Separated at birth! They both look exactly the same! And they are both fettered by one dick!  Donald Trump! Jenna Talackova, on the left, is a transgendered and disqualified Miss Universe Canada pageant contestant and Ivanka Trump, on the right, is her father’s daughter.  Here’s a question: Why don’t Trump spawn rebel like normal children?  His sons are even more vulgarian than he is, shouldn’t douchebaggery skip a generation? Here they are with a dead leopard:

Trophy hunting, now there’s thousands of dollars well spent. As a carnivore and savage mousetrapper, I get the concept of hunting for food and even how this particular African safari helps the local villagers, how ever smug the Trumpzillas are about helping the poor.  But there is something grotesque about wealthy men killing endangered animals for sport just for the photo op.  You have a guns, of course you’re going to win. Here’s a Trump reality show pitch: Eric and Donald Junior go back to Africa as bounty hunters to kill Kony! In one episode, Donald Junior gets dengue fever and has to hang out at the base camp with a sexy, busty nurse named Ursula. Hilarity ensues when D.J. gets delirious with the fever and strips off all his clothes yelling: “Uuuuurthhhhh-ulaaaaaaaah!”  (In real life, I’ve seen a drunk man yell out for his girlfriend “Ursula” just like that, it was even better than Brando’s “Stella”) Meanwhile Eric and Gahiji, the African guide, go off hunting in the jungle.  Gahiji gets bitten by a snake! In the bum! And Eric has to suck out the poison!  More hilarity!  The longer it takes them to find Kony, the dumber it gets. That is a show I would watch.

Score two points for the Donald Senior.  Firstly, he was “supposedly” embarrassed by his sons’ safari pictures and secondly, Jenna’s back in the competition! Apparently, the Donald has over-turned the decision to disqualify Jenna from the pageant on the basis that she was born a boy.  Jenna, who is now 23, underwent gender reassignment surgery at age 19 and by all accounts is legally a woman.  She will get to compete with 65 contestants in Miss Universe Canada in Toronto on May 19, and if she wins, she will compete in the global Miss Universe.  Good luck, Jenna!

Anyway, I’m surprised people even care these days. Don’t people watch tv?  Phil Donahue in the 1970s had shows on transgender and every talk show since, including Oprah, has had perfectly eloquent guests explaining at how, at an early age, they did not identify with the sex they were born as, it’s really not that hard to understand.  Thankfully, it’s no longer a considered freak show by compassionate people. That scene from”The Crying Game” (it’s twenty years ago!) is just a typical one night stand from The Elephant and Castle on half-price wing night, it could happen to you! And so what?  Modern men are more concerned about hidden gluten in their food than they are about women with hidden penises.  Further more, if you were a space alien and you came down to Earth to learn about human sexuality Kinsey-style and all you had was Google porn for research, you would think the vagina was just there for decoration since everything is up the bum hole.  Sometimes I rue the day (not really) I let my nephew remove my parental control block as I have seen golf played in a way that would make even a proctologist wince.  Or hand out his business cards. Why must I click on every link? Oh, who am I kidding?  I love all the surprises in the jungle that is google safari.

In the meantime, check out this satire on the beauty pageant industry, 1975’s SMILE.  I loved this movie as a kid, I still put Vaseline on my teeth when I’m in a nervous situation: