You got to feel sorry for January, not only is it FUCKING FREEZING, it carries the guilt of all your white carbs and liquor on its cold bony shoulders. Then it’s forced to down all that hot lemon water you insist will atone for your slovenly sins. By the 7th, January’s puckered up sphincter is ready to bear down on some wings and beer, so don’t kid yourself with your resolutions. Maybe you shouldn’t put so much pressure on poor fragile January, you should spread out your virtuous game plans throughout the year in fits and starts so it all evens out.
I will not lie, today, January 3rd, I dusted off my blender this morning to make a fruit smoothie, and it was good: Frozen wild blueberries, pineapple, a banana, coconut milk, and a heaping spoonful of hemp powder. After this year’s Orgy Week, I feel like I am dying. I literally lay around watching episode after episode of “Six Feet Under,” (how appropriate) and somehow in the process my back went out, which was annoying as fuck! I could hardly get up to fill my wine glass. You take your health for granted until something happens and then you realize what douche you’ve been to yourself, TIME TO SMARTEN UP, LAZY HO.
5 days later it’s a bit better now. I’ve been popping pain killers and blasting it with the jets of the whirlpool at the gym. It’s a slippery slope, this ageing process, so I better join all the January yahoos and stop the insanity because the ability to consume your weight in cheddar is nothing to be proud of.
So today I made a smoothie, and tomorrow I will make another one, this may or may not last but I will take it one day at a time. That’s all I resolve to do for January, I am but one little soul looking for higher purpose, and I will do it one blender drink at a time. Soon I might even add some kale. I am bad ass like that.
But I know you love your New Year challenges, so I have some suggestions for you just in case you haven’t thought of your own or are heading down on the wrong path of starvation and over excursion. REMEMBER, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT. Here are some for you to consider:
1. Don’t bother with that fucking “Master Cleanse” that you heard about from your cousin/co-worker/neighbour/friend-on-Facebook. It’s a starvation fast where all you drink is lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for 10 days until all that is left of you is hysteria and adrenaline. It’s so 2008, I don’t know why people keep doing it in this day and age UNLESS you are adding bourbon and calling it a cocktail. I know your tricks and I know you aren’t doing this because you actually believe that musclehead fairy tale that your colon is spackled with 10-year-old pork chops, it’s 2014, the Earth is round, bitch. Yes, your liver is a dumpster of hazmat whatnot BUT THAT IS ITS JOB. It wants to collect junk, otherwise it gets bored and starts bugging your spleen for activities. Your spleen is busy filtering blood, doesn’t have time to entertain the liver, so keep it on the payroll. Besides, you don’t do this “cleanse” because you give a shit about the quality of your innards, you do it because you want to drop some fast weight, let’s not kid ourselves.This might work for a week but you are going to gain it all back and then some because your body feels shocked and betrayed so it will just go into hoard mode and with vengeful silence keep all your ridiculous gluten-free muffins packed tightly into your fat stores because you are a big meanie starvator. I just saw my friend who lives in London over the holidays and he looked fit and trim, he had lost twenty pounds in AUGUST…yes you can do it any time of year, and guess how he did it? HE JUST CUT BACK AND WORKED OUT MORE. Yes, there’s no secret of belly blasting miracle food, the PROTIP: Just stop eating and drinking so fucking much AND….
2. Join a gym! Yes, I condone this any time of year because every gym needs fresh new meat, especially mine which is over-run by family-types, hapless toddler dads and their Lululemon wives. The caveat is that you actually have to go and not just into the shower and steam room. I am charmed by people have their little fitness goals like running a marathon or signing up for one of those muddy obstacle course races. It’s adorable to see you all working your butts off like your life depends on it. You will need all your agility so you can come over and help me take down my Christmas tree because I am still recovering from my brie wheel injury and fuck knows if this limited mobility will go on until February. Just try not to get carried away and turn into a piece of gristle, and PROTIP: Those Tough Mudders DO NOT make charming Facebook profile pics, the thumbnails look alarmingly like they’re from a Japanese bukkake scat website, vom.
3. I am so in need of this resolution, for once in your life just finish what you sta
4. Try putting your phone down for 10 minute increments. All people do nowadays is fiddle on their phones even when they are with people. As a first generation iPhone owner, I have been guilty of this and everyone who used to scold me for being distracted is now on the finger-fucking bandwagon. I’ve had to cut back on this greasy habit since downloading that cocksucking IOS7 and now I have no choice but sit in awkward silence because my battery drains its life by noon. I have seen things out there. For example, I took a streetcar ride downtown and because of construction, we were stuck in front of city hall for what was probably a couple of minutes but seemed like an eternity when sitting amid the dander dust of strangers. Everyone in the streetcar was staring at their phones like obedient robots, I was looking out the window. What did I see? A woman wearing a tshirt and stilletos as a complete ensemble…no pants…no underwear….being chased by a security guard. As she ran across the street in her high heels, the guard caught her from behind and grabbed her by the waist and held her arms back while she kicked her legs up in the air. As her meat flaps waved to us in the streetcar, NOBODY NOTICED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL PLAYING CANDY CRUSH! Oh my God, if my phone wasn’t dead, that scene would have made the most amazing Vine.
5. Stop your kvetching on Rob Ford. By doing this, you are giving him more power than he actually has. He does not control the weather. The Christmas power outage was not declared a state of emergency by city council vote and because a “state of emergency’ wouldn’t have made a difference in repair efforts, get your shit together and read things. And your whiney rants just make me want to vote for him just to piss you off. His buffoonery has put us on the map. “But he’s just so embarrassing,” some lady in the locker room said the other day. If she is embarrassed by other people, maybe she should look inward, or even just in the mirror because the hair on her head looks like unruly pubes…why don’t people with frizzy hair use Moroccan Oil? PUT THAT ON YOUR RESOLUTION LIST; FIX HAIR, BITCH. I digress. You know that before RoFo, people in other places didn’t think about Toronto EVER. They think Cincinnati is a more exciting place. Now that they know we have crack and prostitutes, watch the tourism spike and others can marvel over all the construction, such gridlock, so amaze, wow, Tronno be awesome.
6. On the Facebook: Stop posting every cutesy Huffington Post/ Buzzfeed piece of shit blog post you come across. People who write these things are brain dead. Now don’t get me wrong, my favourite peeps on the Facebook are the prolific ones prattle on all day with their own original thoughts and observations, and if I didn’t have chronic blogarrhea, I’d be one of those people, too. They are socially engaged in the world and that is an admirable trait. But posting those lists like: Seven Things You Cannot Say Over the Age of 30 do NOT need to be shared because you snorted in condescension at the thought of a middle-aged antediluvian bitch saying “totes” for totally. I KNOW, RIGHT? I WILL SAY WHAT I WANT, FUCK YOUR FACEBOOK POST. Shit like that just grinds my gears. Although GIFs of kittens falling asleep sure are cute so yes, keep those coming.
7. Freddy: Get yer driver’s license. Mama needs a chauffeur.
8: If you are in a relationship and it is shit, will you please dump that person once and for all? You are not doing anyone any favours by sticking around. The pond is a barren place that needs more fish, so get out there and swim like a big boy. You know who you are.
I know all this self-improvement shit is a process, there are no quick fixes but you have an entire year to get on this.It’s going to take me probably til June to work off the cheese and bend over to put on socks. So take your time, and if you fail, just take a nap. No one’s judging, they are too busy playing Candy Crush. Happy New Year!