My Organic Secret Meat Swanepoel

Spanx fishnets:  Victoria’s Cougar Mom’s Secret

I feel like I have a lot to say because I haven’t posted in a week but most of my adventures have been internal and not Toronto East Hood-specific.  Since last week, when the household was declared “organic meat only’ by Righteous Teenage Daughter, aka. Evangeline, I have been complying.  On Saturday, I found The Friendly Butcher on the Danforth to be easy and convenient, the butcher was pleasant enough but not so sure about what “friendly” means, I will definitely go back this week and check what’s up now that I have my mojo back.  Yes, last weekend I had a mojo upset…didn’t know who I was, I wore sweatpants with those grey socks, let my hair go all porcupiney, and I think I was speaking tongues.  And this is the week that filming for my realty show, The Agents, resumes.  On Monday I got my wardrobe instruction :  “It doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom because we are only doing head shot.  And because you are shooting with a troll shorter agent, we need you to wear flats so you don’t tower over her.”  And there was more:  “Wear something neutral and not a sweater because the troll other agent is wearing one, wear a button down.”  Seriously, does Joan on Madmen wear a button down?  I have to wear flat shoes and a collared shirt?  Am I the dude in this bitch fight?  I got my balls back and channelled Joan Crawford and countered with “I DO NOT WEAR BUTTON DOWNS!”

So we are settling on a v-neck cardigan, the other whore agent is wearng a turtleneck so for sure I will fare better.  As for “it doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom”…well, if I have learned one thing in my ladyhood, yes it does.  Apparently, foundation garments are the key to success.  Do you know that with the plethora of internet porn that is available today, the men are still using your Victoria Secret catologs to supplement it?  And there are no nipples in Victoriaville, so what up with the man you married 20 years ago who can’t remember your birthday but knows how to spell ” Candice Swanepoel?”  It is all about the power of imagination.  This is why I will be wearing fishnet Spanx on my shoot tomorrow.  Nobody will see it, but I will know and you will know because I just told you.

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One response »

  1. Love it-gave me my laugh for the day- I am in the same boat with clothes.I can’t even shove my wide feet into pointy toed pumps. Do they have Spanx socks?

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