When my friends and I were kids, before the interwebs fed us knowledge, we had to fork over our hard-earned allowance for magazines.  We were obsessed with the goings on in Hollywood and we would walk a mile in the snow to the depanneur to get the latest Tiger Beat or Rona Barrett’s Gossip just to find out who Leif Garrett was boning.  I will never forget the utter disgust and disappointment when he was “romantically tied” to Kristy McNichol.  On what planet would that ever happen?  She wore overalls and looked like a boy! How could such a magnificent male specimen date Kristy McNichol when I was available?  Then when she hooked up with Matt Dillon, I began to suspect that Hollywood was trying to scam us. But when Leif and Nicolette Sheridan became an item, I gave up hope for myself but started to believe again if just for this one photo.  This made more sense, when this first appeared in Tiger Beat, I think I cried.  Now, I’m convinced there is actual penetration going on here:

In any given couple from the perspective of an outsider, there is usually someone who seems like the one who got lucky. In Hollywood, any discrepancy seems monumental. There is one who is better looking, richer, smarter, more charismatic, or more famous.  This is why Hollywood types stick together, not because they “understand each other”, it’s because when a big movie star marries a mere mortal, his or her stock goes down significantly.  They need each other to keep up the illusion.  Inevitably, a marriage of egos will implode because it’s exhausting putting on a show. I’ve watched the glitteratti crash and burn for decades and one thing I know for sure, nothing lasts forever.  And it’s better that way.  Keep it moving, spread the love, and the bodily fluids.

But they seemed so happy!  Don’t be fooled again, here are 3 current case studies analyzed by moi:

Seal and Heidi, Hollywood Breakup Case Study #1.  There was a major red flag right from the start. Seal proposed to Heidi when she was pregnant with Italian douche-a-bagga Flavio Briatore’s baby.  Some men actually fetishize pregnant women which makes sense why she had so many back-to-back Seal pups.  More likely Seal, like all modern men, has a Victoria Secret model fetish.  Let’s face it, if Heidi Klum was slinging pints of Heineken in a beer garden, dude wouldn’t have looked twice at her. I’ve seen her without makeup and she’s not all that. The fact that she was pregnant made her vulnerable enough to overlook the fact that dude is super scary looking.  And what if Seal didn’t sing sexy songs, instead he was Randy Newman?  There is no way she would put out for him. The biggest red flag of all was that they renewed their vows every year.  How tedious it must be for their friends and family, one wedding to endure is bad enough. And who over the age of 20 can handle a Halloween party?  Their elaborate annual costume parties was just another disguise or diversion, what were they really trying to hide?

Conclusion:  They say he has a “bad temper” and if that’s the case, who wouldn’t if you had all those children and all those weddings to parade around?  LOOK AT US AND HOW HAPPY AND FABULOUS WE ARE!  Smoke and mirrors.  Truly happy people don’t like to throw parties and wear makeup. They like to stay home and argue in their sweat pants. You know I’m right.

Case Study #2:  Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.  I know what everyone is saying:  “But they are such a cute couple, and they don’t live in Hollywood, how could they not stay together?”  And my answer here is a brutally honest no, there is nothing “cute” about these two.  They both look shockingly homeless and without le Photoshop, this woman is just not good.  Especially naked and unshowered on a farm in France. That “jolie-laide” thing doesn’t translate in Hollywood.  Le smoke et le miroir crackay.  There’s the inequality of  all the elements of the glitteratti at odds here:  Looks, money, charisma, and fame.  Duh. Don’t make me say it.

Conclusion: Johnny, call me.

And then there’s these two:

Dear Hollywood:  Stop the fawning. Remember if something seems to good to be true, it usually is. “Mirror, mirror on the wall” and a bunch of pot smoke is what we have here.  Case Study #3:  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  You don’t need me to tell you that The Brangelina is a ticking time bomb.  I can envision some time in the near future, she gathers enough strength from eating a breath mint and with her spindly, chicken-scrawl tattooed arms, she picks up a cast iron frying pan and whacks him over his dumb head.  His greasy hair makes the pan slide and creates only enough impact for him to come to his senses and have an Aha! moment:  Juliette Lewis!  She was the one that got away!

Conclusion:  Don’t get me started.

On on that note, I leave you with a clip of the ultimate Hollywood rebel, Jessica Lange as Frances Farmer, and a cautionary tale of what can happen if you don’t comply with rules of Hollywood: