Is it just me or has Christmas lost its mojo? It’s not the weather because it’s cold and snowy and no one more than me loves an excuse to stay at home on a Saturday night and wear fabric birth control (otherwise known as fleece) and watch Love, Actually for the billionth time on the W Network. But it was on last weekend and I fell asleep before the climax where all the characters converge, collapse, and copulate. And Mariah Carey sings on the soundtrack which would make watching this is a guilty pleasure except there is gratuitous frontal nudity and an orgy scene in it so it’s not a complete chick flick. British people are good for that sort of thing. But I fell asleep because Christmas is tired and I’m blaming LED Lights, the Economy, and the Internet. LED lights: People are forced to decorate with this barbaric technology these days and it makes everything look the basement toilet facilities at any given Legion Hall. The Economy: What’s the point of wanting gifts when you’ve bought everything all year round and are skint (British for broke) so you are forced to hibernate? And the Internet because it is like the den that you hibernate in and as long as it is there, you don’t have to make an appearance at some lame LED lit party where your pupils dilate, craving actual natural light source, which make you eat more and therefore bloat and fill you with more self-loathing than you would have had if you spent the night in fleece watching Love Actually.
So this year I’m going to do like they did in the olden days. Forget baking, why bother when the Hudson’s Bay Company has the best shortbread premium cookies in all their stores? And I can use my Bay card to stimulate the economy and collect Reward Points! Instead I’m going to light candles and make eggnog from scratch and you are all invited. I’ve done it once before back in the day, and I’ll do it again. Homemade eggnog is the bomb and stop with your raw egg salmonella fantasy, I’ve been slurping them down in milkshakes since I was a child playing with the mercury from the broken thermometer my mother put in my mouth when I only pretended to be sick. There’s an eggnog website which you can click on here that will give you recipes, including the low-fat version. I’m going to go full fat as that is what Jesus would do, and any excuse I have to visit Rowe Farms in Leslieville, the better. They have the eggs from the joyous free range chickens and the butcher there is a hot ginger who could probably bring the X back in the Xmas if you know what I mean, which you probably do. I bet your tree is up already.