Last winter, I was chosen to be on a reality show about real estate agents. We did a lot of shooting from January until March and then I heard nothing. It was a lot of fun and would have been good advertising for my real estate services, I need all the fame or infamy I can get in that area since the town is overrun by giant powerhouses on buses and billboards (and special message to a certain spray-tanned real estate agent with a snaggle tooth: use Photoshoppe, the sisters do it and so should you). The other day, I got a call from the producer of The Agents and they have formatted all the footage into half hour show for the W Network. She wanted me to come down and see the pilot and then for my particular segment, we will do some reshoots to fit the formula. I have to say, it’s a pretty good show, it’s based on rivalry and catty behind the scenes comments. I loved it. But what I didn’t love was the footage of myself. Never mind that it was shot two weeks after Christmas and the only thing I had to drink besides Champagne was melted Brie. I can take bloated, the ability to bloat is on my resume. I looked really old! You know how when you look in a mirror, you have your repetoire of poses that you take so you don’t have to see the stuff you hate? Well you can’t do when you see yourself on tv. It is what it is: U*G*L*Y. “I thought you looked cute,” the producer said. Cute! I’m in my cougar years, I want to look fierce. I still have some mojo and I’m not trying to compete with twenty year olds. I have learned for every flaw, big or small, that a woman might have, there is a freak with a fetish ready to worship her. But the problem is that while he is admiring her exquisite beauty, he is creating a mountain Kleenex wads underneath his webcam somewhere in Germany. So if you want to get a real life date with a North American male, LOCA’s, you better get with the program. So here I go:
My friend Connie is learning to be an esthetician at Salon Spa College, which is at Don Mills and York Mills. She`s had me in for a couple of procedures, this one was the basic facial with galvanic energy. She sealed in the serum with a wand full of positive current while I held another wand of negative current. It must work because electricity is involved. The pore holes shrink so skin looks firmer. Sometimes my pores like to gape open too much, that`s probably when everything looks all saggy. Must remember this for when they do reshoots in a couple of weeks. Anyway, at the Salon Spa College, they do all kinds of treatments from laser hair removal, facials, manicures, pedicures and with state of the art equipment, and they take appointments for the public, The prices are really good, check out their website here. I`m excited for something that I saw on Dr. Oz the other day about a new treatment called Ultherapy, where they use ultrasound to repair the collagen deep in the skin so that the turkey waddle is diminished. It`s probably something that a doctor operated which means more money but it will be worth it. It might be a drag getting old, but you`ll never get bored fighting it.