Tag Archives: Heidi Klum

Smoke and Mirrors: The Only True Hollywood Couple

When my friends and I were kids, before the interwebs fed us knowledge, we had to fork over our hard-earned allowance for magazines.  We were obsessed with the goings on in Hollywood and we would walk a mile in the snow to the depanneur to get the latest Tiger Beat or Rona Barrett’s Gossip just to find out who Leif Garrett was boning.  I will never forget the utter disgust and disappointment when he was “romantically tied” to Kristy McNichol.  On what planet would that ever happen?  She wore overalls and looked like a boy! How could such a magnificent male specimen date Kristy McNichol when I was available?  Then when she hooked up with Matt Dillon, I began to suspect that Hollywood was trying to scam us. But when Leif and Nicolette Sheridan became an item, I gave up hope for myself but started to believe again if just for this one photo.  This made more sense, when this first appeared in Tiger Beat, I think I cried.  Now, I’m convinced there is actual penetration going on here:

In any given couple from the perspective of an outsider, there is usually someone who seems like the one who got lucky. In Hollywood, any discrepancy seems monumental. There is one who is better looking, richer, smarter, more charismatic, or more famous.  This is why Hollywood types stick together, not because they “understand each other”, it’s because when a big movie star marries a mere mortal, his or her stock goes down significantly.  They need each other to keep up the illusion.  Inevitably, a marriage of egos will implode because it’s exhausting putting on a show. I’ve watched the glitteratti crash and burn for decades and one thing I know for sure, nothing lasts forever.  And it’s better that way.  Keep it moving, spread the love, and the bodily fluids.

But they seemed so happy!  Don’t be fooled again, here are 3 current case studies analyzed by moi:

Seal and Heidi, Hollywood Breakup Case Study #1.  There was a major red flag right from the start. Seal proposed to Heidi when she was pregnant with Italian douche-a-bagga Flavio Briatore’s baby.  Some men actually fetishize pregnant women which makes sense why she had so many back-to-back Seal pups.  More likely Seal, like all modern men, has a Victoria Secret model fetish.  Let’s face it, if Heidi Klum was slinging pints of Heineken in a beer garden, dude wouldn’t have looked twice at her. I’ve seen her without makeup and she’s not all that. The fact that she was pregnant made her vulnerable enough to overlook the fact that dude is super scary looking.  And what if Seal didn’t sing sexy songs, instead he was Randy Newman?  There is no way she would put out for him. The biggest red flag of all was that they renewed their vows every year.  How tedious it must be for their friends and family, one wedding to endure is bad enough. And who over the age of 20 can handle a Halloween party?  Their elaborate annual costume parties was just another disguise or diversion, what were they really trying to hide?

Conclusion:  They say he has a “bad temper” and if that’s the case, who wouldn’t if you had all those children and all those weddings to parade around?  LOOK AT US AND HOW HAPPY AND FABULOUS WE ARE!  Smoke and mirrors.  Truly happy people don’t like to throw parties and wear makeup. They like to stay home and argue in their sweat pants. You know I’m right.

Case Study #2:  Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.  I know what everyone is saying:  “But they are such a cute couple, and they don’t live in Hollywood, how could they not stay together?”  And my answer here is a brutally honest no, there is nothing “cute” about these two.  They both look shockingly homeless and without le Photoshop, this woman is just not good.  Especially naked and unshowered on a farm in France. That “jolie-laide” thing doesn’t translate in Hollywood.  Le smoke et le miroir crackay.  There’s the inequality of  all the elements of the glitteratti at odds here:  Looks, money, charisma, and fame.  Duh. Don’t make me say it.

Conclusion: Johnny, call me.

And then there’s these two:

Dear Hollywood:  Stop the fawning. Remember if something seems to good to be true, it usually is. “Mirror, mirror on the wall” and a bunch of pot smoke is what we have here.  Case Study #3:  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  You don’t need me to tell you that The Brangelina is a ticking time bomb.  I can envision some time in the near future, she gathers enough strength from eating a breath mint and with her spindly, chicken-scrawl tattooed arms, she picks up a cast iron frying pan and whacks him over his dumb head.  His greasy hair makes the pan slide and creates only enough impact for him to come to his senses and have an Aha! moment:  Juliette Lewis!  She was the one that got away!

Conclusion:  Don’t get me started.

On on that note, I leave you with a clip of the ultimate Hollywood rebel, Jessica Lange as Frances Farmer, and a cautionary tale of what can happen if you don’t comply with rules of Hollywood:

This Post is Brought to You by the Letter “P”

I told y’all I’d keep you updated on the hula hooping…am going to call it hula Pooping, it really does wonders for the colon! I’m still at it, and I love it! I could go for hours if my feet didn’t fall asleep. I’ve also added a Pilates class to my regime which I know I’ve been dissing for many years. Like those stupid Pictures that supposedly have three-dimensional images hidden in them, I could never see because I have astigmatism, Poor me. Pilates was also out of my grasp because it engages all these tiny core muscles that I don’t have because they got ripped apart by carrying two eight Pound babies! Yes, blah, blah, blah Heidi Klum Prancing down a runway in lingerie while her Placenta was still warm. But some women actually split their abdominal muscles during Pregnancy and don’t even know it. And it’s a bitch to fuse them together, let me tell you. It’s been like 14 years and I just figured out what happened. It’s the teeny muscles that count, not the big hulking ones that you heave when you do a conventional sit up. Anyway, I knew my efforts were working when I was watching Family Guy last night. Most People would have cringed during that episode: Stewie and Brian locked in a bank vault for a weekend with nothing to eat except what was in Stewie’s diaper. Toilet humour, my favourite! I laughed so hard, I a) could feel the abdominal muscles, big AND teeny strain and b) lost Partial control of my bladder. What else is new, so what? I’ve given birth twice. Which reminds me of the very first joke that I remember that my brother told me when I was four years old:

Teacher: Johnny, could you Please come up in front of the class and recite the alphabet?

Johnny (why are all hapless children named Johnny?): Yes, Miss Johnson. A B C D E F G H I J K …(Pause for effect)..LMNO (all in one breath)……………(back to rhythm) Q R S T U V W X Y and Z!

Teacher: Why, Johnny, where’s the “P?”

Johnny: It’s running down my leg!

Oh how I laughed, back then, not knowing the joke would be on me many years later. And so I smile whenever I walk by the children’s bookstore, Ella Minnow, because it reminds me of that joke….oh, for God’s sakes, if you’re not getting it say it quick in one breath: ellaminow!

Ella Minnow Children’s Bookstore 1915 Queen Street East, books for children of all ages

This book store is amazing. It has a community board and story telling. As a bonus, it’s attached to Dufflet pastry shop but most importantly, you don’t have to be a kid to shop here. I, for myself, picked up Al Gore’s book “An Inconvenient Truth” adapted for a new generation. Believe me, I need this because my 16-year-old daughter is full of righteous indignation about all things environmental and always says when I forget to bring my bags to the grocery store: “Why haven’t you seen “An Inconvenient Truth” yet, Mother?” and I feel stupid when the only reason is that I have no respect for Al Gore because he is married to Tipper Gore…and I hate her because of that kerfuffle between her and Jello Biafra on the Oprah Show more than twenty years ago, all about censorship in music! I still love my Punk bands and so does my daughter, thank God I raised her right! And I have always loved books and I also Passed that along. The thing about books is that they expand the mind…if I could read while I hula hooped, then I would be Perfect!