How Do Vampires Get Boners?

I know, right?  These two AGAIN!  Edward and Bella in the franchise that won’t die.  The last installment of the Twilight series movies, “Breaking Dawn,” is out this month and it’s going to be a two parter!   This one might be worth watching because Bella and Edward finally go all the way so we can all breathe a sigh of relief as we wonder:  How do vampires even get boners?

I actually did like the first Twilight movie, it was actually quite atmospheric and beautifully directed by Catherine Hardwicke.  Unfortunately, she was not hired for the sequels.  Those stunk.  I feel like the Twilight series teaches women about male archetypes in the same way that The Wizard of Oz is really about an adolescent girl coming into womanhood and realizing her powers.  Here is my completely sober analysis:  The tornado that takes Dorothy from Kansas to the “land of Oz” is actually representative of the hormonal storm that occurs in a young female as she transcends into adolescence.  The ruby slippers represent the menses.  The Good Witch of the North is fertility and the Wicked Witch of the West is menopause.  Man, and his inherently flawed nature, is embodied by the Scarecrow, The Tin Man, and The Lion:  A dumbass, a heartless prick, and a cowardly dipshit…sound familiar?  The actual “wizard” of course is the holy grail of man but he turns out to be a liar just like that guy you met on line over the summer.  Women:  Learn from Dorothy, you have the power.  Clicking of the heels is as simple as turning on a vibrator!  Oh, and Toto the dog represents the dozens of cats Dorothy will inevitably have being so self-sufficient.

In Twilight, the character of Bella is confronted with two male archetypes:  The cold-blooded, unattainable vampire and the warm-blooded loyal werewolf.  In order for her to be with Edward, the vampire, she must “change.”  Of course, vampires are the ultimate blood sucking malignant narcissists.  Women fall for it every time.  Jacob the werewolf, on the other hand, “changes” to protect her.  I wish I could talk to these poor, misguided characters and take them under my soft downy wing and shake some sense into them.  To Bella:  Don’t kid yourself, this eternal living is going to be more tedious than the conversations you have with Edward:  “I love you” “I love you more” “No, you don’t even understand how much I love you”  “But I said I love you more so I really do understand, you are the one that doesn’t get it ”  “Oh, I get it but I love you more””No, you don’t don’t, I love you way more.”  Forever and ever,  you will be praying for a meteor to strike. And Jacob:  Forget about her, keep your options open.  Your undying love is not noble, but pathetic.  No woman wants a man who is obsessed with somebody else.  Grow some hair on your chest.  And a moustache, I like them.

The whole story is a female fantasy that only makes us feel bad about the real world.  Who actually has ever had two men fight over them?  Even if they squabbled, they got over it and probably went out for some beers and watched the hockey game together.  I was caught in a love triangle once.  My werewolf called my vampire on the telephone.  It went something like this:

Werewolf:  It’s time to face the music.

Vampire:  What are you talking about?

Werewolf:  I want you to stay away from my woman!

Vampire:  Which one is she?

These real life love triangles always end up so obtuse.  Somebody always likes someone more than the other, and then someone doesn’t even care.  My werewolf ended up happily with someone else as did the vampire, although it turns out he is secretly gay.  And I am clicking my heels.

With that, I leave you with my favourite drunken philosopher who actually may have figured out how a vampire could possibly get a boner:

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