By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this —
One of you is lying.”
— Dorothy Parker

I don’t mean to put a damper on this whole royal brouhaha, William and Kate taking the plunge next week, but chances are this is doomed.  I think they are both lying!!!!!   Before you dismiss me as some jaded old cougar, I will tell you why:  I may not be an expert on love, per se, but I know about marriage.  It’s simple science.  For one thing, we live too long to expect a union between two people to last a lifetime, less their age at the time of their wedding.  In olden days, the woman often died in childbirth and Farmer Dickhead would marry her 12-year-old sister.  He`d die when she was 20 and she`d be referred to as the Old Widow Dickhead.  Her ovaries would rot quicker than a dingleberry off a donkey`s ass and by the time she was 30 she would be a spent, useless commodity.   Now we live longer, thanks to better health care.  But it doesn’t help that modern times are not conducive to life long relationships.  The internet has turned us all into ADHD, twittering, porn loving rat people, clicking and scrolling the days and nights away.  It turns out there is a whole sub-culture, more common than you think, whose lives are based in cyber space and not actual human interaction.  I think this is stunting our emotional growth and I will discuss all this further in my upcoming book, The Art of Modern Living.  By upcoming, I mean I haven’t written it yet.  But I will.  Tweet.  Oh look, a YouTube video of a kitten stuck in a box!

Back to William and Kate plus Fate.  The subject of the monarch and royal anything normally gets the glaze over my eyes  but I have to admit I’m getting excited over this one.  The girlie girl in me wonders what she will wear, what her bridemaids will look like, et cetera but the jaded old cougar is in a tizzy about having a Royal Wedding party at 4 o’clock in the morning, complete with Mimosas and live twittering!  And maybe a banger or two!  Last night, I watched a Barbara Walters special, click here for bits,  about the story of William and Kate, and how they met and courted.  Let me tell you, the red flags went off!  For one thing, they broke up not once but twice.  Kate was known as Katey Waity basically because she was a “rules” girl.  She lured him in by wearing some see-through garbage bag in a fashion show but then played the good girl card, that whole Madonna-Whore thing.  They dated.  He got bored at some point and dumped her, they got back together, and he dumped her again.  An American tacky mall skank factored into the play.  For some reason, British people see Americans as representative of `what could be`if only they had better dentists.  She lured him back by dressing like a ho again and having the paparazzi get her picture in a sequined garbage bag looking insanely, maniacally happy. “She played the game and got her man,” said British commentator.  That`s the key thing:  Wearing dresses that barely cover your mash will always bring in the banger.  Red flag:  this will soon get tiresome.  Madonna, whore, madonna, whore, madonna, whore…get me a drink.

And then Barbara Walters showed some photos of Kate wearing those demure outfits with wacky hats, looking `strikingly similar` to Princess Diana, William`s mama.  Another red flag:  William is marrying his mother.   If I`ve said once, I`ve said it a million times:  When a man is actually eager to marry you, it`s only because you remind him of his madonna, not his whore.  So if Kate wants to continue to play this tedious `game of love,` she better hone her bulimia (check!  The  British press never lies: she`s lost a stone since the engagement announcement) and keep her seatbelt on at all times.  But I bet she she won`t.  The monarchy is just too oppressive and she will soon find out that it`s not her game anymore. She is just a pawn, a lady dressed in white in a revolving a door.  All they need is a good pre-nup, and after, a really good song to sing to: