Category Archives: This Charming Man

11

Feb. ’11

A Prelude to Valentine’s Day

A message to Barbie:  Just be done with it. 

I was blissfully unaware that Valentine’s Day was coming up until this morning when I went on my Facebook that I have kind of neglecting recently because Twitter is where it’s at these days.  People on Twitter are self absorbed, narcissistic whiners and braggarts with very little to say because they only have 140 characters in which to tweet.  I love them so.  Don’t get me wrong, I still *like* my Facebook, and all my “friends”  but sometimes people’s status updates are truly horrific.  Today, for example, one of my friends had this to say:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU…“

Seriously, a man posted this.  Furthermore he got 6 thumbs up for it and one woman commented:  `Where do I find this man?  I`ve been looking all my life…LOL!` So I counter-commented something like: `He`s the new talking Ken doll from Mattel, he retails for $39.95.`  She ignored me and wrote another comment:  “ Oh, (Facebook User), I wish I had a man like you, your wife is so lucky!  LOL!”  Yes “LOL” is right!  Is it just me or can you see the subtext in this guy’s status?  I think Dr.Phil would have a field day on the hot seat with this dude.  Let’s analyze it sentence by sentence:

“He calls you beautiful instead of hot”:  This means he is probably having sex somewhere else.   A sunset, a BLT, a covered bridge in Madison County are beautiful, too, and he is not boning either of these things.

“…who calls you back when you hang up on him, ”  : Why did you hang up on him in the first place?  Go with your instincts.  Oprah will tell you that.

“…who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat.”  Creepy.

“…who will stay awake just to watch you sleep”:  Yeah, so he can sneak downstairs and make a phone call.

“…wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats”:  Red flag!  Red flag!  This is the most dangerous of them all!  You realize, you, in sweats, are not hot.  He doesn’t think so either and nor does he want anyone else to.  Control freak.

“…holds hands in front of his friends.”:  That one is sort of cute but caution to all PDA, it is often just for show or like marking territory.

“…Constantly reminding you how much he care for you and how lucky he is to have YOU.”   Constantly?  Who is he really trying to remind? 

I’m not tying to be a big Valentine’s Scrooge but let’s just say I have your back.  If he seems to good to be true, you probably made him up in your head.  I’m not too worried my “friend” is going to read my post, he’s probably too busy rubbing petroleum jelly on his wife’s feet so she slips in the shower later on.  Here is the new talking Ken Doll, by the way:

Posted by . Categories: go girl, This Charming Man. Tags: , , , , , . 3 Comments

25

Nov. ’10

Ezriders: Urban Transportation for Badasses

Last week someone scraped the side of my car in the parking lot of my gym.  He left a note on my windshield with a detailed explanation of the mishap, an apology, a (correct) phone number and an offer to use his BMW dealership to repair my utilitarian Japanese autobox.  At first I thought I was in love but the more I thought about it, the more I realized his benevolence wasn’t sincere, he was probably being watched and aware of the fact there are security cameras on the premises.  And he drives a BMW, stands for Bad Man Walking.  They are fussy German cars and the typical dude who drives one wears those contrived distressed jeans and doesn’t know how to fix things so when he has an emotional problem, his car will feel it and will manifest itself into electronic breakdown so he goes to the dealership, gives his keys to BMW bellhop and orders a cappuccino from receptionist who has big hooters.  And then he will pace in front of her, fiddling with his Blackberry, but never looking at her.  He thinks she thinks he has all the prowess in the world because he can sip foam and text at the same time.  He doesn’t have to acknowledge her, the whiskers in his jeans point the way.  Anyway I left my car at Douchebags R Us on Monday and declined a rental.  Just because I am nice.

So I have been walking everywhere, especially on Queen Street East from my new office at Core Realty.  There are a lot of new stores and restaurants that I haven’t noticed before which I will shop, eat, and tell you about in the future.  But a couple of interesting things I saw today, there’s a lot of mural art in the east end. some of it is the Ralph Thornton Mural Project:

But also some really cool small business have putting up their advertising up in graffiti art form.  This one is Pardon Le Dopeness.  They have a great website, click here to see it, and they sell very cool t shirts :

I love that kind of stuff.  It reminds me of my badass youth before I drove a car everywhere!!!  And the other interesting thing from my walk home today was checking out this store:

ezriders, e-bikes, e-scooters and accessories, 1296 Queen Street East

This place is the answer to urban transportation.  The beauty of these bikes is that you don’t need the insurance (badass) and you don’t need to get a special license, which if you buy a little (douchebaguette) Vespa, is mandatory.  And the prices are not shocking at all.   The one I have my eye on is under $700.  Check them out here, they are having a sale (kickass Christmas present) but you can also rent them by the hour which would make for a great first date for some of you weirdos who don’t have cars yet.  Here’s what they look like:

Take a load off, ezriders, me likey the middle one

Posted by . Categories: an inconvenient truth, Get out of your comfort zone, Neighbourhood Watch, This Charming Man. Tags: , , . 2 Comments

11

Nov. ’10

Scion Comfort

My Scion XB, now coming to Canada but in a less boxy form

Yesterday I had a flat tire.   I live in constant fear of a vehicular mishap of any kind but this one was perfectly civilized.  I discovered the flat tire in the Loblaws parking which is right across the street from Mike’s Automotive, at 810 Eastern Avenue on the corner of Leslie.  I haven’t had a steady mechanic in years.  I find they are like men.   They come and they go, which makes sense because they are mostly men.  Pete the Greek at the old Sunoco on Kingston Road and Woodbine was my last one, which was when I drove the Mercury Villager, aka. The Great White Whale.  That was my mom-mobile when the kids were smaller.  That van took a lot of abuse.  It was kind of like the automotive version of Keith Richards.  It was scraped and mangled and in dire need of rehab.  I remember the last time I took it to Pete:

Me:  Something’s wrong with the van.  It keeps making funny sounds, like it has Tourette’s.

Pete:  Your shocks are completely shot, have you been off-roading?

Me:  No, just driving the kids to school.

It turns out you are supposed to sloooooow down when you are driving over speed bumps.  I had been speeding up and flying over them.  And any woman who’s ever practised her Kegel excerises while driving knows that:  A full bladder + a series of speed bumps driven over the speed limit = A Sure Thing.  That Great White Whale was one very expensive dildo.

I’m much better with my current car.  I treat her like a fine lady, take her to the car wash, park her strategically in parking lots so her rear can be seen.  That is because this blog is advertised on the back window.  She is a rare bird in these parts because up until now, Scions, which are made by Toyota,  were not sold in Canada but now Scion Nation has arrived and there will be more which is okay.  The new generation of XB’s are not as boxy, they are more gangster looking, and they come in very cool colours.  Anyway, lucky for me my flat tire happened when it did because I got to meet Mike the Mechanic.  He helped me right away, put my spare on.   First thing this morning, he put my winter tires on and didn’t gauge me or make me wait like they do Canadian Tire so I’m forced to shop in the store and buy T-Fal products that will clutter my kitchen.  It’s nice have a mechanic, one who cares.  I “heart” Mike and I’m seeing him again this week because my rear brakes need help.  Oh, and an oil change.  Sigh.

Posted by . Categories: This Charming Man. Tags: , , . 1 Comment

04

Nov. ’10

Happy Movember

Freddy’s answer to Movember:  If you can’t grow it, then glue one on

I feel sorry for men sometimes.  They never know how to get things done.  Even from the beginning, their fecklessness is cultivated.  For example, last month the Girl Guides were out and about, selling cookies for $4 a box.  They were everywhere, especially in front of the liquor and beer stores.  And nobody buys just one box.  And if you want to buy 2 boxes and give them a 10 dollar bill, they never have change, so you end up getting 5 boxes for 20 bucks.  They are sharp and strategic, those little girl guides.  The boy scouts, on the other hand, stand in front of the grocery store selling apples.  For how much, I don’t know.  I grew up in an apple orchard in Quebec, I can’t even bring myself to buy a mercy apple for a good cause.  I did have a conversation with a mother of a boy scout who was standing in front of Loblaws with the saddest box of apples I`ve ever seen.  I couldn`t even pick one, they were all so battered up:

Me:   Why don’t you sell cookies like the girl guides? 

Mother of Boy Scout:  People like apples!

Me:  They like cookies better and they`d sell more.

Mother of boy scout looked at me like I was a monster.  How ironic is it that Eve tempted Adam with an apple and the men can`t even give them away?  Last month, October was breast cancer awareness month.  The ladies kick ass on this project.  They have charity galas, runs and walks, they sell stuff from pink Sharpies to pink SUV’s.  Everyone wears pink, including professional sports teams.  Yes, everybody loves boobs and they are everywhere:  They’re in your morning cereal (at least mine are), on your screen saver in the form of Katy Perry (at least Freddy’s is), millions of them are in your computer just a click away, they’re bumping you in the subway if you stand in the right spot, they’re on billboards, they’re at Banana Republic in cashmere, they’re in your thoughts and in your prayers.  So being “aware” is not that hard.  What is hard is to grasp the concept of “Movember.”  Apparently “mo” is an Australian slang term for “moustache.”  Please.  Put another shrimp on the barbie.  Movember’s M.O. is that by growing a “mo”, you are helping raise awareness for prostate cancer.  Facial hair to prostate….let’s work with it then.  Only some of us can grow a mo but we can glue or sharpie one on.  I’m into it, I’m doctoring my Facebook profile picture with a free iPhone app called “HairBeard Lite” but it keeps coming on crooked.  Maybe the prostate men should have a moustache iPhone app that you pay 99 cents that goes to awareness.  Men have to start thinking like women if they want to raise some money and start selling stuff that people want, especially women because they are the major consumers.  Check ot Movember’s official website here and learn about the cause.  And I have to say, I do love a man in a moustache!

Posted by . Categories: This Charming Man. Tags: , . 1 Comment

14

Oct. ’10

Digging For Fire

Quad East Indoor Cycling Studio at 672 Queen East

My loins are on fire.  I’ll let you know what happened but first let me share with you my brilliant business idea, and if you steal it, I will go all Winklevoss on you.  You know how men go golfing and before they head home, they dip into the Rub and Tug for a little stress relief?  Yes, they do, sometimes the guys forget I’m a lady and they tell me things they don’t want their wives to know.  Well, something like that should exist for women, we can call it the Swirl and Twirl!  I actually thought I was going to get something like that when I went to Body Blitz last winter but instead I was made to wear plastic underwear and sprayed down with a hose like at a car wash.  I think that most ladies, after devouring confit-soaked chevre logs at their book club meetings would  hit that before heading home.  In fact they probably wouldn’t even bother with reading the book at all.

As for me, a LOCA (lady of a certain age), I have to go to far more obtuse measures to bitch slap my mojo out of the Snuggie and off the couch.  Last night my friend and I went to Quad East, click here for more info, an indoor cycling studio for a good old fashioned spin class.  Now I’ve been spinning for 13 years and I even have my teaching certificate, so I can call myself a veteran.  I ride bareback in shorts with no lining.  This is the first time that I’ve been to Quad and I have to say, it’s the coolest studio I’ve ever been to.  It’s spacious with disco balls hanging from the lofty ceilings.  Upstairs there is another huge studio space for Pilates classes and the women’s change room is like in an old office with modern showers.  The vibe is very friendly, sometimes spinning people can be intimidating in their skintight Spandex outfits, clomping around in their metal soled shoes like they are dressed for Halloween.  Quad has the Schwinn bikes, which are my favourite and easiest to use.  Lucky for us, the class was headed by Bruce, one of the most dynamic instructors in the city.  His voice is like a baritone sexed up Darth Vader and he looks like the UPS delivery man, the one in your dreams who delivers your package every afternoon, come rain or shine.  Here he is:

Bruce, he’s got the quads and other things, at Quad East

The Cycling studio at Quad East

It was a great class and Bruce, let’s just call him the mojo whisperer, did his job superbly.   It’s all about cadence and tunes.  And as a bonus, Quad East is on that fun block (just west of Jilly’s) where my favourite pub, Prohibition is and where we went afterwards.  I did something wild and crazy which was ordered the chicken lollipops (drumsticks) with the hottest sauce known to humanity.  They were freakishly hot and my skull felt like warm velvet until I got home.  And yes, today the burning ring of fire has kept me housebound for the morning but it’s all good!  The embers are still aglow.

Posted by . Categories: Get out of your comfort zone, LOCAs gone wild, This Charming Man. Tags: , , , . Leave a comment

25

Aug. ’10

Don`t Worry, Eat Cheese

 A brilliant ad campaign  from the real life Madison Avenue “Madmen”

Back in the days of Lard and Fluffy White Wonder, there was only one way to make a grilled cheese sandwich:  a slice of Velveeta in between two pieces of white bread, and fried up in a pan of rendered fat.  And just like the way someone decided to put a lime in a bottle of Corona, one culinary genius discovered the sublime awesomeness of dipping the sandwich in a dollop of ketchup on the side of the plate, with a pickle!  And then came the Kraft single (which still exists in the secret compartment in the fridge, don’t lie) and people started to use butter instead of lard, an improvement for sure.  Me personally, I don’t like the bread all greasy so I use a George Foreman grill, the most highly civilized piece of clutter in my kitchen.  Did you know you can use the grill to fry bacon so the strips are even and flat, not curly and burnt on one side?  Also I use real cheese, not a “cheese product.”  Leslieville Cheese Market is the place to go to explore the world of fromage:

Leslieville Cheese Market, 891 Queen Street East at Carlaw

The shop also serves grilled cheese sandwiches which will expand your palate and blow your mind:  you can choose your cheese, the bread is herb flavoured and it is served with a spicy chutney in lieu of the ketchup.  Crazy!  The owner, Michael, is very cute and drives a Scion Xb like me.  Last year, they did have the best booth at the Food and Wine Expo at the Toronto Convention Centre.  Click here and let the Leslieville Cheese Market cater your next event.  Eat cheese, be happy!

Posted by . Categories: Eat & Drink, This Charming Man. Tags: , , . Leave a comment

12

Aug. ’10

Lust Actually

Rafael Nadal’s quirky habit….it’s charming!

I came across my love of tennis kind of by accident, when I was approaching my Cougarhood.  My friend, JHo, had been encouraging me for years to take up “Welcome to Tennis” at the Mayfair Raquet Club.  “When we’re old ladies, we will play tennis in the morning and drink gin in the afternoon,” she explained.  I didn’t really like gin at the time so this did not appeal to me at all.  “Vodka then, who cares?”  So finally I signed up but it wasn’t because of the boozey apres-match afternoons, it was the little outfit in the window of the Pro Shop.  Stupid Stacey and Clinton from “What Not To Wear” had brainwashed me into thinking that women over the age of 30 cannot wear mini skirts.  Damn them!  My legs are my crowning glory since my hair is not.  I’ve been known to sit with my legs over my head, even my passport photo has a thigh in it.  Tennis skirts are the civilized answer and they barely cover the bum:  No problem, a few more deadlifts and yoga.  So I got the outfit, took the lessons, and the rest is history.  I am a bad player, though, because my optometrist says I have problems perceiving depth of field.  My tennis instructor, however, said I was distracted by the boys, hence the *special* remedial lessons after class.  I don`t play so much anymore, but I love to watch.  I send Freddy to tennis camp every year at Kew Gardens, check out their website here:

Kew Gardens Tennis Clubs

And of course, the highlight of the tennis year is The Rogers Cup at the Rexall Centre at York University.  The men and women alternate between Toronto and Montreal and this year, we have the men.  Last night, my friend, Lorraine and I got to see Rafael Nadal play Stanislas Wawrinka.  Rafa was hot, I noticed he`s not quite as muscle-y as he once was but he still has the best high water booty in all of men`s tennis.  I think this is why he is always digging in the back of his shorts, his high power glutes make them wedge up.  Sigh, I love him.  And what is love… I ponder both in life and in tennis.  Apparently, in tennis, love is l’oeuf which is an egg in French that looks like a zero.  Love means nothing, which is Tennis Canada`s website, click here to find out more.  And in life, love means finding quirky habits like constant ass-picking charming. 

Also what I love about the Rogers Cup is the actual event, you know how I love crowds of people, little freakshows.  Here are some of the sights:

A porn star/tennis player

Inside the VIP tent where the perfect Pimm’s cocktail is made….Pimm’s (a gin-based hooch) with Sprite served on ice with a sprig of mint and you have a “Number One Cup”

And this lady in front of us, who I’m sure drinks a lot of gin in the afternoons has a 30 year old lover!!!  If this is the future of being a tennis lady, I’m in!

And Rafael Nadal:

Isn’t he pretty (hot) in pink?

And post butt-pick:

Bye, bye, Rafa…..see you in two years!

Posted by . Categories: Field Trip, This Charming Man. Tags: , , , , , . 4 Comments

05

Aug. ’10

Must Love Dogs

Vacuum Chek at 1882 Queen Street East

You know how sometimes you need to write a word and you intuitively spell it, then when you type it up, you look at it in disbelief?  This cannot possibly be a word, I must have dreamt it,you think,  then you actually have to look it up to see if it is so.  I have that with “vacuum.”  I can never believe they invented a word with two “u”‘s.  Crazy, man!  And then the store that sells me my vacuum bags for my beloved Miele vacuum (which I bought 5 years ago for 500 hundred dohallores…sp?) is actually called “Vacuum Chek Ltd”.  Some how the mispelling of “chek” seems to balance out the absurdity of the word “vacuum” and maybe there is an anagram somewhere.  Anyway, I love this place.  Max, who has been in the beach for over 10 years,  is our local Persian Prince.  He has a passion for cleaning.  He also knows everything about vacuums and carpet steamers.  His favourite brand is Miele, although he carries many others, including that Dyson that seems so cool in the commercials.  I think that Dyson guy is just looking for a date because when you see his vacuum in person, it’s not all *that.*  It looks like a toy (made in China, oh, just shut up)  and upon your first cleaning, will always look like a dirt pig with that clear plastic dust bin.   I remember in 1989 I bought a clear plastic purse by Patricia Field which was ridiculous because I carried a postcard of Morrisey and a teddy bear just for show.  And my wallet was in my pocket.  The lesson learned was that some stuff needed to be hidden, and so does your dirt.  This is the place to go to solve that problem and not only does Max give you a fine deal and teaches you the ins and outs of fine vacuuming, he loves dogs!  And he will tell you where to get the best Persian foode in the city (Pharmacy and Ellesmere, northwest corner)…I’m on my way….

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02

Aug. ’10

Loca Goes Loco

Chino Locos tasty good burritos

Sometimes I feel like I’m the female version of that gobbling, carnivorous maniac, Guy from my fave show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network.  I love a hole in the wall!  And I love a meal all neatly wrapped up in an edible form, ie. falafels, rotis, and dosas, cutlery optional.  But you know, I’m not really a foode blogger per se, more a blogging diarist, so I will tell you what led up to my delightful first time visit at Chino Locos-tasty good burritos.

Freddy:  What’s for dinner?

Me:  I don’t know, I don’t have anything planned.  Do you have any ideas of what you want?

No answer.

Me:  Tell me what you want.

No answer.

Evangeline pipes in:  Not burgers!  I’m sick of burgers!  We need to eat healthy, blah blah blah….

Me:  Get in the car.

Chino Locos at 4 Greenwood Avenue off Queen St. East is a hole in the wall with a colourful sign that I have been passing by for months, intrigued. “I must try this place some day,”  I say to myself  and then promptly forget.  If Diners Drive Ins and Dives didn’t feature a Mexican sandwich the other day, I wouldn’t have thought of it.  Today was the day, by the way.  It’s a cute little place, not so much eat-in but you could if you want, with an open kitchen and a friendly staff of two.  It’s called “Chino” because the burritos have an Asian influence:  edamame beans and black beans and if you like, noodles instead of rice.  The owner/chef Minh La was there, and yes, he is loco crazy but also super friendly, check out their website here, call ahead to order and pick up or have them cater an event.  We ordered chicken burritos all around and they are delicious, filling, and healthy!  And they are mighty big burritos, I’m saving my other half for *brunch* tomorrow (and finishing off that bottle of tequila).

Posted by . Categories: Eat & Drink, This Charming Man. Tags: , , , , . Leave a comment

24

Jul. ’10

They Come In Droves

This weekend is the Beaches Jazz Festival and for absolute sure, the highlight of every East Ender’s calendar year.  I know it is mine.  It is part music, part freak show, and a fine excuse to eat pulled pork which hardly ever happens for me.  They close off the streets, so again you get to walk in the middle of the road!  This has been going on for some twenty odd years and every year it gets better and better.  Our friend, Lido, does the most amazing job putting this on so don’t miss it, and you can park in my back yard!  Here are some pics (worth a thousand words):

Beaches Jazz Festival Balloon Man, look for his profile on Plenty Of Fish

Two wolf moon

every girl’s best friend, the oyster shucker shucking an oyster

the pulled pork parfait

I need to pause at this one.  Definitely one of the highlights at the festival is the pulled pork stand featuring Hank Daddy’s Barbecue, click here and check out their website.  This would be the place to call if you had an event that needed catering.  The smartest street foode ever:  the pulled pork parfait:  layer of mash potato, pulled pork and gravy, another layer of mashed potato with pulled pork, then topped with beans!  In a plastic parfait glass!  You know, the sky is the limit with this one, I may eliminate all my plates at home and serve everything like this then we can always eat dinner in front of the tv.  Dirty secret:  my house rule is that anything that can be served in a bowl, ie. chili, stew, can be eaten on the couch while watching Family Guy.  Anyway, here’s more of the Jazz Festival:

the bands are set up all along Queen Street

more foode!

Posted by . Categories: Eat & Drink, Hanging Around, Neighbourhood Watch, This Charming Man. Tags: , . 1 Comment