Hey Yes, Hello Again, Mastering the Art of Waking Up from a Coma

Long time, no write on this internet highway. I miss you folks. I have lots to say! But I’m stunted with writer’s block or laziness or lack of nutrients or something. Please, let me warm up: Blah blah ahem coff coff coff. Red leather, yellow leather. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.  Qwerty you a pointy long ass dick. *wiggles fingers* let’s go:

So I’ve been pretty busy with my job which is like my 10 year-old self’s dream of heaven, taking care of dogs all day. It’s also my 54 year-old’s self’s salvation, who would have known? It’s a pretty sweet way of spending the days and after 6 months, I’m still in the honeymoon phase. I CANNOT GET OVER THE FACT I GET PAID TO DO THIS. In the morning, I pile a pack of dogs in my car and drive them to a park, play, later rinse repeat in the afternoon. Every time I stick my head in my doggofied-seats down hatchback to load up a woofer, another ploofo-bear will ram my head with his/her tongue into my ear or whatever. I will lean in and my heart will just explode with joy as tails wag and flog my face. Plus I love the doggy smell. Corn chips and low note farts. Whatever, the nose is an olfactory mystery of wants and desires.

Speaking of which.

I am in a constant state of needing to shower, pretending I showered, not showered, just air-dried on top of my bed at the end of the day. Under boob sweat smells like expensive French cheese from unpasteurized milk FYI. I’m like totally savage these days. I have never felt hotter. And yet I’ve been a lazy hunter.

My excessive dating has died down exponentially from last year since who needs such things when you can let a Weimaraner head butt you in the ovaries. Or a muzzled mutt try to pry his metal trap open between your legs and hammer-head your upper thighs til they’re a flank steak ready to fry straight up on a George Foreman grill, ho. Bitch, I am bruised and scratched and all of that tactile energy seems to feel that need. Or did I ever really have a need? Not knowing, it’s currently a learning curve. All I have to say is I have never felt so alive.

But! In my two month comma from this bloggo, some shit went down which has been a processing exercise. I’m super bad at reacting to things straight away, a thing I learned about myself, I have to marinate and stare at walls or tv screens. Been watching “The Bachelorette” for the first time since that desperate doe-faced Trista married that Frankenstein cro-magnon looking firefighter Ryan back in the early aughts, oh my god, I remember watching that in a bar waaaaay back when my kids were little and I was sneaking out just to save my sanity. I don’t want to google how they’re doing because it’s not like I don’t care, it’s like I care too much.  I sincerely hope they are happy-ish. Ish because most people don’t even get that. I feel sad for the couples of the modern world because they bought into society’s ideals which I revere and mock at the same time. It’s a real dichotomy of emotions I feel on any given moment. Sometimes I pretend my pillow is hairy bearded Jesus looking man with a long nose and nimble fingers who can make me achieve a mighty orgasm, sweet motherfucking Christ, and help me fix things around the house. Other times my pillow is just a pillow, prop, prop, fluff, fluff, let me watch Seinfeld on Peachtree, and I need to wash the case in the morning because I’m getting chin zits.

Anyway, my pops has gone to live in Sunnybrook Veteran’s Hospital to live out the rest of his life. It’s sad, yes, but it’s not really. In his case it’s actually idyllic and well planned. He has Alzheimer’s, a terrible disease for anyone to have and for everyone around him. Going through the stages is a roller coaster at first. There’s the grumpy, angry period, where they know it’s happening, and by the way, the best time to make sure they stop driving. I get this, sometimes I forget how to shift and let my wispy mind wander into an existential overdrive that I feel like I’m going to start to fly out of traffic like an aeroplane, spelled the British way, wheee! I’m pretty sure if they don’t have cure in the next 10-20 years, my brain will petrify into a rock hard blob of no return. Crosswords don’t help really.

So, going to see my poppadom has been a mixed bag of stuff. First and foremost, my second oldest sister has taken over this whole thing and has gone every single day. She is the MVP of the family these days and she has seen her calling in taking care of our dad. She is actually glowing and they are good together, being a caregiver is her calling. My dad doesn’t know our names but he recognizes us as familiar people. In his current state, he’s like a toddler. His once brilliant mind, that had designed airplane engines in his heyday, is now enthralled by a fidget spinner. BUT HE SAYS THE CUTEST THINGS. I love you, to my mom who he has known for over 60 years, but what’s your name again? I would just swoon if someone said that me. I wouldn’t even be insulted because the fact that they still love you but kind of forget you is tantamount everything that romance stands for.



So that.

Got Shingles in the spring. Was shocked when I went to the clinic and that’s what dude-somewhat-handsome-and debonair-probably-gay doctor said it was. Thought I had poison ivy because it was on my butt and I pee outside nowadays. “Let me see your bum-bum,’ he said, that’s gay, right? It’s not a big deal but it’s painful as fuck but I don’t think it’s worth spending money to get the vaccine. Life is full of shit in general so a bout of shingles is just a slap in the face that any adult should be able to deal with. Still have the rash tho :(. On my butt crack.


Then a very tragic death happened. Won’t discuss that here but just to say life is precious and let’s watch out for each other.


Dating: I know that’s why you read this. I have been involuntarily monogamous with my foot fetish friend! Dude from the previous post post, in goddam April, that’s how long it’s been since I’ve blarffed up a blog. I totally love his personality, he’s the chillest, most easy-going human being I have ever met. You know when people self-describe themselves as “easy-going?” They are not really. They get fucking mad at things and you never know when, it’s like walking on a land mine. I have examples but I’m too ashamed to report them. “I”M EASY GOING BUT YOU ARE A RACIST FOR SAYING MY EX-GIRLFRIEND HAS NEWSCASTER HAIR!” Okay that was just one example from the past. This dude gets mad at nothing, ever. Also, he’s is totally cool with my Shingles butt rash. He’s so quirky though, it’s like peeling an onion of kink layers. I thought the foot fetish out was something but turns out, there’s more! When someone tells you who they are, believe them, is that a Maya Angelou quote? Don”t just fucking believe them, but times it by 100, cuz that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have a foot fetish! But I also like a lot of other things! Gather your big ol’ Home Depot 10 gallon bucket because I’m going to fill it with a list you didn’t even know you had! How lucky am I? More to follow I guess.

And yeah, I’ll just leave this here for now and thank ye for reading this far…. Summer time, let’s enjoy:



2 responses »

  1. Good hearing from you girl ! Just discovered you back in March, and thought I messed up the signing onto your blog. Was a pleasant surprise for sure ! Would love to chat with you sometime. Have a Great Summer

  2. Welcome back, nice post. Sorry to her about your Dad. My grandmother died of Alzheimer’s disease (its effects are systemic) and my late wife had early onset dementia from the two rounds of whole brain radiation. It’s tough to deal with both physically and emotionally. It’s good that he is in care 24/7 though. Looking forward to hearing about the kink – speaking of which we have a great festival in Montreal called Fetish Weekend starting last week of August this year through labour day weekend in case his interest expands yours 🙂 – thanks for following my artist’s page by the way, much appreciated.

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