Oh Buzzfeed, so many questions. Is all this social media quiz-mania killing our brain cells or guiding us through our stagnant and unexamined lives? Here’s some help for you to understand the meaning of it all! Take this test and find out:
1. You scroll on your Facebook newsfeed and see that the goofy nerd from high school has posted his results to the Buzzfeed quiz “Which Gilligan’s Island Character Are You?” and he is, true to form, Gilligan, so you:
a) Pound your fat fist on that “Like” button and/or add a comment: “LMFAO! Little Buddy!” and move on. If you had bothered to take the test, you most likely would have been The Skipper. Even though you were his bully in high school, 20 years and the onset of the Type 2 Diabetes has mellowed you out a bit and now you have a lot of penitence on your plate, asshole.
b) Take the quiz yourself and find out your are the Professor AND Mary Ann, how did that happen? You snort, keep it to yourself, and scroll on for some cat video action.
c) Take the quiz yourself, find out you are Mrs. Howell, freak out, as if! You are still hot, you gave up gluten, 40 is not old! So you retake the quiz adjusting your answers, and you are of course: Ginger! You post it on your own wall and wait for the pokes to begin.
d) Are late to the proverbial party, in both life and on Facebook, and see all the likes and comments on whatever this nonsense is and notice that the one who calls herself Ginger was the girl who gave you an awkward handjob in back of the sugar shack in Grade 10. She’s 25 years older now but you recognize her smug face, you click on her profile photo album and land on the one where she is wearing yoga pants and is fully expressing “camel pose” because of course she is, you zoom in and catch the formation of a tiny bit of toe. The internet is a vast sea of porn but this! This is what keeps you coming back. Sweet Jesus.
2. Your sister takes the “What Color Are You?” Quiz and finds out she is “White” but says she would have “preferred another colour.” You:
a) Worry about her a little bit. Being White must be the worst thing ever, poor thing. Okay, it’s the worst, this signifies an unspeakable failure. You will not tell your parents even though being White is not nearly as bad as being Blue. Can you imagine?
b) Roll your eyes and review the questions. Snort. Of course she is White, all her walls in her house are beige for godsakes.
c) Clap yo hands! Take the quiz yourself, find out you are Purple. You pinch your nipples in gratitude and thank the gods for the details that they meticulously put in creating you. Tonight, in front of the mirror, you will practice winged eyeliner, with the liquid formula and a brush!
d) Get mad. WTF? White isn’t even a color, per se. Is Black even an option? You are 100 shades of grey! Why is this happening? Is this real life?
3. In order to find out which city you should live in, one of the questions is “Which Beyoncé?” You are stumped because there are like, 5 photos of Beyoncés to choose from and you don’t know any Beyoncés, not because you aren’t cool, you just don’t listen to mainstream music and all that shrilling in the satellite radio at the mall sounds the same, so you:
a) Guess which Beyoncé is most New York because New York is cool and you should live in New York, everybody should live in New York at least once in their life because New York is where everything happens. You totally need to live in New York because…..
” …da da da NEW YORK!
Con! Crete! Jung! Gull! Where! Dreams! Are! Maaaaaaade of
There’s la la yuh cahhh do
Na-naah-nuh in New York
These streets will mah-muh-mah,wauh uhuha
Big luuhs-uh will ta la uuh
Huuuhla it from New York, New York, New York!”
That’s Alicia Keyes, stupid.
b) You choose Afro Beyoncé because that is the only Beyoncé you recognize but it’s from Austin Powers which means Buzzfeed will send you to London. You are nervous to live in London because you hate the rain and are afraid of terrorists. What? Terrorists! Grow up! You shouldn’t be so afraid of things, and what do you mean you hate rain? You hate sun! You complain about it all the time: ” The sun, it’s so bright, I can’t see! The sun, it’s so yellow, it offends my purple sensibility!” You should definitely move to London, don’t even bother finishing the rest of the quiz, just go, you chicken-shit idiot.
c) You download and listen to all of Beyoncé’s “greatest” hits, you really want to get the most appropriate answer, like a sign from the gods, because you are tired of living in limbo. Maybe Buzzfeed is the I’Ching of the Internet, a spiritual guide if you will. You light up a fatty, and blow the smoke out the window…of your parents basement. You end up watching 7 episodes Season 3 of “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix and completely forget all abo
d) You choose any old Beyoncé and will probably, somehow randomly, end up getting Portland because that’s where all the roads arbitrarily lead anyway, so it seems, even though you retake the test, tweaking your answers. WTF, why is Portland even an option? Is is it because you are pro-pubes?
4. You’ve had a bad day, you take the “What is Your Spirit Animal?” quiz and find out you are a BEAR, you:
a) Take it literally, and drink some beers.
b) Take it personally, and drink some beers.
c) Take it philosophically, and drink some beers.
d) Drink some beers.
5) You vow not to take anymore frigging Buzzfeed quizzes EXCEPT this one more: What Job Should You Have? Just for shits and giggles you take it and much to your surprise, it is straight forward, no dumbass peripheral Beyoncé-type questions that trip you up, and you actually get what you want! So you:
a) Quit your job as a waitress and pursue actressing because you are a natural, sweetheart. Dreams R Made 4 U.
b) Apply for Teacher’s College because teaching is in your blood. And the summer vacations!
c) Clap yo hands! Finally you can parlay your OCD into a career of Computer Software Engineering. Your mother said you would never get a date being on the computer all day but hello?! Palo Alto, California! Why did you get Portland in that other quiz?
d) Keep on blogging, Writer, don’t stop, submit, submit, submit.
*welp*
SIGH! My internet kittens, what are we going to do with each other?
art of modern living 
made me laugh
Congs, K, this was the best of the lot so far.
“You pinch your nipples in gratitude” takes the cake
Thorioughly researched, believable character, who sat model for you as the heroine of this blog? Michelangelo? Or the biggest OCD sufferer to date, L. d. Vinci? That person was so freaky, he couldn’t draw a circle unless it was perfect. Yikes.
I really, really enjoyed this. Here I could hear you were yourself, freely just holding the pen, while the article wrote itself… I see your best writing experience happening here.
Oh, and I like “Which Beyonce?” It is so trendy. The fact that they don’t give a potential truth value to your answer. You are supposed to get the unguessable. “Which B is the best?” “…the false one?” “…kickass?” “… actually herself?” “…a Jihadist look-alike terrorist cell?” “….a photoshopped production of her in 2076?”
This is so… internet, smart phone, GPS, etc. These things were at first developed with ease of use in mind…. now they are torture devices for people over 59 and a half. You have to guess the bloody functions from incomprehensible hieroglyphic icons, and you can’t see them for their details anyway… yet if you use your Zen skills, they will not work for you like they used to in discos in the early seventies where you went to pick up chicks while stoned on acid.
This was all in the blog… well done.