Tag Archives: An Inconvenient Truth

My Car, My Self (Fox in Box)

 

         She parks in beauty, in the parking lot

          I can find her anywhere

          Because she is a box

          And everybody else has a BMW

It doesn’t rhyme but who cares, poetry is poetry.  Today I am inspired because I heard two funny car stories that I wish to share before I blather on with my thoughts on water consumption.  First story:  there was a realtor tale about a lady who knows a lady (no seriously, I know the lady and it was in the ladies locker room so it must be true)…anyway the lady-realtor took these clients out to show some houses IN HER BRAND NEW BMW and her clients were not so jazzed by what she showed them but they asked the realtor if they could make a pit stop: “Do you mind if we pick something up before you drop us off at home?”  Not at all, the realtor agreed.  The clients came back with a Christmas Tree!  She drove them home and never heard from them again….she picked needles out one by one, but her car was pine fresh for years afterwards!  She never told her husband.

Second story:  I am at my third laser hair removal session this afternoon….in goggles and hacking up a storm is the technician with the laser gun, zip zip zapping away, telling me the story of her weekend (it’s Wednesday) and how she just came back from Vegas yesterday and she hadn’t slept the whole time…..zip zip zapppp (I could feel it in the base of my skull!) and she is only at my toes.  She says:  “At one point we were drinking in the elevator at 9 in the morning and we ran into this guy who wanted to shoot his gun in the desert so we went in his Hummer and he had $5000 of ammo so we thought we should text my brother his license plate in case he was a murderer so when we looked at his car the plate said: PSKOTIC!”  Oh how she laughed, zip zapp zapping her gun up my leg ….Seriously, whatever happens in Vegas should stay there because it’s not so funny when you are stone cold sober and all you are wearing is a towel and a Marie Claire magazine.  And she was chewing an OXO cube as a lozenge because it was the only thing that would soothe her throat.  I guess I was in Vegas by proxy and I shouldn’t have shared that but you know me.

Back to my other Box:

So, I’ve been reading that kiddie version of  “An Inconvenient Truth” from the last post…okay, I’m looking at the pictures…but water, water water!  I think it’s best to conserve it.  It’s Spring and you and your hose are spraying everything….try not to think of it as an extension of your penis.  Do you know it’s actually more eco-friendly to visit a car wash?  I like the one at Leslie and Eastern, it’s got a Subway attached!  If that’s not a big phallic fantasy, I don’t know what is!

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This Post is Brought to You by the Letter “P”

I told y’all I’d keep you updated on the hula hooping…am going to call it hula Pooping, it really does wonders for the colon! I’m still at it, and I love it! I could go for hours if my feet didn’t fall asleep. I’ve also added a Pilates class to my regime which I know I’ve been dissing for many years. Like those stupid Pictures that supposedly have three-dimensional images hidden in them, I could never see because I have astigmatism, Poor me. Pilates was also out of my grasp because it engages all these tiny core muscles that I don’t have because they got ripped apart by carrying two eight Pound babies! Yes, blah, blah, blah Heidi Klum Prancing down a runway in lingerie while her Placenta was still warm. But some women actually split their abdominal muscles during Pregnancy and don’t even know it. And it’s a bitch to fuse them together, let me tell you. It’s been like 14 years and I just figured out what happened. It’s the teeny muscles that count, not the big hulking ones that you heave when you do a conventional sit up. Anyway, I knew my efforts were working when I was watching Family Guy last night. Most People would have cringed during that episode: Stewie and Brian locked in a bank vault for a weekend with nothing to eat except what was in Stewie’s diaper. Toilet humour, my favourite! I laughed so hard, I a) could feel the abdominal muscles, big AND teeny strain and b) lost Partial control of my bladder. What else is new, so what? I’ve given birth twice. Which reminds me of the very first joke that I remember that my brother told me when I was four years old:

Teacher: Johnny, could you Please come up in front of the class and recite the alphabet?

Johnny (why are all hapless children named Johnny?): Yes, Miss Johnson. A B C D E F G H I J K …(Pause for effect)..LMNO (all in one breath)……………(back to rhythm) Q R S T U V W X Y and Z!

Teacher: Why, Johnny, where’s the “P?”

Johnny: It’s running down my leg!

Oh how I laughed, back then, not knowing the joke would be on me many years later. And so I smile whenever I walk by the children’s bookstore, Ella Minnow, because it reminds me of that joke….oh, for God’s sakes, if you’re not getting it say it quick in one breath: ellaminow!

Ella Minnow Children’s Bookstore 1915 Queen Street East, books for children of all ages

This book store is amazing. It has a community board and story telling. As a bonus, it’s attached to Dufflet pastry shop but most importantly, you don’t have to be a kid to shop here. I, for myself, picked up Al Gore’s book “An Inconvenient Truth” adapted for a new generation. Believe me, I need this because my 16-year-old daughter is full of righteous indignation about all things environmental and always says when I forget to bring my bags to the grocery store: “Why haven’t you seen “An Inconvenient Truth” yet, Mother?” and I feel stupid when the only reason is that I have no respect for Al Gore because he is married to Tipper Gore…and I hate her because of that kerfuffle between her and Jello Biafra on the Oprah Show more than twenty years ago, all about censorship in music! I still love my Punk bands and so does my daughter, thank God I raised her right! And I have always loved books and I also Passed that along. The thing about books is that they expand the mind…if I could read while I hula hooped, then I would be Perfect!