What Ever Happened to All Those Van Pattens?

YOU HAVE TO BE A SEVENTIES KID TO GET THIS.

In between angry hot flashes, I had this major mind-blowing IMDb Trivia experience yesterday and I had no one to share it with because my kids grew up on Hannah Montana, so I’m just going to lay it all out here for us all to groove to, or not, but if you care at all about Salami from “The White Shadow” keep scrolling:

It began with John Slattery from “Mad Men” on “The Kelly and Michael Show” promoting his new first-time directorial film, “God’s Pocket” which by the way, has Philip Seymour Hoffman in it as his last completed project…so SAD! Okay, but let’s focus: They bantered on about Mad Men, which you probably don’t watch but I do but I never knew that in REAL LIFE, he is married to his TV ex-wife, Mona, played by TALIA BALSAM (pay attention, the Van Pattens are coming) here they are in civilian garb:

john_slattery_talia_balsam_I1F0141

And here they are as Roger and Mona Sterling:

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So awesome.

AND HERE IS TALIA BALSAM WITH HER FIRST HUSBAND, GEORGE CLOONEY, CIRCA 1990, HOLY SHIT:
george-clooney-4Why am I just finding this out now? Did you know this? Why didn’t you tell me?

And now comes the Van Patten tangent. I actually brought some post-it notes and created a Van Patten family tree on my laptop. I know, crazy.

Okay so TALIA BALSAM, born in 1959, is the daughter of the late great MARTIN BALSAM (1919-1996):

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Psycho, 12 Angry Men, super-prolific in the 1970s but yet, no epidsodes of ‘The Love Boat!”

and her mother is JOYCE VAN PATTEN (b.1934):

Unknown-1She did a whole whack of 70s tv, no “Love Boat,” but “Love American Style”…oh, how I loved that show…and she is the SISTER of:

BIG DADDY DICK VAN PATTEN (b.1928):
Dick_ClassicOh my God, “EIGHT IS ENOUGH” was my 70s jam, love love love! Dick was on a few episodes of “The Love Boat,” fun fact: He was supposed to play “Gopher” but changed his mind for “Eight is Enough” which was smart hockey, fo sho. He is married to Pat Van Patten and hold on to your titties, here comes the good part, THEIR MAN SPAWN! Again, if you watch tv in the 70s, you most probably have a pair of panties you wrecked yourself dedicated to one of these dudes:

VINCE VAN PATTEN (b.1957):

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I’m getting all retro swoony. Totally hot in the 70s (yes, appeared on “The Love Boat”) and became a pro tennis player! Married soap opera actress Eileen Davidson (blech, tacky ho) and now is on “The World Poker Tour.” I don’t know what to think about that but yes, I would still hit it. If I was playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with the Van Patten boys, this is the one I’d Fuck:

Eileen+Davidson+Vincent+Van+Patten+33rd+Annual+2LcopFBcxuSl

 

Next up, JIMMY VAN PATTEN (b. 1956):

images

 

He was in the original “Freaky Friday” with Jody Foster as a cashier. Hot. 66% of those Van Patten boys seemed to have gotten their start on “The Odd Couple tv show,”  interesting. Lately he has been in the “Saw” horror franchise. Would I still hit it? Why not? I have nothing else going on. Oh, and in the game Fuck, Marry, Kill, I’d Marry this one, he has kind eyes and seemingly zero douche-factor:

12221664_ori

 

And then the first born bro, NELS VAN PATTEN (b. 1955):

116110

I’m not sure I have any feels for this Van Patten but he is a Van Patten, so yes, yes, I’d probably hit it. He’s had an obscure 70s tv career, was also a tennis pro, and here is is now:

2005 TV Land Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know, on second thought maybe I’ll just pass on this one, and sacrifice this Van Patten to the gods of 70s Hotness.  I would Kill him, obviously.

Which brings us to the final Van Patten, TIMOTHY VAN PATTEN (b.1959). He is NOT a Van Patten bro, he is a Van Patten Uncle. Seriously! He and Big Daddy Dick are brothers from another mother. He is my very favourite Van Patten of them all:

salami

SALAMI FROM “THE WHITE SHADOW” OMG OMG OMG! To die for! Nowadays he is a director:  Sex and the City! The Sopranos! Rome! The Pacific! Game of Motherfucking Thrones! Boardwalk Empire! I watch none of these shows, except for SATC of course. Here he is now and he is so cute, I would Fuck, Marry, AND Kill him with my hot-flashing pussy:

MV5BMTk4MDM0NDg4NV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzgwNTgxOA@@._V1_SY317_CR12,0,214,317_AL_

You know how I feel about beards. Sweet Jesus.

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7 responses »

  1. I did know that Talia was married to George. Sorry I didn’t tell you! Loved, loved, loved “Eight is Enough.” And “Love, America Style.” My husband just finished watching every single “Columbo” episode. I wonder if Martin Balsam was a guest…the show had that Love Boat guest star quality…

  2. PSST!! I share 999.9 percent of my genome with the Van Patten boys, give or take a nine in that figure.

    It’s not actually that hard to do. My recipe to the road of success of sharing a genome with the Van Patten boys: you need a lot of dedication, hard work, perseverence, and an ego the size of a sperm whale. And delusional therapy. (Gestallt is counter-indicative here.) Then you’ve got it made.

  3. Another great share from you and very impressive to read. You really focus on finding this information, very responsive blog. Keep supporting us with these types of posts. This is just great!

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