Faak!  The other day one of my Facebook cronies had a status: “Bikini season is coming!”  You know the type, the one that always posts that they are at the gym and what they did: “Burpees, squats, and lunges, OH MY!” And then tell you what they eat: “Quinoa is yummy!”  Quinoa is one of those “superfoods” that all the gym rats seem to have in their diet.  It’s magical only because it’s so labour intensive. By the time you figure out what it is, where it is on the grocery shelf, haul it home, figure out how to cook it, boil it, put it in a bowl and make a face, chew it, digest it, explode it out, you have lost 5 pounds.

Dr. Oz is all about “superfoods.” Everyday he has something you are supposed to eat to boost your metabolism:  “DRINK APPLE CIDER VINEGAR EVERY MORNING AND LOSE 6 POUNDS!”  I tried it and lasted 3 days.  I think it works because your colon puckers up and gets all uptight and won’t let anything make its way through casually anymore, you know, let’s wait until after the morning coffee to drop the kids off at the pool.  Cidered-up colon becomes a GTFO super efficient drill sergeant pushing every half-chewed nugget out the back door almost as soon as it goes in.  There is nothing worse than a wild army of poop going headlong in the middle of the afternoon and having to find a public washroom.   Do not like.

Anyway, bikini season is no joke.  Must take it seriously. The good people at Sports Illustrated have generously given us some swimsuit suggestions. Those bikini designers are so innovative. It’s all about geometry and knowing how to work a couple of isosceles triangles with some string. Two Toblerone-sized pieces of fabric can restrain an avalanche of tit flesh…sheer wizardry! I’m not going to say anything about those bikini bottoms because I have been to Google Beach and I have seen much worse.

I’m a Lady of a Certain Age…I could have given birth to this Kate Upton character, put her in a bacon bikini for all I care, she is no threat to me. I need a suit that holds it all in with more than prayer.  Oh, how I laughed when I googled “swimsuits for cougars” and this came up.  I have been waiting to work this into a post for weeks, it’s my screensaver.  In fact, it’s been my inspiration for bikini season all along:

This cannot be unseen.

So for me, maybe it’s the Land’s End catalogue.  It’s not as Amish as it used to be, some of the suits have a retro-Hollywood glamour, if you squint and conjure up an image of Ava Gardner in your head.  In fact, there’s a scene in one of my favourite movies of all time, “Little Children” where Kate Winslet orders a red one-piece suit from a Lands’s End-style catalogue before she embarks on her steamy, hot affair with the stay-at-home dad, aka The Prom King.  I’m going to peruse the interwebs for more swimwear and leave you the trailer which will get you in the mood for some summer extra-marital affairs at your local public pool: