Tag Archives: wagjag

Botox This

No, I’m not angry, I was born this way

Last year I had my first Botox injection:  30 units pumped straight into the trenches of my forehead.  I grappled with the decision for years before actually getting it.  I have wacky vision and I furrow my brows alot and on top of it all, I have a macabre scar that runs between my two eyebrows from jumping on my bed and faceplanting on the headboard.  I was four, my oldest sister dumped me in the bathtub and let me bleed furiously while she watched “Love of Life” until my mother came home.  I am grateful she didn’t try and stitch me up because things could have been worse.  So with the horizontal scar and the vertical furrow lines, my forehead was a multi-purpose gameboard, you could play tic tac toe, hangman, or harvest some crops if you couldn’t log into Farmville.  When I was a teenager I used to tape my forehead at night so things wouldn’t get worse.  But the creases deepened and by the time I was in my twenties, people thought I was angry all the time.  Random men would say: “Why are you so mad?  Smile!”  STFU, I would grit my teeth.  Bangs were the answer.  Then Botox came on the scene and I knew I wanted it.  But it seemed really scary and anytime I would chirp about it, someone would inevitably say:  “Don’t you know that it’s poison, POISON!!!  It’s made out of botulinum toxin, you will die a slow death!!  And look like a duck while you’re doing it!”  First of all, I am going to die a slow death without Botox and look angry while doing it, and secondly, and most importantly, Botox does not make you look like a duck, the fillers do.  Botox just relaxes the muscles, okay, paralyzes the muscles and then they gradually over time go into atrophy, the same as your ass does when you watch too many soap operas.  My only fear was that the injection would affect my ajna chokra, you know the third eye that is the centre of your intuition.  What if I lost all instincts and started dating men who advertised on Craigslist?   Nurse D assured not only would my chokra be intact, it would be running on overdrive, all that furrowing was actually blocking it.  Nurse D also said she could fix my one eyebrow that arches too much, but I said no, it is what makes me look clever.  So the needle went in and I never looked back.  A year later, the verticle lines have softened, I don’t squint anymore when I read {less headaches!)…seriously this shit should be on OHIP.  So last week, wagjag had an offer for 20 units of Botox for $79 from Skin Vitality at 11 Yorkville.   I jumped on it, a little nervous about discount Botox but it turned out great, my brow muscle is losing its furious furrow but you can still tell when I am truly pissed at something, which is good because I don’t want to be perceived as a pushover.  Just don’t try and upsell me on the fillers…yet.

Stay Fierce!

My little sea monkey

It’s one week into the New Year and do you know what your colon looks like right now?  I wasn’t so sure until I met this lady in the locker room at the gym who told me that I may have “little living organisms inside.”  According to her, these little beings make you crave sugar.  She explained her theory to me as she undressed and at one point she grabbed her massive gelatinous belly (she won’t read this) and twisted it around and said in despair: ” And they won’t die!  I’ve stopped feeding them wheat and dairy and they still keep growing!”  I didn’t know whether to laugh or be horrified and worry about my own innards.  I pictured the organisms to be like those Sea Monkeys in the back of the comics.  Only my Sea Monkeys weren’t like the ones sitting around playing cards, mine were drunk and angry, they probably looked something like this:

I’m not so sure I want to kill them as they are so cute but maybe I can work them, not feed them so much booze, clear out the white carbs, give them some green tea and antioxidants.  Austerity is not so hard when you are focused on a goal.  As a diversion from all this colon housekeeping, I made an appointment to get my teeth bleached at Glow Tanning Bar & Body Lounge at 9 Isabella.  They use a system called wavelight, check it out here, which is cheaper than the dentist and only took 40 minutes.  Basically you lay under a blue lamp with a mouthguard full of bleaching gel.  Here I am in full meditation mode:

The results vary depending on your enamel, mine came out Benajamin Moore “Cloud White” which is good enough.  Best of all I got this session though dealfind.com for 40 bucks.  In case you are not in the know, dealfind.com sends you a deal of the day and it goes up for grabs for a certain time period.  Check out Living Social, and wagjag for similar deals.  Stay tuned next week for discount Botox!  In the meantime, keep up with your resolutions, stay fierce!!!  And speaking of “fierce”, please check out my righteous teenage daughter’s band Nikki Fierce on myspace…their new song is called “City Water”, click here for the link