Merry Tips for Christmas Sloths

American-Horror-Story-2x08-Unholy-Night3-300x236I know some of you are all faking it when it comes to Christmas spirit because of the way you grumble and moan about “getting ready” for one day out of the year. Stop, STAHP. Take a page from my book, The Sloth’s Guide to Successful Modern Living, the Christmas Chapter…just breathe and drink:

1. Hang some lights.  I love the Vegas style lighting displays that people put on, it’s never too much.  Unlike those Halloween decorations that people put up in early October where it looks like a dollar store barfed up on their front lawns, a bazillion Christmas lights is always welcomely festive. And it’s never too soon. Nowadays, because all the lights are dim LED, you can’t have enough because of their inherent ugliness, we have slowly gotten used to over the years, more is more.  Lazy sloth pro-tip:  After Freddy told me my single strand of tiny purple lights plopped up on top of a shrub was “lame,” I just kept going back to Canadian Tire every few days and picked up more lights one box at a time and then added to the nest of luminance strand by strand. There is still is not enough!  It is a refined display that keeps growing but as long as OCD Christmas mongers like exist, there is no point competing:

2. Get a tree.  I have two trees.  One is a fake one that I put in the upstairs living room.  It is my anal retentive theme tree that is a wire mesh base, with pink garland, feathers, butterflies, and glittery things that look like fireworks.  I’ve been putting it up for 7 years and putting the same shite on in year after year, I can do it blindfolded.  It is a sloth’s dream, it doesn’t shed, nothing breaks and it packs away easily.  The other tree is real and lives in the main floor ashram, aka. the room with the big tv and the HBO connection. It’s a tall, messy bitch and it sheds and drinks constantly…oh! just like me!  It smells nice though and it is full of all the mish-mash nostalgic decorations of Christmases past.  Sometimes a sloth has to step up her game because as much work as a real big ass tree is, it’s worth it. Here they both are, my pretties:

pink fake tree

real tree

<fake real>>>>>

I know everybody thinks their own tree is beautiful, like their own babies even if their faces are whacked and their heads are lumpy.  I find other people’s trees (and babies) weird looking.  I have a friend who puts up a fake tree, not a groovy one, but the kind that tries to pass itself off as real but is all perfectly uniform and dusty looking.  Her ornaments are all the same theme, those stupid Nutcracker soldiers and white lights, and spaced perfectly apart.  It’s so ugly, I get depressed when I see it. I had a hard time believing her tree brings her any joy so I brought her a fun little ornament I handcrafted, a little hanging voodoo doll to spice up the soldiers, like this:

voodoo ornament

Cute, right?  Well she didn’t like it because it she didn’t put it on her tree, “I like it for the powder room, ” she said. Never mind, different strokes for different bitches. The important point here is that even as a sloth, you can make your own gifts and ornaments.  If it is an Amish enough activity, like sewing a bunch of buttons on blob body, or popcorn threading, you can do it while watching tv.  And the tv to watch is all those shmaltzy Christmas movies on the W Network that are running on a loop for the month of December. Right now I am watching the one where Sabrina the Teenage Witch kidnaps Mario Lopez and pretends he is her boyfriend to make her parents happy and zaniness ensues, a misunderstanding breaks them apart but SPOILER ALERT: love prevails, just like real life. LOL.

3. Bake something. It’s not that hard if you do it in stages.  I find a lot of Christmas cookie recipes require that the dough needs to be refrigerated for a few hours. This is a sloth’s dream. So if you make the dough, wrap it up, stuff in fridge, maybe wait a day or even a fortnight in order to forget about what a chore it all was, all you have to do is pull it out and chop it up Pillsbury-style onto a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper! No mess, lazy ho! I go to a cookie exchange party with a bunch of broads who were an off-shoot of another cookie exchange slash world’s most dysfunctional book club. Among these ladies, there were mini-feuds and petty quarrels and then there was an incident that is now known as the “Battle of Eat, Pray, Love” and that was when I knew I actually had a murderous side.  Best just quit that bitch, I thought. So the new group formed and last week’s gathering was our second year, we call ourselves the “rebel cookie exchange” because we allow squares.  Cookie exchanges are a great way to mix up your stash, catch up with your posse, drink wine and start wearing stretch pants because this is the beginning of the annual Super Big Bloat. Good times.

4.  Don’t shop. I’m over it. My kids are old and they are going to get practical gifts like socks and Canesten.  I am not going to a mall, no way, no how.  I do not want more stuff in my house, I just got rid of a truckload of crap in the summer during my Italian job garage sale.  If they open up their presents and are saddened and disappointed, they will thank Santa Cunt later on when they have cold feet and itchy poonanis.  Ho ho ho.

5.  Drink all day.  A while ago when I was in London close to Christmas, I went to Liberty’s Department store which is like retail heaven.  It was so civilized that they were serving mulled wine.  I didn’t really think I’d like it… I don’t like warmed up booze, what if the alcohol evaporates and all you are left with is some spiked mushy fruit?  It seems like too much work to eat to get a buzz.  But not the case!  This mulled wine was fantastic and! it was made with WHITE wine…this is key to drinking in large quantities.  Red wine always makes your teeth all black and your innards pickle even before you can get properly loaded.

This is an easy recipe that will make use of your old crockpot and some of those temperamental Clementines that you are now probably sick of…seriously, how does a fruit rot so fast? You know it’s over when you’re on your third box and the entire bottom layer is covered in blue moss. Try and salvage some for this. Here it goes:

Set up crock pot to “Warm”

Dump in a box (3 or 4 liters) of white wine, I don’t care what kind, but I bet even Reisling will work if you think about because it’s already sweet

Pour in some brandy or Cointreau (about a mickey’s worth)

Some sugar to taste, 1/4 to 1/2 cup-ish

Add some cinnamon sticks, cloves and Clementine slices (or oranges)

Let it simmer there for hours while you nip and sip all day.

Pro tip:  When you are holiday slothing, always wear clean pyjamas during the high season because you never know who will stop by.  Sometimes Santa hears your plaintive wails while you are watching “The Loneliest Christmas Angel Ever” starring Heather Locklear  and he might send a FedEx man to deliver you a package.  Magic happens this time of year, if you believe.

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