I went to see “Ted the Movie” the other day, in part because I like a darkened movie theatre in the middle of summer but mostly because I miss my son Freddy.  He’s at camp up somewhere outside of Sudbury for the entire summer.  He’s on a wild river trip with no toilets or showers.  I sent him a care package of cured salami (not spicy! nobody needs a ring of fire in the woods!) and Mio, those fruity droplets that flavour up the water that they have to drink which is probably straight from the river and tastes as freshly foul as fish jizz.

Freddy and I love our Family Guy rituals and the other day our favourite episode came on, the one where Stewie and Brian are locked in the bank vault. It is pure comedic genius with existential ramifications. I got all melancholy for Freddy.  He is a teenager, but he is just like owning a pet cat.  He comes down from the roof when he is hungry.  He languishes on the couch during certain tv shows, then he disappears as quietly as he came.  He doesn’t shed at least.  Unlike my daughter who is more like a pet dog with maintenance issues and leaves trails of lint and wadded up Kleenex balls.

So I went to see “Ted” because it’s Seth MacFarlane and I love him. Even though a talking teddy bear might seem like a kid flick, there is “adult” humour and 6 seconds of GFN (Gratuitous Frontal Nudity…oh how I miss the 80’s cinematic masterpieces like “Losin’ It” and “Going All The Way” ).  I kind of snorted once or twice but I didn’t really laugh and I’m pretty sure as a LOCA, I wasn’t the target audience.  I told my 18-year-old daughter about it (she is the smart one and would not go see this movie with me) and she said, wisely, “Adults these days are like giant children.”

Depressing thought.  Generation X is going to need Generation Y and Z to change their diapers sooner than they think.  Having said that though, I can handle stunted teenage behaviour in a Mark Wahlberg-like guy who likes to hang out with a teddy bear and smoke pot all day.  Good times.

Then my daughter and I went to see Sarah Polley’s “Take This Waltz” with the other big bear, Seth Rogen.  In spite of what I’m about to say, it’s a thought provoking film about a woman coming into her own, having to make a life choice between two men, her bear husband and hipster neighbour.  It’s actually remarkably similar to “Ted” in a way.  This time the infant was played by Michelle Williams who dresses in giant toddler outfits and says things like “I wuv you” to her lover who she routinely has threesomes with…that is “adult behaviour.”  She made me mad.

“Why does every man love Michelle Williams?”  I ranted in the parking garage, “Like in Blue Valentine, Ryan Gosling worships her. RYAN GOSLING FOR GODSAKE!”

“Just in the movies.  Oh my God, Mother,” says Evangeline with a massive eye roll.

“Doesn’t matter, it’s a projection of who she is.  Men love feckless doughheads who talk in baby lingo.  She looked like she was dressed in Garanimals!”

“What’s Garanimals?” asked Generation Y, who grew up in Baby Gap.

“Cutesy toddler outfits!  I refuse to believe an artist hipster would be attracted to her, especially after she pissed in a pool and caused a public fouling.  Like she is the only fish in the sea. There are hotter chicks in the world.”

“Oh my God, Mother, don’t take it so personally.  And have you not seen her in “My Week With Marilyn?”

This is me:

I will never see Michelle Williams playing Marilyn Monroe.  Generation Y doesn’t get it.  One does not simply “portray” Marilyn Monroe.  A pop culture icon is best left to the drag queens who are able to capture their essence with a heaping helping of camp and hyperbole.  Although who better to play the helpless little girl persona of Marilyn Monroe than Michelle Williams?   Or “Mi-Mi Wee-Wee” let’s call her from now on.

My giant hate-on went from the parking garage and all the way through traffic on Bloor Street.

It turned out we were both bothered by this movie.  This how I expressed it:  “What an annoying cunt she was!”  But Daughter Generation Y explained it as:  “Her self-imposed  nobility keeps her from giving into her desires.  The depiction of her marriage was cloying with their constant game playing. Even when she chooses to leave, she runs away, impulsively and it doesn’t take long before she reverts back to the role of the little girl. The infantilization of her character is prevalent in modern society.  It’s quite pathetic really.”

Thank God I’m gonna have someone to change my diapers in a few short years.  We bantered until we got to the Bloor Viaduct, which always make me think of one thing and it’s not jumping.

“Let’s go to the Dairy Queen!” I said, “I haven’t had a Dilly Bar since the age of acid wash!”

“Why didn’t you keep all that stuff, Mom?  Then I wouldn’t have to shop at American Apparel. And no, I don’t want to go to the shitty Dairy Queen.”

And  I rolled my eyes.

Here is the Take This Waltz trailer: