A Fearless Vampire Killer

Summer is here and check me out!  Here I am, the end of Grade 6, all youthful exuberance, not a care in the world, a pool in my backyard, popsicles in the freezer, a menstrual period a whole year away.  I had a diary back then, one that I kept hidden in a cigar box but now I have a blog that I post on the internet for everyone to see.  Here are some entries from my 12 year old self (I am sure she would be mortified):

“I stayed up and watched The Fearless Vampire Killers.  I can’t believe that Roman Polanski was married to Sharon Tate and that she is murdered in real life.  I am keeping my window shut anyway because there was a praying mantis in the hallway when I went to bed and it scary.”

“I shaved my legs but it turned out bad. I scraped my shin and it bled like crazy and mom told me I should have used soap but she says she doesn’t need to shave her legs but I think not. There are some hairs that she doesn’t see.”

“I saw Tommy at a drive-in in Cape Cod. I love Roger Daltrey but I think he is too old.  He is with a band called The Who. We also saw LeMans for the first attraction. It had Steve McQueen but I think he looks like Paul Newman. He is old but handsome, like Dick Van Dyke.”

“Fonebone and I picked blackberries all morning in the orchard and my brother made us pick him a bunch which he wolfed down in two bites and then he went golfing.  We told stories on the swing and made up one about a boy named Johnny who had a magic penis (editors note: the rest of that story is so gross that it inspired The Human Centipede). Last year we used to lie down on opposite pillows and hold our feet in the air.  But Fone had a giant plantar wart the size of her heel and blue and busting with blood that I was worried it would come back that I kept my feet on the ground and did all the swinging.  That wart was contagious and everyone got it. My brother dug his out with a pocketknife but Fone and I had to go to the hospital and Magic Tom gave her all the attention because hers was bigger and she had to be on crutches. I think Magic Tom is stupid. He wears makeup in real life.”

“My sister brought a guy home on a motorcycle.  She says he is her friend, not boyfriend but I think he loves her.  He seemed shocked when she said she was going on a trip to Europe.  He writes poetry and brought a magazine that his poem was in, called “New York Chick, Slick.”  Fone is at camp but Teeny and I each got a ride on the motorcycle.  It is a Norton.  He has a bald spot in his afro that I don’t think anyone else would notice unless the wind was blowing.  Teeny liked the ride more than I did. His poem is really good though. I`ve read it a few times and I think it was about someone he was in love with before he became a draft dodger.”

“Teeny told me that she crosses her legs and when she swings her feet she can get an orgasm. I asked her what that was and she says it is because she is a year older and has her period. She does it alot and says if you sneeze, it happens faster.  I tried but I don’t know how to fake a sneeze.”

`We got new jeans for school so we are soaking them in the pool so they fit right.  I like diving in and catching them and putting them on under water just to see how long I can hold my breath. I`m scared to go school, I can’t believe summer is almost over.”

Yes, so that was then and this is now, and I would pretty much say that nubile pre-wench taught me everything I need to know now:   Lock your doors, open your heart, be careful, keep your eyes open, swing your legs, and be aware, be very aware, because these days are fleeting.  And don’t worry about vampires because they don’t like sun.

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