Tag Archives: Dr. Phil

A Prelude to Valentine’s Day

A message to Barbie:  Just be done with it. 

I was blissfully unaware that Valentine’s Day was coming up until this morning when I went on my Facebook that I have kind of neglecting recently because Twitter is where it’s at these days.  People on Twitter are self absorbed, narcissistic whiners and braggarts with very little to say because they only have 140 characters in which to tweet.  I love them so.  Don’t get me wrong, I still *like* my Facebook, and all my “friends”  but sometimes people’s status updates are truly horrific.  Today, for example, one of my friends had this to say:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU…“

Seriously, a man posted this.  Furthermore he got 6 thumbs up for it and one woman commented:  `Where do I find this man?  I`ve been looking all my life…LOL!` So I counter-commented something like: `He`s the new talking Ken doll from Mattel, he retails for $39.95.`  She ignored me and wrote another comment:  “ Oh, (Facebook User), I wish I had a man like you, your wife is so lucky!  LOL!”  Yes “LOL” is right!  Is it just me or can you see the subtext in this guy’s status?  I think Dr.Phil would have a field day on the hot seat with this dude.  Let’s analyze it sentence by sentence:

“He calls you beautiful instead of hot”:  This means he is probably having sex somewhere else.   A sunset, a BLT, a covered bridge in Madison County are beautiful, too, and he is not boning either of these things.

“…who calls you back when you hang up on him, ”  : Why did you hang up on him in the first place?  Go with your instincts.  Oprah will tell you that.

“…who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat.”  Creepy.

“…who will stay awake just to watch you sleep”:  Yeah, so he can sneak downstairs and make a phone call.

“…wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats”:  Red flag!  Red flag!  This is the most dangerous of them all!  You realize, you, in sweats, are not hot.  He doesn’t think so either and nor does he want anyone else to.  Control freak.

“…holds hands in front of his friends.”:  That one is sort of cute but caution to all PDA, it is often just for show or like marking territory.

“…Constantly reminding you how much he care for you and how lucky he is to have YOU.”   Constantly?  Who is he really trying to remind? 

I’m not tying to be a big Valentine’s Scrooge but let’s just say I have your back.  If he seems to good to be true, you probably made him up in your head.  I’m not too worried my “friend” is going to read my post, he’s probably too busy rubbing petroleum jelly on his wife’s feet so she slips in the shower later on.  Here is the new talking Ken Doll, by the way:

Men Who Will Save The Day (Sigh)

 

Some wood left behind by a man, and not the good kind

Men.  They come and they go, that’s for sure.  Some of them leave without a trace more or less (maybe a dab of DNA), others bolt and they leave drywall dust and debris behind.  And their dander, yuck…as Dr. Phil would say: “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!”  And in my case, in my backyard last week: 6 giant elevator doors (don’t even ask) and two piles of wood blocking the driveway were my souvenirs from a hoarder with the organizational skills of Martha Stewart.  Also, in my basement are piles of useless items, bungee corded, Rubbermaided,  and labeled, laid out from tall to small still remain living a life of limbo.  To trash or not to trash.  Ebay or Craigslist.  Help me, Jesus.  Who’s going to save me now?  Certainly not my beloved Dr. Oz, he doesn’t know I exist.  If I set it all on fire, the firemen will come (hot) but so will the police (not hot).  Ladies, you can have your conventional hero fantasies, but  the fuel for my mojo are the Weir brothers from 86it Junk.  As far as I’m concerned, men who will take your crap away far out-trump men who can teach tennis, shuck oysters, play doctors on tv, ride horses, swallow fire, etc.  See what the Weir brothers can do for you, click here.

Taking it all away

Sean and Kevin are super polite and prompt and they will take anything away at a reasonable price, 416-310-8686.  So my advice is not let that junk multiply in your backyard or basement.  As I have always said, a man with a truck is a mighty thing.  But two men with a truck and some gloves are worth serving lemonade to!