You know it’s been Covid Times long enough when you actually dream about your kindergarten teacher and she’s carrying a broomstick she’s about to beat you with it as per usual from decades of the same nightmare plots but now she’s not wearing a mask and you wake up with a jolt at 3 am and toss for the next 4 hours waiting for for the sour dough starter to bubble.
You are a negligent jack ass and thee foray into sour dough was a mishap base on your inability to read directions. In 2019 you would have said you would have used the word “disaster” to describe all the sticky white flour glue globs embedded in your kitchen crevices and the rock hard ball of gluten you baked. But it’s 2020 and mistakes are now just charming diversions. Lolz, as it were.
You cried the day it was really here in March of 2020. Although you knew it was coming from weeks of international news but the people stuck in quarantine on the cruise ships just seemed like fools on a modern reality show version of The Love Boat. It’s terrible to have the Schadenfraude gene but it will come in super satisfying in November of 2020. Grease your palms.
You called your family and friends that day they declared LOCKDOWN. Said hey in case they were dying and wished to tell them you loved them. You watched Tiger King but it didn’t sink in. Carole Baskin seems like a very nice lady though. You lay on the couch and the bed and back again. You threw up a once, standing up. You wondered if you’d get more fat or slightly thin? Spoiler Alert: Fat wins for 90 percent of the population. Let’s agree to laugh about this now because one day some Animal Crossing playing millennial will figure out how to turn all those carbon dioxide farts into fuel that propel us all to Mars to escape the mess.
You finally watched Godfather 1 and 2. Not 3 because you are not a completionist. But! You rewatched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City and the two movies for the upteenth time and finally after all these years, figured out Aiden really is The One. K period F period C period. Are you kidding me? Get in my bed, you fried chicken eating handy man.
You found a new path in the city to walk through, one where there were no locks on gates and the dogs could run free. There was beauty in the world and life is good. It really is lovely and quiet.
You woke up one day and it was April. The leaves were budding. The birds were chirping, they don’t fucking know it’s Covid Times. Suddenly, as if lightening struck, the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into a fog.
You got your haircut finally.
You grew it out again.
You lost your mojo but can’t pinpoint when.
You binge watched The Queen’s Gambit in November and masturbated.
You came when Biden won.
You also started a YouTube channel because the sour dough didn’t work out: