Tag Archives: Louis CK

24

Jul. ’13

The Wedding Bell Blues

Last weekend was the much-anticipated wedding of my tenant that I told you about if you were listening and yes, I wore Spanx after all 😦 . But have I ever told you that all 3 of my downstairs tenants (including my ex-husband, haha) have moved away to get married? Why don’t I rent it to someone I might want to marry down the road? Or at least a teflon dude like George Clooney who is dedicated to “bachelorhood” and will never leave me? I am using my air quotes because I think George is actually gay (c’mon people, his pussy posse is a beard brigade) and a so-called confirmed “straight” bachelor is a unicorn that doesn’t really exist in the real world. All those trollop-type men who you think will never settle down will inevitably end up married one day,trust me. Those are the type of dudes who surprise you and marry the nanny of the kid they accidentally fathered with the woman whose birth control “failed” while they were casually dating for a few weeks. So, so, so “romantic.”

Anyway, I can’t control who answers my ads on Craigslist. The internet is a jungle, we all know that. Which brings me to exactly two years ago, my tenant at the time, who had bounced no less than 6 of his rent cheques in less than a year told me he was sooooo sorry he would have to leave because he was saving for a house for his future wife even though all they did was fight over the phone, what a mess, seriously. Some couples you just can’t root for. He gave me less than a month to find a new tenant but to his credit cleaned the place so nicely that my photos on Cragislist garnered a plethora of responses. I had a choice! But also I had to worry about my neighbours because they are righteous sisters who have my back and I want desperately to please them. So in my inbox pile was an email from a young man who was living in Africa working for a charitable organization and coming to Toronto within a month to work at the head office. Ding, ding, ding, jackpot! Nothing my neighbours love more than posting stories of third world problems on their Facebook pages. So I rented it to him, sight unseen, never meeting him in person. The ladies next door would have to love him. And his cheque cleared so at least I loved him.

He moved in and a couple of months went by, he kind of kept to himself,we thought he might have been a socially awkward hermit. It wasn’t until Halloween that he came to one of put porch parties, which are usually an impromptu gathering in summer where copious beers and wines are drunkity, drunk, drunk until someone falls over. But Halloween is always a special event and we asked him to join us. It turns out he wasn’t an introvert teetotaler at all, he drank a bottle of gin and entertained with stories of drunky times in Africa which is actually party central, who knew? At one point he fell off the porch. Aaaand he had officially assimilated with the people of Dixon Avenue.

Little did we know at the time, the neighbours’ youngest sister was at the porch party and some sparks were flying between her and my tenant. For a couple months following, they started secretly seeing other. It wasn’t until one of the other neighbours outed them after seeing her come out of his apartment every morning at 6 a.m. that their jig was up. Isn’t it amazing how things can go on under your nose, literally, and you can’t see it? So romantic, no air quotes or sarcasm here. Some couples give me faith in the system, they are really a sweet pair. Also see how Craigslist can be used for good not just evil?

You know how I sometimes blather on Dorothy Parker-style about how I don’t believe in marriage, blah blah blah, it’s for fools, blah blah blah, one of them is lying, blah blah blah, somebody’s gonna get hurt real bad, blah blah? Well nobody cries harder at a church style wedding than moi. There is something about a bride in a white gown and a groom in a sharp suit that chokes me up, I get that way with bag pipes too, don’t know why…One of my good friends got married a few years back AND had bag pipes at their wedding, I almost melted into the floor. Also a little secret: I LOVE all those bride dress shows on TLC, isn’t it hilarious that they air all those shows on Friday night for all the single ladies to weep into their cats’ backs while drinking the entire 1.5 litre bottle of French Cross?

Weddings are awesome. Another dirty secret: I sometimes plan one of my own as a diversion from the rest of my fantasy regime. Here it is, indulge me while I turn into Bridezilla:

1. I need a groom of course, and here he is:

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Louis CK! I would never be bored with a man who takes selfies in front a urinal. And he is at the top of my 10 Hot Ginger Men list, which is my most popular post on this entire blog. I know I talk about Idris Elba a lot, but I think it is just his character in “Luther” that I am in love with. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY. Don’t you worry about me. Louis, call me!

2. The Ring! Yes, I want a ring! Now that Kat von D doesn’t need it :(, I WANT IT:

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It has tiny little skulls holding up a diamond! If it had little owls I would like it better but this one will do.

3. The Dress.  I know, it’s all about the strapless but I would be afraid my tits would pop out because my sweater puppies are now old hounds now and they can’t be trusted because gravity. I would go for something like this cleavage/leg showcase and no veil, please, I am a lady of a certain age and that would just look dumb:

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NOT THOSE SHOES! Ugh fug! That’s where my “something blue” would come in, I’d wear these:

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I know right? Wicked.

4. I would want my hair like those staid house bitches on Downton Abbey with jewels and feathers in it. It turns out that when my hair is in an updo, I am not compelled to twirl it and stuff it in my mouth, OCD is in check, I’d just have to keep my hands busy elsewhere:

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5. I would have a winter wedding, so no sweating, no itchy nipples or thighs rubbing together and making slapping sounds…smart, right? Also February is a dull month with nothing going on but Valentine’s Day which don’t worry, I wouldn’t pick THAT day because that would be a douche move: “Look at us getting married on Valentine’s Day! Our love is the most beautiful and sacred of all!”

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Let’s go for the end of February, maybe the 29th so we’d only have to celebrate our anniversary every 4 years because when it comes to actual marriage, less is more.

6. I would get married in a hotel, maybe the Gladstone because it’s so hipster, and everyone could drink and conveniently flop there when they got too bloated to carry on. I would feel embarrassed having a church wedding as I was raised agnostic and adopted my own religion where I have interpreted the “7 Deadly Sins” as virtues. Heathenism I think it’s called. I would want the “Teen Queen” room because it’s all about me and my needs, oh my God, Rob Lowe, I’d still hit it:

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7. And finally, you’d all be invited and my wedding song would be this one…it makes me cry a little:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13

Dec. ’11

SANTA!!!! I WANT THESE 5 THINGS

Today I found myself prowling on Bloor Street, smack dab in the fancy section, known as something like the Golden 1/8 of a Kilometre.  Let’s not kid ourselves, it’s no Golden Mile like Chicago, and it barely stretches two blocks.  There’s Prada and Gucci but there’s also some other mall type stores like Club Monaco and the Gap, so you never really do feel out of place as you valet park your Scion XB at Holt Renfrew.  I used to work at Holt Renfrew, by the way, my favourite job ever.  But I spent more than I made because I was a material girl:  Fendi!  Hermes! Donna Karan!  I had to quit to pay off my credit card.  And then I had kids and projected my materialism upon them, especially at Christmas.  There were early years that we documented with Bratz dolls and Hot Wheels, and then on to electric guitars and gaming systems.  The other day, Freddy said last year was the best Christmas that we ever had.

“What are you talking about?  That was our poorest haul ever!  You got a tube of Chapstick in your stocking and a pair of Nikes.  You could have gotten shoes in September when school started but I had to save them for under the tree!  And how lame was that tree? All the lightbulbs were burned out and we only had one strand lighting up the bottom.  And on Christmas Eve, when we usually have lobster, we had canned salmon!  Yes, it came out of a can!”

“I don’t remember that.  I loved it because we watched “It’s A Wonderful Life” by the fire in our new pyjamas,” he said.

Sometimes he says cute things.  But mostly he mumbles.  He is probably always high.

So with that Skinter than Skint Christmas under the belt, as I strolled along the Bloor strip, I realized, I don’t really want anything here.  If I had to make a list, none of this crap would be on it.  Okay, I’m totally lying.  Of course I want everything at Sephora, the entire second floor of Holts, and the list goes on like a Talking Heads song, that one I always have in my head when I’m trying to placate myself while being overstimulated by retail eye candy.  I will post it for you, but first I am going to make my Christmas wish list, so you get can have some ideas for your own LOCA in your life:

1. World Peace. Or Piece.  I forget which one.  Or maybe just Love.  Or a piece of World Star Hip Hop that posted the best video of the year where the couple got having sex on the Spadina subway platform.  This it here all NSFW.  This should happen more often.  If everyone did this, we wouldn’t be so hateful, nor would we have to bother on-line dating. I may just buy a TTC pass. It is awesome.

2. A goat.  Seriously, check it out here.  You can buy a goat for a hun. And let someone else have it so you don’t have to deal with it.  That is my kind of gift. And it keeps on giving.

3. Underwear.  I don’t know why mine keep wearing out? I like the ones from American Eagle (aka. Aerie).  I’m serious about this, they are so comfy it’s like you are wearing a teddy bear on your bum. And you can pee-pee leak a bit when you sneeze or put your key in the door and it’s no big deal.  Here is what they look like:

4. A food processor.  Not to be confused with a blender!  Do you know the holy trinity of Italian cooking includes celery, carrots, and onions?  Using a Slap Chop to make ragu alla bolognese is like an excercise in frustration. The hunks of veg keep getting stuck in the grooves of the metal! You have to stop the chop, then fish them out with a knife, which you might as well just use if it weren’t so blunt. As far as screaming and throwing things across the room, I would rather shop for auto insurance or call Rogers Cable to make an enquiry!

5. Louis CK.  My obsession/crush (see previous post as my favourite ginger) had me already go out and get his DVD’s including the first season of “Lucky Louie” so I don’t really know really know what form I can have him in at this point.  Maybe in real life? Sometimes when you let your needs be known the universe will throw you a bone, so says The Secret. So I’m just sending it out there.  SANTA!!!!!! (said with the same plaintive wail as “Stella!”)

And that’s about it on my list, and as promised, I leave you with my shopping song,  “Born under Punches” performed live in Rome in 1980.  See it all come back again, my daughter loves this band.  She thinks Tina Weymouth is the coolest chick ever.  Thank the Gods of Retail for vintage-loving teenage girls:

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09

Dec. ’11

10 Hot Ginger Men

Tonight is the cookie exchange party!  Last night I made 7 dozen chocolate ginger cookies from the Martha Stewart Cookie Book (the ones on the cover).  They are sublime.  They were also labour intensive.  I had to chop chunks of chocolate and grate fresh ginger. As I grated the ginger, I wondered, why are redheaded people called “ginger” when ginger is actually off-white?  Ginger cookies are reddish because of the molasses!  And then I mused about ginger men and how they are coming back in style.  My daughter wants to marry a ginger, or specifically, Rupert Grint or Robert Pattinson, who is technically a brunette but can be filed under “tinge of ginge.”  When I was a nubile 19 year old, I fell hopelessly in love with an older Jewish guy who looked like Starsky from the tv show (not Ben Stiller from the movie…please). He had brown hair but when he forgot to shave, his beard would come in red. He was a moody fucker and would spend days in his apartment, growing this ginger beard that would collect food and toilet paper lint.  For some reason I thought it was hot. I loved him so much, I would have carved his initials on my ass (this was before tattoos were mainstream). He ended up dumping me for someone his own age although he told me I was the best sex he ever had. My youth embarassed him! Bet he regrets that now. Lol.

Since then, I haven’t really given red headed men, or tinge of ginges, much credit.  I like a tall, dark, handsome man like every other ho in T.O. but as y’all know, I have sub-categories:  Indian men, men that look like Jesus, men with dark moustaches that resemble outlaws from the 1930s, men who herd sheep, and the list goes on.  But since I’ve unleashed my mojo, why not expand my horizons?  Re-think the gingers! They are not all like Danny Bona-douche or Carrot Top.  So as I baked, I comprised a Top Ten list, saving my fave for last.  here we go:

1.  JESUS!

Not Willem Dafoe as Jesus in the Last Tempation of Christ, but Jesus in general.  Yes, Jesus was likely a ginger, or a ginge tinge, based upon the tribe of his maternal lineage according to my research on Google and central casting according to Martin Scorsese.  Jesus was a carpenter and I do like men who work with their hands.  Lose the entourage though, don’t have time to do you all.

2.  Sterling Hayden

In university, I took a film course on Stanley Kubrick.  Sterling Hayden was in The Killing which was one of those heist-gone-wrong films that I looooove.  And he was hooooootttt!!!!  And then he was in Dr. Strangelove and he was craaaaazzzy.  I love a nut job.

3. Vincent Van Gogh

Speaking of crazy, I love that he cut off his ear.  That is so awesome.  Men don’t do that anymore, they don’t even cut their own toenails.  They get pedicures and have their balls waxed at a salon!  Pussies.

4. Eric Stoltz

Remember him?  He was hot during the Brat Pack era but didn’t get the fame.  Because he was a redhead! Look how cute he is, he is like a male Jodie Foster. I like Jodie Foster a lot, I remember when she was a child star, I wanted her to be my friend.  She was in the original Freaky Friday!

5. Boris Becker

I know, what’s up with this?  I’m picking this tennis playah because he is a perfect example of a blonde with a ginge tinge.  This works well if you style yourself like a Scandanavian hipster or a fisherman.

6. David Caruso

Ugly-sexy!  And the voice!  All he has to do is talk and you forget worrying about what level SPF he has to use in Miami.

7. Kevin McKidd

Another actor from that show Grey’s Anatomy which jumped the shark after season 3 when the plots turned into something from General Hospital.  What McHorseshit.  But this guy is worth a channel surf.

8. I don’t know who this is

When I googled ‘hot ginger” so many fetish websites came up, who knew?  Check out this site, it’s perfectly wholesome, so many more to fuel your fetish.  I think this dude would make a perfectly good son-in-law.

9. Prince Harry

I’m putting him on my list because you like him and I need a higher google rating.  Sweet!

10.  Louis CK!  

I know I’m late to the party but I am madly in love with Louis CK.  I want to marry him.  I don’t even think I need to tell you why, just watch:

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