It’s so funny to listen to a bunch of ladies talk in the locker room the week before Christmas. Somebody needs to make a Shit Locas Say viral video:

“Are you ready for Christmas?”

“Liam is bringing his girlfriend from Waterloo. We sold his bunk bed on Craigslist…”

“…real eggnog has raw eggs so I get the one Loblaws, they have a low-fat version, but what the heck, it’s only once a year…”

“Rum! Don’t get me started!”

“…I’m allergic to wool. Except cashmere. I can wear it even without a body slimmer.”

“New Year’s in Whistler, although Jeff’s mother is in Boca so we might fly down for a couple of days if Sharon and Mike are at their time-share in St. Barts…”

“Do these black hose make me look like an Italian widow?”

The other day, one of these ladies actually asked me if I was “ready for Christmas.” Aside from stretching out my stomach by eating an entire wreath made out of nuts and caramel and drinking a half a bottle of Gibson’s Finest Sterling Whisky to beef up my alcohol tolerance, I could say I have done Sweet F-All to prepare for the big day. To placate her, I told her I have “organized my thoughts” and she laughed: “Well that’s a good start!”

What the hell is she talking about? Why does everyone get all in a frenzy about Christmas? It’s supposed happy and fun. Don’t get me wrong, shopping is a huge stress especially if you are on a budget but my strategy is to create diversions, aka. cheaper alternatives that will make your Christmas special. I have some ideas that I will share AS MY GIFT TO YOU:

Christmas cards are expensive and so is postage. I have only received two this year, one from Rona (with a 10 percent off gift card on my next purchases for my next installation project over $3,000. Thanks, Rona, for the conditional good wishes), and my accountant’s office which is sweet. They have seen me cry. And so has my divorce lawyer but so far no card yet…if you’re reading this Ms C, let’s go for a holiday drink over orgy week! For the rest of us not drumming up business and who have not had the where-with-all to get the cards, find a pen, find a pen that works, write in the cards, find your address book, write the addresses on the envelopes, shlep to the post office, buy stamps, put the stamps on the cards, and mail them out (and we wonder why we are fatter than ever), why not make a custom e-card? Make your own meme, like the “Bitch,Please” one of Betty above. Click here and get creative. Oh, and I know it’s 2011 and still 80% percent of you don’t know what a meme is…I just can’t explain it without going on about how funny LOL Cats are, click here for the definition.

The meme’s slutty sister, the Gif, would also make an awesome e-card. Here is mine:

THERE’S NO PREZZIES UNDER THE TREE!

Moving on: The best part of Christmas is the eating and the drinking. Please ignore any advice you see on tv or the newspaper on how to keep from gaining weight over the holidays. Fuck that. People hate you when you are “dieting” and y’all know it. They don’t put on a spread and sweat over how much booze to buy just so you can twirl around their living room with your belt all buckled in non-stretch jeans while you suck on a celery stalk, you sanctimonious bitch. Just shut up about how fat you might get and eat. Here’s a little tip to if you’re going to be all calorie-phobic: Leave your car at home and walk everywhere. My friend lives across a hilly cemetery and on top of a cliff and I run though (scared of ghosts!) and climb to get there in order to enjoy the delicious meals she makes, and nobody makes a better roast beef feast. Sometimes I feel like vomiting after my trek but I don’t, that would be cheating. Fattening food is part and parcel of the season. You don’t even need a car. Food is fuel, like you know how when you go to people’s homes over the holidays and they serve those balls of Boursin cheese? A few little smears of that on a cracker and you have enough gastric explosives that you get home by using your colon as a rocket pack. Those potent little cheese balls put the arse in arsenal. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it, North Korea.

Which brings me to this idea: Why not create a culinary diversion this year by making your own cheese? It’s not that hard. I am so into this. And the fact that you made it yourself will make you look like the lovechild of Jesus and Martha Stewart. Here is how:

By poor planning and laziness, I ended up getting a tree way too late. Instead of getting the usual stream-lined Frasier Fir that takes up minimal space, I wound up with a monstrous, furry Scotch Pine that takes up the entire fitness area of the living room. You know what I mean when I say “fitness area,” it’s the only space in the entire house where you can lay down flat on your back with your yoga mat and practise “plow” aka. Queefing Manatee in private. This tree puts Vegas back into Christmas even with those shitty LED lights. It is gorgeous. I am in love with this tree. Although it makes me sneeze like crazy, it adds to its breathtaking and sensory beauty. I’m never going to get a tiny tree again. Talk about a diversion, nobody will notice if there are no presents and that half of your decorations are actually from Halloween. Go big or go home….ACHOOOO (6 times)…is all I have to say about that.

And finally, don’t forget to treat yourself! I had the pleasure of going to a small Christmas party where the husband of the hostess invited a reflexologist to give us all 15 minute foot massages as a gift. It was the first time I’ve had reflexology and I am a fan. I even like it better than massage, you don’t have to get naked and lay face down on a bed and worry if your tits are flying out of your armpits and then have that greasy walk of shame to put your bra back on. No nudity, it’s feet only! I’ve got myself booked for an entire hour!

And I leave you with the second episode of Shit Girls Say and a wish for a very Happy Holiday and an awesome orgy week (call me!):