Last weekend was the much-anticipated wedding of my tenant that I told you about if you were listening and yes, I wore Spanx after all 😦 . But have I ever told you that all 3 of my downstairs tenants (including my ex-husband, haha) have moved away to get married? Why don’t I rent it to someone I might want to marry down the road? Or at least a teflon dude like George Clooney who is dedicated to “bachelorhood” and will never leave me? I am using my air quotes because I think George is actually gay (c’mon people, his pussy posse is a beard brigade) and a so-called confirmed “straight” bachelor is a unicorn that doesn’t really exist in the real world. All those trollop-type men who you think will never settle down will inevitably end up married one day,trust me. Those are the type of dudes who surprise you and marry the nanny of the kid they accidentally fathered with the woman whose birth control “failed” while they were casually dating for a few weeks. So, so, so “romantic.”

Anyway, I can’t control who answers my ads on Craigslist. The internet is a jungle, we all know that. Which brings me to exactly two years ago, my tenant at the time, who had bounced no less than 6 of his rent cheques in less than a year told me he was sooooo sorry he would have to leave because he was saving for a house for his future wife even though all they did was fight over the phone, what a mess, seriously. Some couples you just can’t root for. He gave me less than a month to find a new tenant but to his credit cleaned the place so nicely that my photos on Cragislist garnered a plethora of responses. I had a choice! But also I had to worry about my neighbours because they are righteous sisters who have my back and I want desperately to please them. So in my inbox pile was an email from a young man who was living in Africa working for a charitable organization and coming to Toronto within a month to work at the head office. Ding, ding, ding, jackpot! Nothing my neighbours love more than posting stories of third world problems on their Facebook pages. So I rented it to him, sight unseen, never meeting him in person. The ladies next door would have to love him. And his cheque cleared so at least I loved him.

He moved in and a couple of months went by, he kind of kept to himself,we thought he might have been a socially awkward hermit. It wasn’t until Halloween that he came to one of put porch parties, which are usually an impromptu gathering in summer where copious beers and wines are drunkity, drunk, drunk until someone falls over. But Halloween is always a special event and we asked him to join us. It turns out he wasn’t an introvert teetotaler at all, he drank a bottle of gin and entertained with stories of drunky times in Africa which is actually party central, who knew? At one point he fell off the porch. Aaaand he had officially assimilated with the people of Dixon Avenue.

Little did we know at the time, the neighbours’ youngest sister was at the porch party and some sparks were flying between her and my tenant. For a couple months following, they started secretly seeing other. It wasn’t until one of the other neighbours outed them after seeing her come out of his apartment every morning at 6 a.m. that their jig was up. Isn’t it amazing how things can go on under your nose, literally, and you can’t see it? So romantic, no air quotes or sarcasm here. Some couples give me faith in the system, they are really a sweet pair. Also see how Craigslist can be used for good not just evil?

You know how I sometimes blather on Dorothy Parker-style about how I don’t believe in marriage, blah blah blah, it’s for fools, blah blah blah, one of them is lying, blah blah blah, somebody’s gonna get hurt real bad, blah blah? Well nobody cries harder at a church style wedding than moi. There is something about a bride in a white gown and a groom in a sharp suit that chokes me up, I get that way with bag pipes too, don’t know why…One of my good friends got married a few years back AND had bag pipes at their wedding, I almost melted into the floor. Also a little secret: I LOVE all those bride dress shows on TLC, isn’t it hilarious that they air all those shows on Friday night for all the single ladies to weep into their cats’ backs while drinking the entire 1.5 litre bottle of French Cross?

Weddings are awesome. Another dirty secret: I sometimes plan one of my own as a diversion from the rest of my fantasy regime. Here it is, indulge me while I turn into Bridezilla:

1. I need a groom of course, and here he is:

Louis CK! I would never be bored with a man who takes selfies in front a urinal. And he is at the top of my 10 Hot Ginger Men list, which is my most popular post on this entire blog. I know I talk about Idris Elba a lot, but I think it is just his character in “Luther” that I am in love with. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY. Don’t you worry about me. Louis, call me!

2. The Ring! Yes, I want a ring! Now that Kat von D doesn’t need it :(, I WANT IT:

It has tiny little skulls holding up a diamond! If it had little owls I would like it better but this one will do.

3. The Dress.  I know, it’s all about the strapless but I would be afraid my tits would pop out because my sweater puppies are now old hounds now and they can’t be trusted because gravity. I would go for something like this cleavage/leg showcase and no veil, please, I am a lady of a certain age and that would just look dumb:

NOT THOSE SHOES! Ugh fug! That’s where my “something blue” would come in, I’d wear these:

I know right? Wicked.

4. I would want my hair like those staid house bitches on Downton Abbey with jewels and feathers in it. It turns out that when my hair is in an updo, I am not compelled to twirl it and stuff it in my mouth, OCD is in check, I’d just have to keep my hands busy elsewhere:

5. I would have a winter wedding, so no sweating, no itchy nipples or thighs rubbing together and making slapping sounds…smart, right? Also February is a dull month with nothing going on but Valentine’s Day which don’t worry, I wouldn’t pick THAT day because that would be a douche move: “Look at us getting married on Valentine’s Day! Our love is the most beautiful and sacred of all!”

Let’s go for the end of February, maybe the 29th so we’d only have to celebrate our anniversary every 4 years because when it comes to actual marriage, less is more.

6. I would get married in a hotel, maybe the Gladstone because it’s so hipster, and everyone could drink and conveniently flop there when they got too bloated to carry on. I would feel embarrassed having a church wedding as I was raised agnostic and adopted my own religion where I have interpreted the “7 Deadly Sins” as virtues. Heathenism I think it’s called. I would want the “Teen Queen” room because it’s all about me and my needs, oh my God, Rob Lowe, I’d still hit it:

 

7. And finally, you’d all be invited and my wedding song would be this one…it makes me cry a little: