“If your dog has weird unsightly nipples, it’s OK to throw 3 or 4 little bras on it.” @robdelaney via Twitter
This is a touching little anecdote about my dog, Betty, which I think is perfect for Mother’s Day. By the way, gentle reminder: It’s this coming Sunday, children, so go and empty piggy banks and get ye to a flower shoppe and the chicken place. To preface the story, Betty is our beloved pet who we call our fallen angel because she has little white tufts of fur on her back like wings that were ripped off by the body guards in Heaven. For sure they kicked her out for urinating on the clouds and leaving little turd nuggets behind the harps and being just a general all around asshole to the other dog angels. Here on our earthly patch of foursquare called “Chez Betty,” we adore and obsess over her. My kids and I take turns taking her out for walks and we all hate it. In the house she is a sweet, loving, little snuggle bunny but as soon as she walks out the door, she becomes a demonic frothing-at-the-mouth maniac. She pulls on her leash, eats garbage, chases cats and squirrels, and barks furiously at skateboarders. When she encounters another dog, she dive bombs for its anus, and before she barely takes a sniff, she passes judgment. Her hackles go up, she snarls, and then pounces. And we have to drag her away. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING: GET THIS DOG TRAINED! *sigh* This beast doesn’t need a dog whisperer, she needs a team of Navy Seals to whip her into civility. Anyway I am beginning to think we are a family of enablers who secretly enjoy the attention she brings on us.
Yesterday afternoon I was walking her and we just turned around the corner of Starbucks to head up the street I could see a big giant white shepherd-style dog strolling casually towards us with her owner. I could call it a female from that far away because she had six dangling giant pink nipples swaying from her belly. The dog was also off leash so this potential encounter could go anywhere. I was excited as we approached each other. Betty on the other hand was pretending to ignore her by sniffing some phantom chicken wing on the sidewalk. Classic Betty, when the dog is bigger than her (most of them are) she often waits for them to pass before she attacks. But this dog was cool as a cucumber and her owner, a cowboy, was equally cavalier. When we got close, he nodded his head at me and tapped his hat and said “Howdy.” His dog stopped right in front of Betty. Betty looked up and hesitated. Gingerly she walked up to the dog and who remained still, she seemed to be smiling. Betty didn’t growl at her, instead she sniffed one of her dangleberry titlets with her tail wagging in circles like a helicopter! The mother dog stood patiently as Betty licked one of her titsicles. I was frozen with amazement. Maybe all Betty needs is her mommy to keep her in line! I looked up at the Cowboy, who winked at me and said, “You got a nice set, too.”
Best Mother’s Day present ever.
What I said when I read the end of this post: ” HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU KRISTEN!!!!!”