It’s been ten years since the release of that movie you PRETEND TO HATE or CLAIM TO HAVE NEVER SEEN, “Love Actually.” It occurred to me that I have seen this film at least two times during any given Christmas, even 3 because I have watched that part on the DVD where the director, Richard Curtis, Hugh Grant, and that strange boy blather on over the soundtrack telling you behind-the-scene things you don’t want to know, which means I have seen it probably 25 times or even more. let’s not kid ourselves. I am SUCKER for shmaltzy rom coms even though in my real life I am a curmudgeony old bitch about romance and I truly believe that we, as a modern society, should forego the outdated nuclear family units and live in compounds where we sign up for intimate activities like we did for intramural sports back in high school. Organized orgies, makes total sense, think about it before you pooh-pooh it.
I have been to no less than 6 Christmas parties this season. I went manic this year with festivities and even managed to miss a couple of them because I truly feel like my liver is getting fucked up and I can’t wait til Juiceless January, seriously. I am trying to take it easy but! I am grooving to eggnog, I forgot all about it until I had the PC chocolate one…it tastes like melted Häagen-Dazs® Mayan Chocolate ice cream with dark rum, yo. And I am also enjoying the company of y’all in the actual flesh for a change, not in the usual ectoplasmic interweb reality which is so impersonal.
My social circle is a bit like a stagnant lazy river, it need some waves, I think. My organized orgy idea starts making a lot of sense when I see some of you married types year after year, fighting the same fight. Or worse, not even talking at all. Not all of you, but some of you and I think you know who you are, it might be time to let go, just saying. For example, at last night’s church potluck (yes, I went to a church potluck, for the free flowing booze and door prizes) Mrs. C who gave me a glaring stinkeye for “flirting with her husband all night.” I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT! You need to know, if I really fancy someone, I am either throwing things at them from afar or hiding in the corner chewing my hair, trust. I was only laughing hysterically at his jokes as a cry for help because he was pressing his holy porker into my hipbone. Why do I get blamed for your husband’s shenanigans? Protip: If you love the dickhead, let him go, if he comes back, more laundry for you, if he doesn’t, then one less egg to fry, you’re welcome. Oh my God, people, stop coupling up and sticking like festering glue, it’s not healthy.
I was so happy to get home from that fucking fruitless church social (did not win any door prizes) and “Love Actually” was on! How comforting! All those misfits find love in the end. Although how long does it last? I think we can all agree that love is transient. In time, it either turns to shit or grows deeper….hahahahaha, just jokes, it aways turns to shit, bah humbug!
Indulge my inner Scrooge and let’s visit the 10 year reunion of “Love Actually,” and call it “Love Inevitably.” I will recap where we left off, it’s a tightly woven quagmire of fuckery, but I will guide you through, couple by couple, so can all follow along, EVEN IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT. LIAR:
Let’s start with these two, the precious nuclear family:
When we left left Karen and Harry (Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman), they just had a bullshit exchange of Christmas presents where he gave her a fucking Joni Mitchell CD as if she didn’t already have the whole collection. Earlier she had found in his pocket, a fancy pants heart necklace that she thought was for her but then when she opened the shitty CD, realized the fucker was probably having an affair. She confronted him at the kids’ Christmas concert and he admitted to being a big ass fool and she was all like, you made my life foolish. She was super classy and he was dumb dickwad, we can all agree on that. Although, and I will be vilified for saying this, Karen is a bit frumpy and the other woman in question is this one here, Mia (Heike Makatsch). You can’t see it but she is opening her legs (in a skirt!) at the office:
WHERE ARE THEY NOW 10 YEARS LATER? Well, duh, of course Harry ended up boning Mia, it happened even before New Year’s Eve, come on. It lasted some months and Karen knew about it but said nothing as she is a stoic Jackie Kennedy-type. Although she did start taking matters into her own hands, she stopped wearing those hideous long skirts, grew her Lady Di hairdo out, thank gods, worst hairstyle EVAR. Soon enough, when the kids got older, Karen started taking tennis lessons and even had affair with this young buck from Match Point, Chris Wilton (Jonathan Rhys Meyers):
It didn’t last though because he ended up getting married to someone else and working for his father-in-law but it did give her the courage to finally divorce Harry, who ended up a raging, lonely alcoholic after his magazine business went under because internettery mags have taken over the publishing business, yes indeed. Mia ends up with some other dude who I will reveal later on, keep reading.
And right now, 10 years later, Karen is remarried to THIS:
I know, right? It’s poetically perfect! It’s her tiresome widower friend, Daniel (Liam Neeson). When we left him 10 years ago, he was just FRESHLY WIDOWED, stuck with a stepson, Sam (Thomas Sangster) ..and I still don’t get where the real dad is even after watching this 25 times. He obsessed over supemodel Claudia Schiffer like a dumb dick. The sad part of this story line is how life imitates art and Liam Neeson ends up a widower in real life by my birthday twin, Natasha Richardson, I don’t want to confuse you but it’s just very tragic is all. He meets a mom, Carol, at Sam’s school play, who looks exactly like Claudia Schiffer! Cross eyes, rabbit teeth and everything, total doppleganger (insert eye roll). Did they live happily ever after, you wonder? No, fuck, no. They went on one stupid date, and she bored him to tears. He ended up on-line dating for YEARS and then finally, he and Karen hooked up in 2009 after a drunken evening at a pub quiz and they got married a year later. Good times.
Oh and the little boy Sam grew up to look like this:
And since this film lacks a decent gay story line, he ends up with the boy, Marcus (Nicholas Hoult) from “About A Boy:”
Works for me. I know you’re saying this is wrong, both films have Hugh Grant, how can they crossover? DEAL WITH IT!
And then there’s this dumb fuck:
Jamie (Colin Firth) finds his girlfriend in bed with his BROTHER, ouch, and goes off to France or somewhere to write his crime novel on a fucking actual typewriter. He FALLS IN LOVE with the housekeeper, Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) even though she only speak Portuguese. I was watching this with some 20 year-old girls last night, and they where all like fawning, this is the cutest coupling in this entire shitty movie. NO! The more I see it, the more I think that this dude has a severe attachment disorder. For one thing when we first see him, he is going to work and saying I love you to his girlfriend 8 million times in a row…red flag, sisters. We are supposed to feel sorry for him when he walks in on her later on with his brother but MAYBE it’s not them, it’s him, a cloistering, soul sucking creep, perhaps. I’m just saying, let’s not judge until we have both side of the story. Boohoo to him because he falls in love in an instant, as soon as Aurelia strips to her panties and tramp stamp to save his wretched novel that blows away into the freezing cold lake because he won’t use a laptop like the rest of us writer-types. Yes, they had laptops 10 years ago. Anyway he learns rudimentary Portuguese and asks her to marry him and she says yes. FLASH FORWARD 10 YEARS LATER, they never actually bothered even getting to third base. She came to London for the weekends, it was a lunchbag letdown of a romance, but she ends up with someone else, keep reading, friends, don’t fret. Shit happens but it’s all good.
But! He did end up with Mia, Harry’s office slut! Fun fact: in the original script the character of Mia was Jamie’s original girlfriend but the director changed it because blahblahblah…(this is amongst the things you don’t want to know when listening to the director talk over a DVD).
Then there is this fucking bitch:
*GASP* She’s so beautiful.
Juliet (Keira Knightley) marries Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and she thinks his best friend, Mark (Andrew Lincoln) hates her because he won’t talk to her but! really he is madly in love with her. She finds this out when she asks to see the wedding video he shot and realizes that all the focus is on her, and she’s all like, I’m so pretty, doing her weird teeth grinding thing watching herself, and then she is like, you really like me. And he is super embarrassed and comes to her house later and does this GRAND ROMANTIC GESTURE:
Oh, my God, I am so in love with this guy, I don’t care what you say.
10 years later, Juliet and Peter are divorced because Juliet, like Narcissus before her, fell into a well of Botox and Juverderm and drowned. Peter ended up with one of the Sirens from Wisconsin (stay scrolling for that). I end up with Mark. It’s plausible. It’s my blog and I can write what I want.
Okay, so then there is THIS STORY LINE:
The Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) and one of his assistants, Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) have a flirtation because the PM is single, like that ever happens, and we are supposed to buy the story that she is a hambeast and too fat for fairy tale love. Just as an aside, this whole fat shaming thing has gone a bit too far, people need to fucking stop. At first I was going to make her into a bulimic and that she turns into a grisled looking Maria Shriver-type but I am not, I’m going to be nice. !0 years later, out of her lush womb, she births 4 babies and she might even be pregnant now, who knows, he is no longer PM and they live on some tropical island…you know, tax shelter, trololololol.
And this clown:
Colin (Kris Marshall) decides to go State Side to get laid so he ends up in Wisconsin and gets more pussy than he bargained for. These are the Sirens. I don’t fucking know their names, it’s a pointess story line EXCEPT there is January Jones, in blue, ACTUALLY SMILING! And I have a girl crush on Elisha Cuthbert. 10 years later, Colin was actually in a coma the whole time IN LONDON and these girls are ACTUALLY his nurses and live in the UK but with American accents, and they are on the loose. Let’s let Peter, Juliet’s ex-husband, have his choice.
AND THEN THIS MAKES ME WANT TO HURL MY EGGNOG AT THE SCREEN:
Sarah (Laura Linney) and Karl (Rodrigo Santaro) work for Harry and have had crushes on each other for a couple of years but did nothing about it until this scene where stupid bitch keeps answering her incessant phone calls from her mentally ill brother. I still fucking yell at the tv when this story comes on because: a) her fucking ringtone is so annoying and b) she keeps calling her brother “babe,” “love,” and “sweetheart.” I hate her so much. Their romance fizzles in the movie and in my sequel, she ends up institutionalized with her brother AND! Hot Brazilian dude, Karl, end up with the Portuguese maid, Aurelia. Bam!
Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) ends up with his cute manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher) when we leave him 10 years ago. Not in a gay way but in a bro way. 10 years later, nothing has changed, they are like a twisted version of the Odd Couple and have a spinoff sit com State Side! that consistently wins Emmys and Golden Globes.
These two, John (Martin Freeman) and Just Judy(Joanna Page):
Live happily ever after, obviously because they did it in the right order. Fuck first, fall in love later, hos. And THAT is the moral of the story!