Tag Archives: The Agents

My Organic Secret Meat Swanepoel

Spanx fishnets:  Victoria’s Cougar Mom’s Secret

I feel like I have a lot to say because I haven’t posted in a week but most of my adventures have been internal and not Toronto East Hood-specific.  Since last week, when the household was declared “organic meat only’ by Righteous Teenage Daughter, aka. Evangeline, I have been complying.  On Saturday, I found The Friendly Butcher on the Danforth to be easy and convenient, the butcher was pleasant enough but not so sure about what “friendly” means, I will definitely go back this week and check what’s up now that I have my mojo back.  Yes, last weekend I had a mojo upset…didn’t know who I was, I wore sweatpants with those grey socks, let my hair go all porcupiney, and I think I was speaking tongues.  And this is the week that filming for my realty show, The Agents, resumes.  On Monday I got my wardrobe instruction :  “It doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom because we are only doing head shot.  And because you are shooting with a troll shorter agent, we need you to wear flats so you don’t tower over her.”  And there was more:  “Wear something neutral and not a sweater because the troll other agent is wearing one, wear a button down.”  Seriously, does Joan on Madmen wear a button down?  I have to wear flat shoes and a collared shirt?  Am I the dude in this bitch fight?  I got my balls back and channelled Joan Crawford and countered with “I DO NOT WEAR BUTTON DOWNS!”

So we are settling on a v-neck cardigan, the other whore agent is wearng a turtleneck so for sure I will fare better.  As for “it doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom”…well, if I have learned one thing in my ladyhood, yes it does.  Apparently, foundation garments are the key to success.  Do you know that with the plethora of internet porn that is available today, the men are still using your Victoria Secret catologs to supplement it?  And there are no nipples in Victoriaville, so what up with the man you married 20 years ago who can’t remember your birthday but knows how to spell ” Candice Swanepoel?”  It is all about the power of imagination.  This is why I will be wearing fishnet Spanx on my shoot tomorrow.  Nobody will see it, but I will know and you will know because I just told you.

The Good Fight

Age, it can happen to the best of us

Last winter, I was chosen to be on a reality show about real estate agents.  We did a lot of shooting from January until March and then I heard nothing.  It was a lot of fun and would have been good advertising for my real estate services, I need all the fame or infamy I can get in that area since the town is overrun by giant powerhouses on buses and billboards (and special message to a certain spray-tanned real estate agent with a snaggle tooth: use Photoshoppe, the sisters do it and so should you).  The other day, I got a call from the producer of The Agents and they have formatted all the footage into half hour show for the W Network.  She wanted me to come down and see the pilot and then for my particular segment, we will do some reshoots to fit the formula.  I have to say, it’s a pretty good show, it’s based on rivalry and catty behind the scenes comments.  I loved it.  But what I didn’t love was the footage of myself.  Never mind that it was shot two weeks after Christmas and the only thing I had to drink besides Champagne was melted Brie. I can take bloated, the ability to bloat is on my resume.  I looked really old!  You know how when you look in a mirror, you have your repetoire of poses that you take so you don’t have to see the stuff you hate?  Well you can’t do when you see yourself on tv.  It is what it is:  U*G*L*Y.  “I thought you looked cute,” the producer said.  Cute!  I’m in my cougar years, I want to look fierce.  I still have some mojo and I’m not trying to compete with twenty year olds.  I have learned for every flaw, big or small, that a woman might have, there is a freak with a fetish ready to worship her.  But the problem is that while he is admiring her exquisite beauty, he is creating a mountain Kleenex wads underneath his webcam somewhere in Germany.  So if you want to get a real life date with a North American male, LOCA’s, you better get with the program.  So here I go:

me with a rubber collagen mask on at Salon Spa College

My friend Connie is learning to be an esthetician at Salon Spa College, which is at Don Mills and York Mills.  She`s had me in for a couple of procedures, this one was the basic facial with galvanic energy.  She sealed in the serum with a wand full of positive current while I held another wand of negative current.  It must work because electricity is involved.  The pore holes shrink so skin looks firmer.  Sometimes my pores like to gape open too much, that`s probably when everything looks all saggy.  Must remember this for when they do reshoots in a couple of weeks.  Anyway, at the Salon Spa College, they do all kinds of treatments from laser hair removal, facials, manicures, pedicures and with state of the art equipment, and they take appointments for the public,  The prices are really good, check out their website here.  I`m excited for something that I saw on Dr. Oz the other day about a new treatment called Ultherapy, where they use ultrasound to repair the collagen deep in the skin so that the turkey waddle is diminished.  It`s probably something that a doctor operated which means more money but it will be worth it.  It might be a drag getting old, but you`ll never get bored fighting it.

The Junction, Shmunction, What’s Your Function?

“The Agents” in Action

The tv show, The Agents,  that I’m on is still in production and they are taking their filming out of the East Hoods and into the West End.  Yesterday I was called to go visit a house on Osler (Dupont and Dundas St. West).  I sold a really sweet house on Osler a couple of years ago for a quarter pounder (that’s real estate shop talk for $250,00o) but the one I was going to see was a couple of blocks south.  As I recalled back then, the street was described as blue collar working class and it was in an up and coming neighbourhood called “The Junction.”  Toronto is becoming so neighbourhood obsessed.  Some neighbourhoods have neighbourhoods within their neighbourhood.  They do the gentrification thing and put up a row of upscale townhomes and change the neighbourhood name to something cryptic to disassociate themselves from the original:  “Corktown”, you are still in Regent Park, don’t kid yourself, the meth lab is in full view across the street and the crack hos are using your bodega to get their sundries.  Anyway, over the last two years, it turns out the citizens of The Junction have rejected Osler as part of their hood.  “Oh, no, this isn’t the Junction, ” the listing agent said, “The Junction is part of High Park and they are part of a triangle.”  He waves his hand to the West.  “Then where are we?”  I am horrified.   I need the definition.  The whole reason neighbourhoods have names is so that real estate agents know how to price a house.  Here is the view:

Osler and Dupont

It turns out the Listing Agent didn’t know what neighbourhood we were in.  And as an aside, he was serving  home made gazpacho (agents like to serve lunch on tv).  Cold soup. “Tarragon and tomatoes go so well together,”  he said with confidence.  Eating cold soup is like eating a bowl of relish.  I am out of sorts, I think I need to put this stuff on a hot dog.  He also says, “It’s a buyers’ market so I’m holding on offers til Wednesday.  I think $399,000 is a good price!”  For a house that is not considered part of the Junction?  Maybe if it was in the Junction proper! And, isn’t the defintion of “junction” to join by traffic or railroad?  The railway is a half a block away and there is so much traffic, my interview gets halted so many times that my bowl of gazpacho gets warm in the sun.  And if it is a buyer’s market, isn’t holding back offers a seller’s market strategy? There are so many trucks roaring by, I can barely think straight.  Osler Fish Market is busy for a Monday, and I thought Tuesday was fish day.  Being in the west end had me all confused, everything is so ass backwards.  Usually I am nice in my interviews, but yesterday I was  The Wicked Witch of The East; “This house is never going to sell!”  I cackled. Anyway, if this part of Osler is not considered the Junction, I`m offically calling it Gazpacho Town because I left a trail of it for three blocks.

Kristin’s 15 Minutes and Then Some

Well, Andy Warhol said “everyone will be famous for 15 minutes” or was it “in 15 minutes, everyone will be famous?” Here I am pondering that question as I wait for my close up on location (at Jones and Danforth) of the show “The Agents.” I’m only pretending to be bored like George Clooney did at the Oscars but really it was the most fun and the crew was the best! The show will air sometime on the W Network. I get to milk my 15 minutes to 30! I think if Andy was still around he’d say “everybody will be famous on a reality show.” The Agents is about real estate agents and all their fun deals and their catty backtalk! Should be a hoot and I will keep y’all posted when it’s on!