I’m not into the whole astrology thing, I think horoscopes are for chicks who read vampire novels.  As though your “star sign” can govern your life or the day you were born can be the cause of your personality disorder.  The other day a friend of mine was describing a young girl who her son is dating and she said:  “She was born the day before my ex-husband hence she is a mini-malignant narcissist in training.”  According to her, if you are having a baby and are due on the Aries timeline, you either schedule a C-section on the cusp of Pisces or cross your legs until you make it to Taurus.  Aries are diabolical and if you ever meet one, do not even make eye contact.  They will suck your soul out like vampires and then get medieval on your heart.

My son Freddy is an Aries! He is the sweetest boy I know! Although this I cannot ignore:  He shares his birthday with Quentin Tarantino, Mariah Carey, and Fergie. He is an aspiring filmmaker, can sing like an angel, and pee like a racehorse. So maybe there is something to it all.

As far as astrology is concerned, I do believe in the power of planetary configurations.  Full moons make people crazy and I’m one of the worst offenders.  Normally when I go about my day, I’m pretty easy going, placid, lazy, gluttonous…in other words your TYPICAL TAURUS.  Blow a full moon across the sky and I am wide awake, snorting and scraping my hooves on the ground. Raging bull, it’s no joke.   If you and I have some unfinished business, expect the phone to ring.  If you are screening your calls and hiding in your basement, I will hunt you down.  I don’t kick or punch or throw things, that is more a drunk Capricorn’s move, or a Gemini with a hormonal imbalance.  I will verbally rip you a new one.  You will need a dictionary. You will cower and wince.  I will show no mercy until you cry.  Then we will go out and get a drink or whatever.  LOL.  The next day when the moon wanes, I will have forgotten all about it and feel like as light as though I had the most epic bowel movement.  But if you are a garden variety Scorpio, Leo, or  an Aquarius with a backbone, you will take the next 29 days to stock your stinger, sharpen your claws. fill your water jug, or whatever your horoscope avatar does to be more menacing. Revenge is your lot in life as the kingpins of your elements:  Water, Fire, and Air…the Mighty Taurus rules the The Earth and needs to be reckoned with.  The rest of y’all, you virgins, fishies, crabs, and centaurs, will just have to wait quietly in your living rooms while the moon waxes and pray to the stars for clemency.

And how about that Venus action the other day?  On June 5 and 6, Venus traveled across the sun. It’s known as Venus Transit, the rarest of predictable celestial phenomena and occurs in pairs eight years apart which are themselves separated by more than a century.

Fuck yeah, Venus!  The onset of Venus kicked full little moon’s ass over the last few days.  The craziest things happened:  Cannibalooza!  Subway floodings! Mall shootings! A huge heaping serving of madness and mayhem courtesy of the universe and its random agenda.

Some of us made our way on Venus Transit unscathed and others got a little roughed up. Me personally?  My toilet got blocked for two days, I finally snaked it clear, but then hit my head on the sink and broke the pipe. Hardly dramatic or even random, just stupid.

One of my best friends went to a Pet Smart Fair and adopted a chihuahua orphan from Louisiana.  Super random and super cute!  And really, what was she thinking? She already has a dog.  When I wanted to adopt a second dog way back in November when Venus was just boring star thing, she was all like, “Don’t be an idiot, you need to adopt a penis, not become some crazy chihuahua lady. Get off Petfinder and go make yourself a Match.com profile.”  There you go.  I did neither, lazy old Taurus that I am.

Others very near and dear got hit by some Venus shrapnel.  Not good.  I had to work hard to  harness the bull because there is really nothing I could do.  Some shit storms are just random milky ways jizzed out from the blackness and others come from us, cruel and calculated.  Things don’t happen for a reason, but you have to make sense of it when it does .  When the shit rains down, it’s best to pack it all nice and tight, make a pan of brownies, and serve it up with whipped cream, just like a Taurus boss when the moon is full.