Tag Archives: Orgy Week

29

Dec. ’11

Gretzky Twitter Family Photos

I can’t get enough of this!  The Gretzky Family Christmas card! It’s my screen saver.  It’s like Vanity Fair meets  Awkward Family Photos all riddled with the sub-text of dysfunctional family issues. No one is actually smiling, the mama is really just showing her teeth, the way mamas do when they are about to bark out an order. The glum little one in the middle is the star of the show, a world-weary 8 year-old whose expression seems to say:  “Beautiful people have problems, too.”  Lol.

Like most Canadians, I have an affinity to Wayne Gretzky.  I think of him as an older brother because he reminds me of my own. The Golden Child archetype who has to carry the all the hopes and dreams of the rest family in his shoulders. I could never have sibling rivalry with my brother, The Other Great One, as I am completely content living in a shadow. In fact, because I was born way behind the rest of the lot, I always felt like a pet which was awesome. More Milkbones for me!

Anyway, this photo was on the cover of the Toronto Star today with an actual article that went along with it. Paulina Gretzky, the oldest daughter, tweeted it out and then it got REMOVED FROM TWITTER!  Media brouhaha ensued! They are like the Khardashians!  A family of pimps and hos, exploiting themselves for fame and…more fame. And now that it is removed from The Twitter and the bottom-feeding bloggers are posting it, it is a news story. They accuse Paulina of being a Twitter slut. And I am in love with her. She has the untrammeled mojo of  a woman twice her age.  Imagine what she’ll be like when she’s in her cougar years. I bow to her to Greatness. I am following her Twitter and maybe I’ll learn a thing or two.  Buzzkill Wayne made her to close her account in November for a nano second so in case it happens again, luckily there is a gallery of her best Instagrams that you can click on here.

And aside from that, we are on Day Four of Orgy Week and I am hell-bent by this time next year, “#orgyweek” will be a hashtag on Twitter and part of the popular vernacular in general.  In case you are new to this blog, Orgy Week is the week between Christmas and New Years where you do what you want, not what you think you should do.  You would be surprised how much you learn about yourself when you let yourself “be.”  My revelations so far: I am a hermit!  I actually like cole slaw!

And speaking of dysfunction families, Evangeline and I went to see “The Descendants” which made me cry. I like crying, I’m always on the verge anyway.  All is not what it seems from the outside, as George Clooney says in the beginning:

“My friends think just because we live in Hawaii, we live in paradise.  We’re all just out here sipping Mai Tai’s, shaking our hips, and catching waves.  They say we are immune to life.  How could they possibly think our families are less screwed up…our heartaches less painful?”

Maybe it’s the same with the Gretzkys.  Maybe Paulina’s Twitter account is just a cry for help, that kind of hunger for attention is destined for doom. The need for validation is a bottomless pit when you are seeking it from outside yourself.  All that having to suck your stomach in to take a headless shot of yourself in a bikini in a mirror from a hotel room is really kind of pathetic….no, it’s awesome, who am I kidding? That’s just the Orgy Week Cheetos talking.

3 more sleeps and Orgy Week is over, thank God.  I think too much the rest of year and now I am over-thinking everything.  Also I need to put on some lipstick. Soon things will be normal, N*O*R*M*A*L!  Until then, here’s the trailer to ‘The Descendants,” go see it:

Draft
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27

Dec. ’11

7 Days of Orgy Week

I told you I did not make this up.  I’m not sure Whit Stlllman made it up either when making “Metropolitain” but I’m telling you, it exists:  The week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is called “Orgy Week” and it is _bar none_ the greatest week of the year.  Today is the day after Christmas, some of you are Boxing Day shopping, others are cleaning up while the rest of you are “going for a walk” just to get out of the house and sneak a cigarette.  Clearly you all need some help.

When it comes to “Orgy Week,” if you are at a loss as to what to do, just think of what it is you want to do.  Most of you are probably thinking:  WWCD? (What Would Caligula Do?)  But don’t fret, you don’t have to run to salon and get waxed, that is extreme orgy.  Personally, on Day One (Boxing Day) while some of you were trolling the aisles of the malls, all sweaty in your winter coats, carrying bags of crap, praying for a meteor to hit, I was in my pyjamas.  All day!  I shopped on-line!  I don’t care what anyone says, it’s cheaper to shop on-line because you focus on what you want, not the extra crap that catches your eye when you are at the check-out.  All the stores have on-line shopping and you don’t even have to travel to other cities to get there.  Simons, the coveted department store in Montreal, has on-line shopping and Boxing Day sales, check it out here.  I spent the morning perusing, while drinking mimomas.  And then I watched my Boxing Day traditional movie, Metropolitian, while drinking straight champagne. GIF prooof:

Then I ate a box of crackers. And a wedge of gorgonzola. And some chocolate.

Freddy, also in his pyjamas, ate two McCains Delissio Rising Crust pizzas. Caligula in training.

I couldn’t even finish writing this post yesterday, I sugar-crashed mid-afternoon.  Somewhere in the haze, I watched Jane Eyre with Evangeline which actually gave me nightmares last night.  I was Rochester’s crazy wife, locked up in a room without tv or interwebs.  And I woke up with the intense urge to go to Walmart and stock up on toilet paper and toothpaste.  It is orgy week after all, 6 more days to go!

I’m going to check in with you later this week and see how y’all are managing.  Right now I’m going to get some proper air. I will leave you with this, my favourite YouTube video of the year.  If Tim the Tambourine Man doesn’t make you happy, no one will:

 

 

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30

Dec. ’10

How I Spent Orgy Week

Her girth squeezed into a festive garland necklace, Betty lords over the couch during Orgy Week

It’s Orgy Week, that week celebrated by international bon vivants everywhere which begins on Boxing Day and ends on New Year`s Day.  Eat.  Drink.  Be Merry.  Two Four Seven.  Hedonism for that long with such intensity isn`t for everyone, dishes need to be done, laundry washed, the fat dog walked.  I do my best though.  Wednesday, being Hump Day during orgy week, I have been focusing on doing some Amish chores that I have been putting off for months, but as a twist, I have been doing them laying down.  I organized my cell phone contacts, in bed while watching The View.  Then I did some sewing (ie. inserting an elastic in a pair of sweat pants) while perusing my favourite celebrity websites.  Look up “debauchery” in the dictionary and find my picture knitting up a poncho on a couch with a fat dog on my lap. I drank some eggnog spiked with Appleton Estate Rum early in the week but it makes fuzz on the upper lip that I keep having to lick off so now I am chapped.  I am now drinking booze from a straw which makes it go down quicker and faster.  I am pretty much ready for a detox to retox, as they say at Body Blitz Spa.  Otherwise known as “the waters,” this is a women’s only spa modeled after bath houses in Europe and has a large salt water pool with waterfalls, sauna, steam, green tea bath, and an ice-cold plunge.  You can book extra body treatments like massages, scrubs, check out their website here.  You have the choice to be naked or wear a bathing suit.  I’ve done both.   Ironically I wear a bathing suit when I’m feeling all hot MILF-y but forget about it when I’m GWM (Great White Manatee), then I can’t be confined in the stretchiest fabric.  I am a proper water nymph, so European, I tell myself.  Body Blitz is the perfect place to go in the middle of Orgy Week, it takes the jangle out of your nerves and makes your skin soft and then you sleep like a baby, only not so innocent.

One thing about my Orgy Week that has remained a constant for 20 years is that I start it off by watching Whit Stillman’s “Metropolitan.”  In fact the term “Orgy Week” is defined here.  It’s from 1990 and a pretty obscure film but I have seen it more than 20 times and it`s my mission to help make it as popular a holiday movie as Ìt`s A Wonderful Life.  PBS used to play it on Boxing Day and then I had to find my own VHS copy and then more recently a DVD which has all the commentary.  It’s Jane Austen and Brian the Dog from Family Guy wrote a screenplay,  this is what you might get:

Happy Orgy Week To All!  Keep it real!

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