Monthly Archives: December 2010

30

Dec. ’10

How I Spent Orgy Week

Her girth squeezed into a festive garland necklace, Betty lords over the couch during Orgy Week

It’s Orgy Week, that week celebrated by international bon vivants everywhere which begins on Boxing Day and ends on New Year`s Day.  Eat.  Drink.  Be Merry.  Two Four Seven.  Hedonism for that long with such intensity isn`t for everyone, dishes need to be done, laundry washed, the fat dog walked.  I do my best though.  Wednesday, being Hump Day during orgy week, I have been focusing on doing some Amish chores that I have been putting off for months, but as a twist, I have been doing them laying down.  I organized my cell phone contacts, in bed while watching The View.  Then I did some sewing (ie. inserting an elastic in a pair of sweat pants) while perusing my favourite celebrity websites.  Look up “debauchery” in the dictionary and find my picture knitting up a poncho on a couch with a fat dog on my lap. I drank some eggnog spiked with Appleton Estate Rum early in the week but it makes fuzz on the upper lip that I keep having to lick off so now I am chapped.  I am now drinking booze from a straw which makes it go down quicker and faster.  I am pretty much ready for a detox to retox, as they say at Body Blitz Spa.  Otherwise known as “the waters,” this is a women’s only spa modeled after bath houses in Europe and has a large salt water pool with waterfalls, sauna, steam, green tea bath, and an ice-cold plunge.  You can book extra body treatments like massages, scrubs, check out their website here.  You have the choice to be naked or wear a bathing suit.  I’ve done both.   Ironically I wear a bathing suit when I’m feeling all hot MILF-y but forget about it when I’m GWM (Great White Manatee), then I can’t be confined in the stretchiest fabric.  I am a proper water nymph, so European, I tell myself.  Body Blitz is the perfect place to go in the middle of Orgy Week, it takes the jangle out of your nerves and makes your skin soft and then you sleep like a baby, only not so innocent.

One thing about my Orgy Week that has remained a constant for 20 years is that I start it off by watching Whit Stillman’s “Metropolitan.”  In fact the term “Orgy Week” is defined here.  It’s from 1990 and a pretty obscure film but I have seen it more than 20 times and it`s my mission to help make it as popular a holiday movie as Ìt`s A Wonderful Life.  PBS used to play it on Boxing Day and then I had to find my own VHS copy and then more recently a DVD which has all the commentary.  It’s Jane Austen and Brian the Dog from Family Guy wrote a screenplay,  this is what you might get:

Happy Orgy Week To All!  Keep it real!

Posted by . Categories: Hanging Around. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

21

Dec. ’10

The Good Hangover

Tom Berenger in Platoon is like the hangover doula:  Take the pain!

Santa has a list so he can remember who’s been good and who’s been naughty.  The reason why he gives most of his presents to kids is because they don’t have a tendency to get drunk and act like idiots at Christmas parties.  That is naughty.  Tis the season to have a jolly good time and some bad behaviour, that’s what Jesus would do.  I’m always amused by how magazines, newspapers, and talk shows feature ways to stay “good” during the holidays.  Today, Kelly told Regis that in order not to overeat at parties, you *pretend* you’ve already eaten:  “It works!”  This is where it pays to be blond.  I’m going to *pretend* I didn’t hear that and get back to business on the melted Brie wheel.  And then there are always tips on how to prevent a hangover.  Prevention is for amateurs, I say.  A hangover is part and parcel of a rocking good time.  Take the pain.  Embrace your hangover, and then feed it.

Yesterday I had a bad hangover because I had a rocking good time at my neighbours’ Christmas party.  I woke up and my knees couldn’t bend.  This was probably because I was wearing 4 inch high heels (good) and bush squatting (bad).  The list of other wretchedness included:  dehydration, starvation, headache, disorientation, and missing sequins.  I had neglected all the prevention tips, like drinking water and sticking to one type of beverage, liquor before beer, never fear, etc.  I know every hangover has a personality and has to be dealt with some sort of grease chaser and yesterday my hankering was dim sum.  Problem is that dim sum is a group activity and I was in no condition to carry on a conversation.  If I was civilized, I would have gone to Dynasty, which is dim sum heaven, they opened up a new location in Yorkville on Saturday.  Check out their website here.  Instead, I went to T & T Supermarket on Cherry, south of Commissioners, and got two plates of takeout dim sum.  One for me and another for me in case things went awry.  But all went well, washed down with an icy cold Coca Cola, each dumpling slid down like a slippery sleigh ride down colon mountain.  The perfect hangover, I`m sure Santa would approve.

Shrimp dumplings at Dynasty, 69 Yorkville Avenue

Posted by . Categories: Do This Not That, Handy Hints. Tags: , , , , . 2 Comments

15

Dec. ’10

Shop Til You Have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Praying Angel Wall Art on Shuter, 2 blocks east of the Eaton Centre

Thankfully my son doesn`t read my blog so I can talk about him while he sits up in his room playing Pokemon Revenge for hours on end.  I know what you are thinking:  “Foolish woman, she thinks her teenage son is “playing Pokemon” alone in his room, yeah right!”  Believe me, I wish he were watching porn, then the odds would be better that he moves out the house before he is 30.  He also plays the ukulele.  And sings.  He is bilingual as well:  English and Caveman.  Caveman is pretty cryptic, but I can still understand it from my teenhood:  One grunt (Humh) means “yes” and two grunts (Humh mhum) means “I don’t know” which could mean yes or no.  Sometimes with teenagers “no” means “yes” because when you ask them if they want a grilled cheese sandwich, they might grunt out negatively but when they see you with yours, they say: “Where’s mine, Mother?” and then their diction is perfect.  To add even more confusion, I asked Freddy what he wanted for Christmas and he said:  “Ham and cheese.”  I know what you’re thinking:  “Foolish woman, he is probably smoking salvia up on his deck and he is so stoned that he wants food for Christmas.”  Believe me, I wish he was smoking salvia, then I could buy him a real fancy bong with a matching lighter in his stocking.  Like seriously, a 14 year old man-cub is probably the worst person to shop for so he is just getting more of what he already has: socks and underwear.  Let’s explore the world of flannel and fleece and expand his wardrobe a bit.

So on Monday morning I went to the Eaton Centre.  I consider myself to be a Ninja Shopper and I picked that time slot because I figured it would be the slowest and!  I was prepared from the Tena pad on out.  I wore light layers and running shoes (I only relectantly wear these to the gym), I dumped all extranious material out of my purse, including my camera and you know how I like to take escalator shots.  I ate beforehand so I wouldn’t be tempted at the food court.  I did everything right, or so I thought.  It only took an hour to reach my breaking point where fatigue and despair turn into self-loathing and I know myself: when the self-loathing steeps, it evolves into rage.  Just like a Pokemon, or a Pokemom in my case.  Fight or flight?  I fought a bit longer but went home with a better plan, thanks to the inspiring Swarovski Christmas Tree which is like a beacon of beauty and light amid a whole lot scaffolding because they are still renovating:

Swarovski tree in the middle of the Eaton Centre….umm, you’d think they’d have their renovations finished by now

Anyway Plan B:  I did some on-line shopping.  It’s actually fun because you can do it in your pyjamas.  And!  You can support your local businesses and get cool, unique things on-line.  Check out this one here, called nothin which is Toronto-based, they sell t-shirts but they also have a great website.  December is shopping month, send me your ideas and I can share them on my blog!

Posted by . Categories: Do This Not That, shop til you drop. Tags: , , , , . Leave a comment

11

Dec. ’10

Beaver Love

Lovely Liliana pours us some cocktails made from Gibson’s Finest Canadian Whisky at Roots on Bloor Street

I love to shop, I have the shopping gene:   Thanks, Mama.  It doesn’t matter where either, I can blithely wander the aisles of hardware stores, drug stores, grocery stores, dollar stores.  I am just as happy in Holt Renfrew as I am in Walmart.  I can justify almost any purchase, and by the way, this is why it’s good for you to hire me when you go shopping for a house.  I have all the patience in the world because it’s actually fun for me.  The only time I am disinterested in the retail wonderland is at Christmas.  I hate when it’s early December and someone randomly asks me:  ” Are you done yet?”   Done what?  Don’t make the fine art of shopping sound like a chore.  So in December, I don’t “shop” per se, I acquire crap and wrap it badly and throw it all under the tree that I still don’t have yet, by the way.  Sometimes I don’t even wrap, I just roll it in its own bag and tie it with the ends.  I am a brutal Santa SeeYouNextTuesday.

Last week, however, Roots on Bloor Street had a 25% off all purchases in their store.  Whoopee, is what you are thinking, you probably scratched and saved 30% somewhere and have it all wrapped in paper you bought last year 75% off on December 26.  But!  Upstairs in the General Store, they set up a bar sponsored by Gibsons Finest Canadian Whisky by our friends at the Martini Club, Michelle and Laura.  Now there is a brilliant idea all shops should implement.  I spent 90 minutes in that store going over the merchandise (and back to the bar).  There was lots going on at the General Store and no sticker shock.  Those American Jews know how to make Canada cute and Christmas not seem like a plastic landfill.  Here is what the store looks like, check it out and have fun shopping.  Meet for cocktails when you’re done:

Posted by . Categories: shop til you drop. Tags: , , , . Leave a comment

08

Dec. ’10

Merry Eggs-Mas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, kind of

Is it just me or has Christmas lost its mojo?  It’s not the weather because it’s cold and snowy and no one more than me loves an excuse to stay at home on a Saturday night and wear fabric birth control (otherwise known as fleece) and watch Love, Actually for the billionth time on the W Network.  But it was on last weekend and I fell asleep before the climax where all the characters converge, collapse, and copulate.  And Mariah Carey sings on the soundtrack which would make watching this is a guilty pleasure except there is gratuitous frontal nudity and an orgy scene in it so it’s not a complete chick flick.  British people are good for that sort of thing.  But I fell asleep because Christmas is tired and I’m blaming LED Lights, the Economy, and the Internet.  LED lights:  People are forced to decorate with this barbaric technology these days and it makes everything look the basement toilet facilities at any given Legion Hall.  The Economy:  What’s the point of wanting gifts when you’ve bought everything all year round and are skint (British for broke) so you are forced to hibernate?   And the Internet because it is like the den that you hibernate in and as long as it is there, you don’t have to make an appearance at some lame LED lit party where your pupils dilate, craving actual natural light source, which make you eat more and therefore bloat and fill you with more self-loathing than you would have had if you spent the night in fleece watching Love Actually.

So this year I’m going to do like they did in the olden days.  Forget baking, why bother when the Hudson’s Bay Company has the best shortbread premium cookies in all their stores?  And I can use my Bay card to stimulate the economy and collect Reward Points!   Instead I’m going to light candles and make eggnog from scratch and you are all invited.  I’ve done it once before back in the day, and I’ll do it again.   Homemade eggnog is the bomb and stop with your raw egg salmonella fantasy, I’ve been slurping them down in milkshakes since I was a child playing with the mercury from the broken thermometer my mother put in my mouth when I only pretended to be sick.  There’s an eggnog website which you can click on here that will give you recipes, including the low-fat version.  I’m going to go full fat as that is what Jesus would do, and any excuse I have to visit Rowe Farms in Leslieville, the better.  They have the eggs from the joyous free range chickens and the butcher there is a hot ginger who could probably bring the X back in the Xmas if you know what I mean, which you probably do.  I bet your tree is up already.

Real Eggnog from cracking the eggs yourself

Posted by . Categories: Do This Not That, Eat & Drink. Tags: , , , , , , , . 3 Comments

02

Dec. ’10

My Organic Secret Meat Swanepoel

Spanx fishnets:  Victoria’s Cougar Mom’s Secret

I feel like I have a lot to say because I haven’t posted in a week but most of my adventures have been internal and not Toronto East Hood-specific.  Since last week, when the household was declared “organic meat only’ by Righteous Teenage Daughter, aka. Evangeline, I have been complying.  On Saturday, I found The Friendly Butcher on the Danforth to be easy and convenient, the butcher was pleasant enough but not so sure about what “friendly” means, I will definitely go back this week and check what’s up now that I have my mojo back.  Yes, last weekend I had a mojo upset…didn’t know who I was, I wore sweatpants with those grey socks, let my hair go all porcupiney, and I think I was speaking tongues.  And this is the week that filming for my realty show, The Agents, resumes.  On Monday I got my wardrobe instruction :  “It doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom because we are only doing head shot.  And because you are shooting with a troll shorter agent, we need you to wear flats so you don’t tower over her.”  And there was more:  “Wear something neutral and not a sweater because the troll other agent is wearing one, wear a button down.”  Seriously, does Joan on Madmen wear a button down?  I have to wear flat shoes and a collared shirt?  Am I the dude in this bitch fight?  I got my balls back and channelled Joan Crawford and countered with “I DO NOT WEAR BUTTON DOWNS!”

So we are settling on a v-neck cardigan, the other whore agent is wearng a turtleneck so for sure I will fare better.  As for “it doesn’t matter what you wear on the bottom”…well, if I have learned one thing in my ladyhood, yes it does.  Apparently, foundation garments are the key to success.  Do you know that with the plethora of internet porn that is available today, the men are still using your Victoria Secret catologs to supplement it?  And there are no nipples in Victoriaville, so what up with the man you married 20 years ago who can’t remember your birthday but knows how to spell ” Candice Swanepoel?”  It is all about the power of imagination.  This is why I will be wearing fishnet Spanx on my shoot tomorrow.  Nobody will see it, but I will know and you will know because I just told you.

Posted by . Categories: go girl. Tags: , , , , . 1 Comment