The Art Of Modern Living 2014 Edition

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You got to feel sorry for January, not only is it FUCKING FREEZING, it carries the guilt of all your white carbs and liquor on its cold bony shoulders. Then it’s forced to down all that hot lemon water you insist will atone for your slovenly sins. By the 7th, January’s puckered up sphincter is ready to bear down on some wings and beer, so don’t kid yourself with your resolutions. Maybe you shouldn’t put so much pressure on poor fragile January, you should spread out your virtuous game plans throughout the year in fits and starts so it all evens out.

I will not lie, today, January 3rd, I dusted off my blender this morning to make a fruit smoothie, and it was good: Frozen wild blueberries, pineapple, a banana, coconut milk, and a heaping spoonful of hemp powder. After this year’s Orgy Week, I feel like I am dying. I literally lay around watching episode after episode of “Six Feet Under,” (how appropriate) and somehow in the process my back went out, which was annoying as fuck! I could hardly get up to fill my wine glass. You take your health for granted until something happens and then you realize what douche you’ve been to yourself, TIME TO SMARTEN UP, LAZY HO.

5 days later it’s a bit better now. I’ve been popping pain killers and blasting it with the jets of the whirlpool at the gym. It’s a slippery slope, this ageing process, so I better join all the January yahoos and stop the insanity because the ability to consume your weight in cheddar is nothing to be proud of.

So today I made a smoothie, and tomorrow I will make another one, this may or may not last but I will take it one day at a time. That’s all I resolve to do for January, I am but one little soul looking for higher purpose, and I will do it one blender drink at a time. Soon I might even add some kale. I am bad ass like that.

But I know you love your New Year challenges, so I have some suggestions for you just in case you haven’t thought of your own or are heading down on the wrong path of starvation and over excursion. REMEMBER, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT. Here are some for you to consider:

1. Don’t bother with that fucking “Master Cleanse” that you heard about from your cousin/co-worker/neighbour/friend-on-Facebook. It’s a starvation fast where all you drink is lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for 10 days until all that is left of you is hysteria and adrenaline. It’s so 2008, I don’t know why people keep doing it in this day and age UNLESS you are adding bourbon and calling it a cocktail. I know your tricks and I know you aren’t doing this because you actually believe that musclehead fairy tale that your colon is spackled with 10-year-old pork chops, it’s 2014, the Earth is round, bitch. Yes, your liver is a dumpster of hazmat whatnot BUT THAT IS ITS JOB. It wants to collect junk, otherwise it gets bored and starts bugging your spleen for activities. Your spleen is busy filtering blood, doesn’t have time to entertain the liver, so keep it on the payroll. Besides, you don’t do this “cleanse” because you give a shit about the quality of your innards, you do it because you want to drop some fast weight, let’s not kid ourselves.This might work for a week but you are going to gain it all back and then some because your body feels shocked and betrayed so it will just go into hoard mode and with vengeful silence keep all your ridiculous gluten-free muffins packed tightly into your fat stores because you are a big meanie starvator. I just saw my friend who lives in London over the holidays and he looked fit and trim, he had lost twenty pounds in AUGUST…yes you can do it any time of year, and guess how he did it? HE JUST CUT BACK AND WORKED OUT MORE. Yes, there’s no secret of belly blasting miracle food, the PROTIP: Just stop eating and drinking so fucking much AND….

2. Join a gym! Yes, I condone this any time of year because every gym needs fresh new meat, especially mine which is over-run by family-types, hapless toddler dads and their Lululemon wives. The caveat is that you actually have to go and not just into the shower and steam room. I am charmed by people have their little fitness goals like running a marathon or signing up for one of those muddy obstacle course races. It’s adorable to see you all working your butts off like your life depends on it.  You will need all your agility so you can come over and help me take down my Christmas tree because I am still recovering from my brie wheel injury and fuck knows if this limited mobility will go on until February. Just try not to get carried away and turn into a piece of gristle, and PROTIP: Those Tough Mudders DO NOT make charming Facebook profile pics, the thumbnails look alarmingly like they’re from a Japanese bukkake scat website, vom.

3. I am so in need of this resolution, for once in your life just finish what you sta

4. Try putting your phone down for 10 minute increments. All people do nowadays is fiddle on their phones even when they are with people. As a first generation iPhone owner, I have been guilty of this and everyone who used to scold me for being distracted is now on the finger-fucking bandwagon. I’ve had to cut back on this greasy habit since downloading that cocksucking  IOS7 and now I have no choice but sit in awkward silence because my battery drains its life by noon. I have seen things out there. For example, I took a streetcar ride downtown and because of construction, we were stuck in front of city hall for what was probably a couple of minutes but seemed like an eternity when sitting amid the dander dust of strangers. Everyone in the streetcar was staring at their phones like obedient robots, I was looking out the window. What did I see? A woman wearing a tshirt and stilletos as a complete ensemble…no pants…no underwear….being chased by a security guard. As she ran across the street in her high heels, the guard caught her from behind and grabbed her by the waist and held her arms back while she kicked her legs up in the air. As her meat flaps waved to us in the streetcar, NOBODY NOTICED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL PLAYING CANDY CRUSH! Oh my God, if my phone wasn’t dead, that scene would have made the most amazing Vine.

5. Stop your kvetching on Rob Ford. By doing this, you are giving him more power than he actually has. He does not control the weather. The Christmas power outage was not declared a state of emergency by city council vote and because a “state of emergency’ wouldn’t have made a difference in repair efforts, get your shit together and read things. And your whiney rants just make me want to vote for him just to piss you off. His buffoonery has put us on the map. “But he’s just so embarrassing,” some lady in the locker room said the other day. If she is embarrassed by other people, maybe she should look inward, or even just in the mirror because the hair on her head looks like unruly pubes…why don’t people with frizzy hair use Moroccan Oil? PUT THAT ON YOUR RESOLUTION LIST; FIX HAIR, BITCH. I digress. You know that before RoFo, people in other places didn’t think about Toronto EVER. They think Cincinnati is a more exciting place. Now that they know we have crack and prostitutes, watch the tourism spike and others can marvel over all the construction, such gridlock, so amaze, wow, Tronno be awesome.

6. On the Facebook: Stop posting every cutesy Huffington Post/ Buzzfeed piece of shit blog post you come across. People who write these things are brain dead. Now don’t get me wrong, my favourite peeps on the Facebook are the prolific ones prattle on all day with their own original thoughts and observations, and if I didn’t have chronic blogarrhea, I’d be one of those people, too. They are socially engaged in the world and that is an admirable trait. But posting those lists like: Seven Things You Cannot Say Over the Age of 30 do NOT need to be shared because you snorted in condescension at the thought of a middle-aged antediluvian bitch saying “totes” for totally. I KNOW, RIGHT? I WILL SAY WHAT I WANT, FUCK YOUR FACEBOOK POST. Shit like that just grinds my gears. Although GIFs of kittens falling asleep sure are cute so yes, keep those coming.

7. Freddy: Get yer driver’s license. Mama needs a chauffeur.

8: If you are in a relationship and it is shit, will you please dump that person once and for all? You are not doing anyone any favours by sticking around. The pond is a barren place that needs more fish, so get out there and swim like a big boy. You know who you are.

I know all this self-improvement shit is a process, there are no quick fixes but you have an entire year to get on this.It’s going to take me probably til June to work off the cheese and bend over to put on socks. So take your time, and if you fail, just take a nap. No one’s judging, they are too busy playing Candy Crush. Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Love Inevitably

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It’s been ten years since the release of that movie you PRETEND TO HATE or CLAIM TO HAVE NEVER SEEN, “Love Actually.” It occurred to me that I have seen this film at least two times during any given Christmas, even 3 because I have watched  that part on the DVD where the director, Richard Curtis, Hugh Grant, and that strange boy blather on over the soundtrack telling you behind-the-scene things you don’t want to know, which means I have seen it probably 25 times or even more. let’s not kid ourselves. I am SUCKER for shmaltzy rom coms even though in my real life I am a curmudgeony old bitch about romance and I truly believe that we, as a modern society, should forego the outdated nuclear family units and live in compounds where we sign up for intimate activities like we did for intramural sports back in high school. Organized orgies, makes total sense, think about it before you pooh-pooh it.

I have been to no less than 6 Christmas parties this season. I went manic this year with festivities and even managed to miss a couple of them because I truly feel like my liver is getting fucked up and I can’t wait til Juiceless January, seriously. I am trying to take it easy but! I am grooving to eggnog, I forgot all about it until I had the PC chocolate one…it tastes like melted Häagen-Dazs® Mayan Chocolate ice cream with dark rum, yo. And I am also enjoying the company of y’all in the actual flesh for a change, not in the usual ectoplasmic interweb reality which is so impersonal.

My social circle is a bit like a stagnant lazy river, it need some waves, I think. My organized orgy idea starts making a lot of sense when I see some of you married types year after year, fighting the same fight. Or worse, not even talking at all. Not all of you, but some of you and I think you know who you are, it might be time to let go, just saying. For example, at last night’s church potluck (yes, I went to a church potluck, for the free flowing booze and door prizes) Mrs. C who gave me a glaring stinkeye for “flirting with her husband all night.” I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT! You need to know, if I really fancy someone, I am either throwing things at them from afar or hiding in the corner chewing my hair, trust. I was only laughing hysterically at his jokes as a cry for help because he was pressing his holy porker into my hipbone. Why do I get blamed for your husband’s shenanigans? Protip: If you love the dickhead, let him go, if he comes back, more laundry for you, if he doesn’t, then one less egg to fry, you’re welcome. Oh my God, people, stop coupling up and sticking like festering glue, it’s not healthy.

I was so happy to get home from that fucking fruitless church social (did not win any door prizes) and “Love Actually” was on! How comforting! All those misfits find love in the end. Although how long does it last? I think we can all agree that love is transient. In time, it either turns to shit or grows deeper….hahahahaha, just jokes, it aways turns to shit, bah humbug!

Indulge my inner Scrooge and let’s visit the 10 year reunion of “Love Actually,”  and call it “Love Inevitably.” I will recap where we left off, it’s a tightly woven quagmire of fuckery, but I will guide you through, couple by couple, so can all follow along, EVEN IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT. LIAR:

Let’s start with these two, the precious nuclear family:

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When we left left Karen and Harry (Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman), they just had a bullshit exchange of Christmas presents where he gave her a fucking Joni Mitchell CD as if she didn’t already have the whole collection. Earlier she had found in his pocket, a fancy pants heart necklace that she thought was for her but then when she opened the shitty CD, realized the fucker was probably having an affair. She confronted him at the kids’ Christmas concert and he admitted to being a big ass fool and she was all like, you made my life foolish. She was super classy and he was dumb dickwad, we can all agree on that. Although, and I will be vilified for saying this, Karen is a bit frumpy and the other woman in question is this one here, Mia (Heike Makatsch). You can’t see it but she is opening her legs (in a skirt!) at the office:

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW 10 YEARS LATER? Well, duh, of course Harry ended up boning Mia, it happened even before New Year’s Eve, come on. It lasted some months and Karen knew about it but said nothing as she is a stoic Jackie Kennedy-type. Although she did start taking matters into her own hands, she stopped wearing those hideous long skirts, grew her Lady Di hairdo out, thank gods, worst hairstyle EVAR. Soon enough, when the kids got older, Karen started taking tennis lessons and even had affair with this young buck from Match Point, Chris Wilton (Jonathan Rhys Meyers):

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It didn’t last though because he ended up getting married to someone else and working for his father-in-law but it did give her the courage to finally divorce Harry, who ended up a raging, lonely alcoholic after his magazine business went under because internettery mags have taken over the publishing business, yes indeed. Mia ends up with some other dude who I will reveal later on, keep reading.

And right now, 10 years later, Karen is remarried to THIS:
imagesI know, right?  It’s poetically perfect! It’s her tiresome widower friend, Daniel (Liam Neeson). When we left him 10 years ago, he was just FRESHLY WIDOWED, stuck with a stepson, Sam (Thomas Sangster) ..and I still don’t get where the real dad is even after watching this 25 times. He obsessed over supemodel Claudia Schiffer like a dumb dick. The sad part of this story line is how life imitates art and Liam Neeson ends up a widower in real life by my birthday twin, Natasha Richardson, I don’t want to confuse you but it’s just very tragic is all. He meets a mom, Carol, at Sam’s school play, who looks exactly like Claudia Schiffer! Cross eyes, rabbit teeth and everything, total doppleganger (insert eye roll). Did they live happily ever after, you wonder? No, fuck, no. They went on one stupid date, and she bored him to tears. He ended up on-line dating for YEARS and then finally, he and Karen hooked up in 2009 after a drunken evening at a pub quiz and they got married a year later. Good times.

Oh and the little boy Sam grew up to look like this:

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And since this film lacks a decent gay story line, he ends up with the boy, Marcus (Nicholas Hoult) from “About A Boy:”

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Works for me. I know you’re saying this is wrong, both films have Hugh Grant, how can they crossover? DEAL WITH IT!

And then there’s this dumb fuck:

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Jamie (Colin Firth) finds his girlfriend in bed with his BROTHER, ouch, and goes off to France or somewhere to write his crime novel on a fucking actual typewriter. He FALLS IN LOVE with the housekeeper, Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) even though she only speak Portuguese. I was watching this with some 20 year-old girls last night, and they where all like fawning, this is the cutest coupling in this entire shitty movie. NO! The more I see it, the more I think that this dude has a severe attachment disorder. For one thing when we first see him, he is going to work and saying I love you to his girlfriend 8 million times in a row…red flag, sisters. We are supposed to feel sorry for him when he walks in on her later on with his brother but MAYBE it’s not them, it’s him, a cloistering, soul sucking creep, perhaps. I’m just saying, let’s not judge until we have both side of the story. Boohoo to him because he falls in love in an instant, as soon as Aurelia strips to her panties and tramp stamp to save his wretched novel that blows away into the freezing cold lake because he won’t use a laptop like the rest of us writer-types. Yes, they had laptops 10 years ago. Anyway he learns rudimentary Portuguese and asks her to marry him and she says yes. FLASH FORWARD 10 YEARS LATER, they never actually bothered even getting to third base. She came to London for the weekends, it was a lunchbag letdown of a romance, but she ends up with someone else, keep reading, friends, don’t fret. Shit happens but it’s all good.

But! He did end up with Mia, Harry’s office slut! Fun fact: in the original script the character of Mia was Jamie’s original girlfriend but the director changed it because blahblahblah…(this is amongst the things you don’t want to know when listening to the director talk over a DVD).

Then there is this fucking bitch:

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*GASP* She’s so beautiful.

Juliet (Keira Knightley) marries Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and she thinks his best friend, Mark (Andrew Lincoln) hates her because he won’t talk to her but! really he is madly in love with her. She finds this out when she asks to see the wedding video he shot and realizes that all the focus is on her, and she’s all like, I’m so pretty, doing her weird teeth grinding thing watching herself, and then she is like, you really like me. And he is super embarrassed and comes to her house later and does this GRAND ROMANTIC GESTURE:
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Oh, my God, I am so in love with this guy, I don’t care what you say.

10 years later, Juliet and Peter are divorced because Juliet, like Narcissus before her, fell into a well of Botox and Juverderm and drowned. Peter ended up with one of the Sirens from Wisconsin (stay scrolling for that). I end up with Mark. It’s plausible. It’s my blog and I can write what I want.

Okay, so then there is THIS STORY LINE:

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The Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) and one of his assistants, Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) have a flirtation because the PM is single, like that ever happens, and we are supposed to buy the story that she is a hambeast and too fat for fairy tale love. Just as an aside, this whole fat shaming thing has gone a bit too far, people need to fucking stop. At first I was going to make her into a bulimic and that she turns into a grisled looking Maria Shriver-type but I am not, I’m going to be nice. !0 years later, out of her lush womb, she births 4 babies and she might even be pregnant now, who knows, he is no longer PM and they live on some tropical island…you know, tax shelter, trololololol.

And this clown:

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Colin (Kris Marshall) decides to go State Side to get laid so he ends up in Wisconsin and gets more pussy than he bargained for. These are the Sirens. I don’t fucking know their names, it’s a pointess story line EXCEPT there is January Jones, in blue, ACTUALLY SMILING! And I have a girl crush on Elisha Cuthbert. 10 years later, Colin was actually in a coma the whole time IN LONDON and these girls are ACTUALLY his nurses and live in the UK but with American accents, and they are on the loose. Let’s let Peter, Juliet’s ex-husband, have his choice.

AND THEN THIS MAKES ME WANT TO HURL MY EGGNOG AT THE SCREEN:

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Sarah (Laura Linney) and Karl (Rodrigo Santaro) work for Harry and have had crushes on each other for a couple of years but did nothing about it until this scene where stupid bitch keeps answering her incessant phone calls from her mentally ill brother. I still fucking yell at the tv when this story comes on because: a) her fucking ringtone is so annoying and b) she keeps calling her brother “babe,” “love,” and “sweetheart.” I hate her so much. Their romance fizzles in the movie and in my sequel, she ends up institutionalized with her brother AND! Hot Brazilian dude, Karl, end up with the Portuguese maid, Aurelia. Bam!

This guy:

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Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) ends up with his cute manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher) when we leave him 10 years ago. Not in a gay way but in a bro way. 10 years later, nothing has changed, they are like a twisted version of the Odd Couple and have a spinoff sit com State Side! that consistently wins Emmys and Golden Globes.

These two, John (Martin Freeman) and Just Judy(Joanna Page):

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Live happily ever after, obviously because they did it in the right order. Fuck first, fall in love later, hos. And THAT is the moral of the story!

Merry Christmas!

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Is That A Dumbbell In Your Pocket….?

Evangeline got to do a comic instead of a term paper for her graphic novel course at school…how awesome is that?  She left her Sharpies laying around so I started to doodle and made you a little story about what happened to me at the gym last week.  IT WASN’T EMBARRASSING AT ALL:

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Seriously, there was a tent in his shorts…AND I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN!

A Burning Ring of Fire

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I can’t stop staring at this photo. I want badly to be that lion.

I’m in limbo. I hate it. It’s my least favourite state of being, it’s so frustrating. I have angst in my pants and chewing my nails again. I’d rather be chased by a herd of weird looking horned beasts than be waiting for something that will almost happen, but maybe never, but hopefully will, eventually in bittersweet time, come into fruition. Fuck Zen Buddhism, I am gaping hole of wants.

It snowed today and it stayed all day, bring it on, I say, freeze all the things solid. Then my state of limbo might seem normal.

My gaping hole is frozen open, but with some kind of force field preventing anything from getting inside. You know, money and bones, I don’t even ask for a lot of either.

I fucking hate job hunting. Hey kids, here is a career path you might want to consider that isn’t medicine and you have a particularly cunty urge to play god with people’s lives: Go into the field of “Human Resources.” Apparently it is an actual thing you take at school then get a job at a big company where you can be the first orifice in the human centipede. The caveat is that you have to suck corporate dick so you can’t really breathe through your mouth either but at least it isn’t sewn flush on somebody else’s asshole. Good times.

Last week, I had the worst phone interview by a “human” resource dude from Company X who asked me the regular stock questions that I’m normally really good at answering like, for example, he asked this old chestnut: “What would your co-workers say about you?”  my stock answer reply: “I think they would say I am a team player” to which he replied, get this; “YOU THINK? OR YOU KNOW?”  I’ve been through a few of these phone interviews that they ask 5-6 standard questions to gage whether or not you’re drunk in the middle of the afternoon and coherent enough for a second interview. THEY ASK A QUESTION, YOU ANSWER IT, AND THEY MOVE TO THE NEXT. But this bozo was no corporate cocksucker, he marched to the beat of his own drummer. For each one of my answers, he would bombard me with questions like a toddler does when you’re trying to explain the most basic rudimentary life skill and they get all annoyingly inquisitive and they keep asking “BUT WHY?” when you tell them to brush their teeth with a toothbrush, not a tampon, and sit on the toilet, not in the bathtub, and wipe their bums with toilet paper, not a crayon, and wash their hands in the sink, not the dog bowl. That’s why we made up stuff like tooth fairies and Santa Claus and God’s doctrine so that there would be some invisible head of centipede of humanity and we wouldn’t have to answer so many fucking inane questions and just go on drinking more wine. Anyway, good job, Company X, for hiring a man with the mental capacity of a 3 year-old to weed out your potential employees, how very “Diversity Now!” of you, high five.

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When I feel like this, all mangled up inside, but with a voracious appetite for flesh and blood, I need to talk to Jesus. He’ll usually calm me down as long as he isn’t in his self-absorbed mode and going on about how he has incorporated his ab workout into a leg day, I’m not kidding, this is the type of shit he needs to keep to himself or no one will ever love him. He has some serious issues (he lives in his mama’s basement!) but he is good for a couple of cleansing ales and a fresh perspective on life. He lives in the far west, and I live in the far east, so I hardly ever see him and he is not on the Facebook or Instagram, nor does he text because he has a really old Nokia, like from 10 years ago, without a keyboard, seriously. I don’t really trust an adult who does not have a Facebook account even if they don’t go on it, like what are they trying to hide? This lack modern social convention makes him a bit of an enigma but also really annoying because he never answers his phone, so he calls me when he feels like it. But somehow it’s always like he knows when I need him. He is a finely tuned machine when it comes to intuition. Yes, I will get to spew out my problems, he will nod his head and say something wise that will give me some little jizz nugget for thought but then it always ends up being the Jesus Show. who is he banging now and much more fish and foliage should he add to his sleeve tattoo.

We meet at the Court Jester Pub on Monday, he’s there early, and I haven’t seen him since early in the summer. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m attracted to him sexually because he often wears plaid shirts which I am crazy about along with that beard fetish, as you know from last week’s pussy post, but! he has shaved off his strange little goatee completely and! he is wearing what appears to be 3 plaid shirts, layered. Like Kanye West in his ridiculous new video!

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Wtf is that all about? Multiple plaid shirts cancels out the appeal of the one plaid shirt, am I right? Freak.

As for Jesus on Monday, definitely would not hit it, and haven’t, so let’s just keep your thoughts of sexual tension in your own pants.

It’s like he reads my mind and first thing he says is, “I know, I know, I’m wearing clashing plaid, but it’s freezing outside and this top one has bullet proof pockets.”

“Whatever you say, Kanye. I guess you need the protection since you live in dodgy Junction where there’s only two Starbucks per block.”

So we ordered wings…not suicide not but a step above called, with a warning, “Jestercide.” he is a Latin-based beast and I am a Nordic low taster so I think we can handle it…. wait, I don’t “think,” I *know* we can. I don’t get who these people are who find things so intricately flavoured like biryani spice “too hot” but I mysteriously gave birth to two of them.

It turns out there is not enough beer in the world to put out the fire of Jestercide, it’s a sauce made out of ghost peppers. Those are those tiny, seemingly innocuous peppers that if you eat one you can lay on the ground and blow a hole through the ozone layer through any given orifice. You totally have to wear gloves after handling these satanic little fuckers, and speaking of orifices, do not attempt to touch one without washing your hands with paint thinner afterwards, trust. I normally suck the bone dry off a wing, but I am barely hanging on to my life, these little meat infernos are killing me, and I’m hiding some of them under a napkin. Tears are rolling down my eyes, they are intolerably piquant. EVEN JESUS WEPT. Lol. Oh, Kanye.

It was impossible to talk about anything else but how hot the wings were so when I told him, through my tears of physical pain, about my invisible force field of repellent energy that is causing me such angst, he just said, wiping sweat off his forehead with 3 layers of plaid sleeve, “You need a Mexican inside you,” then downed a whole pint of icy cold Keiths. That’s his stock answer for everything by the way. SIGH.

In the meantime, four days later, I have a ghost pepper radiating like an A-bomb inside me, and it’s still searing its way through my innards, A BURNING RING OF FIRE, and it hurts like a motherfucker, but at least it’s something, and maybe if it makes its way out my ass once and for all, it will get around to burning a hole through my force field.

And speaking of breaking the force field, here’s my girl, Katniss:

Deep Sea Divers Wanted

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“I’ve got more than enough to eat at home,” he said aaaand all jaws in the world dropped. I don’t even have to tell you the context of this sentence.

For the entire week all I could think is: ROB FORD IS A DEEP SEA DIVER! This makes me love him just a little bit. I’m sorry, don’t hate me, hear me out.

And then of course I had to go and imagine it all in detail and since I barely know what his wife even looks like, I had to be the recipient. Your turn to fantasize with me. THE VISUAL. I’ll wait here a few seconds while you catch up (p.s. he is wearing a white undershirt and blue checkered boxers and socks, especially the socks, so it’s not so much like be devoured by flailing mounds of indiscernible pink manatee flesh). Think of him eating an ice cream cone. It’s better if you imagine him inhaling it in one gulp with his eyes closed rather than licking it slowly and looking up at you all sexy like after each tongue stroke because GROSS.

Sorry to make you go through that, here is some eye bleach to help make it go away:

The Most Adorable Massage Ever

I know he’s probably even lying even lying about his at-home taco buffet and he hasn’t been near his wife in years because married men are like that. Still he made the proclamation that he “eats pussy.” Rob Ford dines on sushi and that alright by me. Don’t worry, I won’t vote for him in the next election for his box lunch. But A for effort, RoFo.

As for the thing in question (we’re talking about cunnilingus, we are all grown ups here):

Occasionally you do come across a dude who has crossed that off the menu and what’s up with that?

I’ve always been crazy attracted to men with beards because I assumed it was their way of subliminally expressing their prowess in the lady licking department. The bigger the beard the more wolf-like their appetite. Even the little douchey caterpillar-type ones under the lip, they are even called pussy dusters by the way, are alright by me.

And then it happened, a mutation of my theory, that one with a post modern Jesus-type goatee told me he doesn’t go ever downtown. LIKE NEVER HAS AND NEVER WILL. His masterful cocksmithery alone was enough, in his not so humble opinion. I was like all mind-blown, he needs to shave off his beard because of false advertising. It even had shards of silver hairs in it like he had some wisdom and would be good at it. But no, not ever, never ever, he said vehemently. What a waste. And by the way dudes out there of the same ilk, don’t expect a lady to get all Pompeii on your ass if you don’t reciprocate. Expect nothing more than a limp starfish, just saying.

I understand not everybody can be a pussy whisperer. I know, I have been lucky enough to have been on the top of Mount Vesuvius that time it exploded lava. THAT ONE TIME, THOUGH. There is much technique to learn but it’s okay to just to do the alphabet, you don’t even have to go to Z, J or K will do, and then move it along. WE JUST WANT TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED IN A WAY WE HAVE GROWN EXPECTED BY WATCHING SO MUCH INTERNET PORN. It’s really not that hard, and I get it, if you hate the taste so bad, pop a lozenge, that is why they call it “Fisherman’s Friend,” son. Oh my god.

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In the meantime, my daughter has been having boy problems. We can talk like adults and she reads this blog without cringing, just so you know. She is almost twenty and is in third year U of T studying English and other such topics like human sexuality. She writes soulful, thought-provoking poems that shock my mind how smart they are. She has been encouraging me and I’ve been writing some poetry lately and have a little oeuvre stored in my laptop which she read without asking: “Mama, you should put them in your blog!”  My poems are so very, very embarrassing! Which means I will share one with you that I will leave at the bottom of the post because you know how love expose everything on the internet. But just so you know, I do keep some shit on my vault, I don’t share everything, so keep those emails coming.

Anyway, because of her boy problems which I won’t get into in much detail, we spent the weekend doing girl time. We watched a movie on Netflix called “Nowhere Boy” about the early days of John Lennon. And we both DIED at the actor, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, move the fuck over, RPatzz:

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NOTICE THE FACIAL HAIR! Oh, I bet you anything he knows his ABC’s and eats his all fish tacos with relish. He is twenty-three years old AND! Get this: he is married to a 46-year-old, I AM DYING HERE! There is hope, that is all I will say about that.

Back to her and everybody else’s boy problems, though…they are universal, aren’t they? Why don’t they call? Don’t they know it’s the weekend? How come when you get upset, they back away? Why is it they hunt you down and then when they have you, all they do when they are with you is text their buddies and make plans to go elsewhere?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. You know I’m not a man-hater even though I have been put through the ringer more than once and enough times to be a bitter old cow, I am not. More menfolk read my blog than women (I think it’s because it’s like the of reading their sister’s diary) and I love you all but why are you all so very stupid? I sometimes think you have evolved from manly, hairy cavemen to giant, manscaping baby men. I blame modern technology for the demise of fortitude so no, it’s not your fault that all you can do is smoke pot and play video games. Women are so aggressive now, I’d probably hide in a basement, too, if I had to face one. But we have needs, people, so be attentive and you know what to do. It gets easy with practise.

Also on our girls weekend, we played with makeup which is by far my favourite thing about packing snapper. She is doing that wingy eyeliner thing and I am now wearing “Fire and Ice” red lipstick. I just have to make sure it doesn’t smear or get on my teeth, otherwise I think it’s F*I*E*R*C*E and hopefully sends out the correct subliminal message. That is all.

Here is my poem:

weird wolf

your hair is flames

from your brain

which smolders

a fire

so steady

it guides you

through the forest

visceral

your path is beaten down

by lesser beasts

who have been there before

and then elsewhere

where they settled

for chowder from a can

burritos

nachos

Supersize Slurpees

and whatever else convenient

wrapped in a package

at the corner store

in the darkened dusk

there is a flash of light

the brightest orange

you have seen the strange bird

its feathers shining, iridescent

it flies above you

its wings flutter

sending a shiver down spine

it stops you dead in your tracks

your heart skips

for a moment

Its seduction is palpable

its eyes catches yours

imbibing your spirit

the part that is vulnerable

a tip of red lipstick

slips out

the air smells of melted wax

and musky perfume

and dead leaves

the want hurts

but!

the heart is a lonely hunter

and fear eats the soul

and if it was more work than it was worth

you would never know

there is an all-you-can-eat for $9.99 chinese buffet

with a beverage of your choice

in the strip mall across the street

chicken fried rice!

and mounds of gristle and glutenous globs

of cornstarched sauce like melted plastic

and an Arizona Ice Tea

the bottle is so pretty

and a fortune cookie that reads:

WHAT KIND OF WOLF ARE YOU, WEIRDO? A CHINESE BUFFET? SERIOUSLY? YOU”RE ONLY GOING TO BE HUNGRY AGAIN IN AN HOUR! CUT THE CARBS AND EAT SOME MEAT! WTF? WHY WOULD YOU LET THAT MAGNIFICENT BIRD FLY AWAY? GO GET IT! LIKE NOW! FUCK!

Soft Kitty, Bitter Kitty

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I represent the cat in the foreground in this post modern tale of Noah’s Ark Redux.

This story about the Remainder Man, he’s the orange tabby mounting that patchy 43-year-old kitty…Quick recap in case you are new: he’s the one I tell you about sometimes because I see him occasionally when he is on a “break” from his girlfriend who is a crazy bitch but not in the good way. I have recently found out there are levels of “crazy bitch” by the menfolk at my gym, where I have been hanging out a little too much since I was fired from the dusty box store two weeks ago WHICH I AM BITTER ABOUT….STILL….Last week, I went to two other dusty box stores TO GET A WHIFF OF THE SWEET SMELL OF LUMBER and to strut through the cement floor race track, this time in high heels, not steel toes, just to change up the game. It didn’t really have the same effect, though, and the people who worked there looked like dull-witted Bitch Stewie replicates, kind of dead inside which is what the dust bin does in the end, robs you of your soul, as the legend has it. But! It had the opposite effect on me, it blasted away the concrete all that was blocking my mojo chokra and now I have to go out of my way and walk into random lumber yards and soon Christmas tree lots just for maintenance. It’s all about the wood, kittens, I miss it so. I AM BITTER AS FUCK! Although, I will say my heart has been warmed by some of my old co-workers who have read this blasphemous blog that caused my demise and shouted out their support via the interwebs. Some people you might not think would even care can be surprisingly awesome, and yet others are so alarmingly disappointing, they wear their masks well. That is what I took away from dusty box: There are some really good peeps in the world’s barnyard but most are just vapid, corporate cocksucking sheep…baaaahhhh, because mediocrity makes the farm run so much more efficiently.

Anyway, it turned out that exactly the same time I was fired, Remainder Man and his girlfriend broke up which is nothing unusual because it happens every 2 months. That’s when the levee in her left ovary (that’s the cranky one) breaks and she picks a fight so bad, he storms out, gets a bottle of rum that he washes down the Diet Coke (I know, barffff) alone in his basement apartment that nobody has been to because it is fuck knows where and he calls me #inadrunkenstupor that night. It’s clockwork! They don’t talk for exactly the next 5 days and I get to go out with him for wings and beers when he is hungover, always the following day, where he will chase the dragon with 2 beers to my 1, I usually have 2 so he will have 4, and if I have a third then he will break the pattern and have 8, it is a consistent set pattern of drunken math that will later end up with him text messaging a selfie of his chode at half mast. I will call him and sing “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur” and he will pass out. Lather, rinse repeat, every two months.

This time, day 5 came and went and then before we knew it, nearly two weeks went by and he and I were enjoying daily beers daily on a daily basis. It was daily-riffic. I almost felt like I had a daily purpose beside the heinous daily activity of job hunting. I HATE JOB HUNTING, I AM SO BITTER, UGH!

Last Thursday, while we were having an afternoon pint(s), marvelling over the fact that his breakup just might stick this time, he gets a call from some -as he describes- “girl” (she is technically middle-aged) he has known since high school, who needs him to clean out some eavestrough or some such shit. I have an eavestrough, too, that could use a quick sweep but neither here not there. Remainder Man has womenfolk all crawling all over him like ticks on a deer, which, no surprise, was the big boner of contention with his girlfriend who is a crazy bitch* in a bad way. It’s hard to tell which came first, the jealous or the crazy, but if you want to hang with the Remainder Man, you better get used to him ogling twenty year old girls in yoga pants. He is who he is and if you can’t handle it, you have to dick wrangle some dude without eyes. Good luck with that, sister. They all look at ass but some hide it better, it’s just that Remainder Man has the impulse of a toddler and the enthusiasm of a puppy. Which I personally find endlessly amusing.

So Remainder Man goes on his little mission “cleaning the eavestrough” and the next morning texts me:

“I’m still at that girl’s house! we woke up naked, where u?”

‘I AM AT T&T ON CHERRY EATING SHRIMP BALLS, WTF HAPPENED?” (I am a Kanye West cap crazy texter)

“lol we got drunk and I tried but went limp twice lol”

“OMG, TRY WITH THE MORNING WOOD NOT WHEN U R DRUNK, HAVE U LEARNT ANYTHING?”

“I tried but am coma toast, we ordered thai, maybe after.”

“K CARRY ON SOLDIER”

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Texting sucks. He spent the entire weekend with her, texting me what they were eating, what progress he was making. It turns out she is not “that kind of girl” who bangs on the first date, although dry humping on the side of the leg is just fine. Amazing. Someone got the rules just right. Kudos, sister, well played. And now he is all like in that holding pattern of blue ball hell that simulates love. TWO WEEKS AND HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND AND I STILL HAVE NO JOB AND I JUST WANT MY PHONE TO RING FOR ONCE AND IT NOT BE FROM SOME RECORDED MESSAGE SAYING I WON A DISNEY CRUISE! I am bitter AND frustrated. I am a crazy bitch which by the way:

*CRAZY BITCH DEFINITION:

I’ve been spending some more time back at my gym where the best thing about it is the bar and you can easily go there and have random conversations with people like they did in the olden days before cell phones. I’ve gotten an earful from the old squash dudes who think of me as a fellow dude but with lady fuck parts. Actually I don’t even think they know I have a concave dick, they just tell me everything like I know what’s going on. This week I learned:

Cialis is better than Viagra. it works faster! Lasts longer!

Describing the shape of their poop makes them laugh really hard.

When their phone goes off and it’s their wife, their eyes roll.

When their phone goes off and it’s their girlfriend, their eyes roll.

Crazy bitches are the best. NOW I AM LISTENING, what exactly is crazy? A crazy bitch someone in a black wig and no bra who will kidnap you from a diner during your Friday lunch hour and drives you to a motel off the highway and strips you down and handcuffs you to the bed. While she rifles through your wallet, she finds your business card and calls your office to say you won’t be in that afternoon. And then you bang your brains out for the rest of the day. Afterwards, she takes her wig off and she is blond and you end up going with her to her high school reunion the next day where you get beat up within an inch of your life by her jealous ex-husband who is just out of prison and they end up driving away together leaving you bleeding to near death. It’s all so scary but when you go back to work on Monday, all you can think about is her, the crazy bitch who took you out of the doldrums of your boring day. (P.S. she comes back wearing a lot of jewelry and still no bra, it’s the plot of “Something Wild.”) It’s fiction, Charlie, fiction.

A Crazy Bitch in a Bad Way is the one who will call you on the phone and ask you to pick up some fried chicken on the way home and then remind you that you have to go to her sister’s for dinner on Sunday so there will be no football watching and that you need get winter tires for her car and why haven’t you noticed her new haircut and short hair is easier to keep up so fuck you and why are you not home yet and stop snoring and don’t chew so loudly and why do you trim your pubes when you haven’t sex with her in six months anyway?  In other words, bitches just can’t win.

BITTER BITTER BITTER

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A Portrait of a Sad Clown

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I know, Rob Ford…it’s not exactly fresh hell, more like “what else is new” kind of hell, but something has got to give with this spectacular fat fuck of a hot mess, like a coronary artery bursting firework display, you would think. But no, he keeps going, wheezing, sweating, snorting, squealing, urinating, text-messing, fake apologizing…. tralalala, he goes on and on, and gets to keep his job for smoking crack AND WHATNOT, but little old me gets fired from a dusty box store for writing a salty blog that my Polish mother reads, by the way, and laughs. And well, well, well, look what happened to me: a blood vessel burst in my left eye. Okay yes, I enhanced it a wee bit using a crude photoshop technique because a lady needs a filter for the baggy eyes and ruddy tear ducts but I assure you, I look like prize-fighter, holy stress balls.

And don’t get in my grill about me picking on fat people. Ford’s fatness is not the satiated corpulence of a man who enjoys mama’s good eats, I hope to marry a dude like that some day. Ford’s fatness is not jolly, his inflamed physique is the manifestation of his giant assed ego ready to explode its venom. At least that is what we judgey-wudgey citizens of Toronto project upon him.

I don’t spend as much time thinking about Rob Ford the way y’all do. I am thoroughly enjoying the pageantry of buffoonery. Nary a “tsk tsk” has crossed my lips. In all of it, I see his humanity AND! believe it or not, I think his blatant display of fuckery is healthy. At least you can see it! Most of these types in high places keep it more under control but they are equally as guilty of everything he does, if not more. Trust me, I’ve seen an underbelly far worse than Rob Ford’s and insidious evil is the most despicable in my opinion. Is he a sociopath? Or is his fatness the indicator that he eats his feelings, ergo he is human after all? Aren’t we all human? Or are some more human than others? One thing I will say: Rob Ford, crackass, jackass, drunkard, is still a better mayor than David Miller, just saying. Suck on that.

Will Toronto survive this? Yes,definitely. (That was me shaking the 8-Ball app from my i-Phone, I am an addict, that is a post for later) I wish you’d all just come to the dark side with me, kittens, and enjoy the spectacle.

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So it’s been a full week since I got fired from the dust bin. I’ve had the weirdest cocktail of emotions over it. Not what I expected. I am most profoundly sad, but not the kind of sad that makes you want to crawl under covers and eat ice cream. I’m having a hard time eating at all, although me and Rob Ford would make great drinking buddies. The dank air of mirthlessness that hangs in my house (some other stuff of sadz going on) makes me want to get out and shake shit up. So I’ve been going to my gym like twice a day. Get this, I pretend I’m back at work and I go on the stairs that don’t end (I’m up to 20 minutes which is brutal)  and then I go in the iron room and pretend the dudes in there aren’t gay and I smile at them (gotta keep the mojo up) and then I lift 45 pound dumbbells from one side of the room to the next to simulate the haul of 5-gallon pails of paint. I slap my legs with 20 pound weights so that I maintain the bruise pattern on my outer thighs from walking down an aisle with two gallons in each hand. Then I throw little pieces of paper along the ballet barre and I bend over and pick them like they are paint chips that savage customers throw around willy nilly. This is a genius work out, you should try it instead of that elliptical you are so crazy about but is dumber than a side salad with a bacon cheeseburger. The whole thing is under an hour but simulates an 8 hour work day minus all the Fishermen’s Friend I used to suck on, I now think that was a metabolic booster so I’m going to take that up again. This morning I took a restorative yoga class, though, because everyone needs some gentleness and tonight is Dance Party! where a gay man will teach me to finally twerk proper.

On the second day after being fired, and after crying randomly in the steam room, that blood vessel popped in my left eye. This happened to me before, the last time I was profoundly sad, when I was blubbering over a dude who dumped me a few years back. It actually happened when I was in real estate school, taking some crazy advanced math class and I was so engrossed in solving some loan to value ratio that a little pop-sound went off in my head, I thought it my brain having an aha! moment, because I had just come up with the correct solution. But no, it was just a popped vessel and I didn’t know that the white of my right eye that had just turned a sinister shade of crimson. I went up to the teacher, a cute Armenian man named Norair, to show him my genius but instead of giving me a gold star, he was all like :”WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?” when he looked at my face. I was so scared, I started shaking, I thought I had done something really stupid. Even if I seem like a badass rebel, I am not. I was not raised by wolves, which might be what you have thought all this time if you have been reading this blog. I was actually taught to respect shit and at that moment I thought my teacher who I had a slight crush on because that is how I roll, was admonishing me. But he wasn’t, he thought I had an aneurysm or something serious and took me to the washroom where he showed me my eye. And I was like “oh wow, freaky! But I feel fine…” and his hands were resting on my shoulders and as I turned around and he kissed me, his lips at first softly grazing mine, tickling me with his Armenian five o’clock shadow at ten in the morning, and then he tongue plunged deep in my mouth, our tongues probing, our bodies pressed together like a tightly wrapped shwarma…okay I made the kiss part up. I AM A WRITER, FUCK YOU! He did insist I go to a walk-in clinic in a strip mall down the street where they were all like, it’s really nothing to worry about, go back to class.

Anyway, everyone has that one person that took your heart and broke it and then maybe shat on it a little bit before flushing it down the toilet. You have to claim responsibility of that toxic relationship also, like maybe you were hurling out some projectile vomit and not aiming for that proverbial toilet on purpose and maybe deliberately shooting poison shrapnel in their eyes or their mouth or some other vulnerable orifice. It happens, but it’s a growing experience, your  clean up your side of the street (I got that gem of a line from Gwyneth Paltrow when Brad Pitt dumped, can you even imagine those two rubbing fuck parts *shudders*) and you move forward and make decisions how to handle it when you run into that person again. Well that dude I was blubbering about years ago in what was, looking back, AN INFINITE SADNESS, goes to my gym and has been all this time. So we have run into each other regularly. Sometimes it has been superficially friendly, not without tension, but mostly it has been a forced ignore, like dogs on the street who won’t look at each other. You should see Betty pretend a Rottweiller tied up in front of Starbucks doesn’t exist, her head rolls sideways into her fat scruff like a sleeping pigeon. Hilarious bitch.

Because the gym is a soap opera, I knew through the grapevine that he was married and had a baby recently  which was fine, I HAVE A DATE WITH A SOLID DILDO EVERY NIGHT, so I am A-OK. (My mama hates when I talk about sex, lol). But I lived in fear and dread of running into the family unit because it is bound to happen sooner or later. And how do you act and what do you say?

So the day after my blood vessel burst, my sadness was carrying me around like a good buddy, enveloping me like those ubiquitous Snow Goose parkas that we are about to be plagued with, hello winter. My gym has a bar and a forlorn ho needs a beer(s). And there he was, sitting his usual spot at the bar. FIGHT OR FLIGHT???? My mind shrieked because it’s like a hysterical fishwife, always questioning, my body sometimes has to shut it down by pretending it’s a dude and scratching its phantom balls like it doesn’t care. But this time my sadness piped up in its little sweet voice said; “Fuck It Purple (that’s an inside paint expression meaning: Go Girl, Who Gives a Fuck) just go sit beside him and talk to him and just don’t forget to breathe. You’ve got this.”

And so I did, and guess what, kittens, it was like taking a two hour piss after holding it in for 8 years! It was the best thing ever, my sadness even took off for a while, we had a couple of beers and laughed at Rob Ford. Get this: He went to high school with the Ford brothers! How cool is that? So many stories he has. It was easy and breezy and when his wife and baby showed up later, it was actually really nice to meet them. And if they noticed the burst blood vessel in my eye, they were kind enough not freak out over it.

So that was one good thing that happened last week and other than the that my sadness has transformed from a warm fuzzy parka into a scratchy mohair scarf. It’s annoying me now. Fuck It Purple, I’m going to have to take it off soon *scratches balls* because crying so boring. Let’s get some anger on, maybe in the form a a clown suit, and turn it all into a screenplay.

Aaaaand here is the best sad clown of them all…you were right, Gary: